Should I tell my husband?

[loveteandcake]

Hi everyone,

I really am in need of some advice, I am so torn and stuck over what I should do.
My Husband has a cousin, let’s call him John!
John and I go to the same leisure centre and frequently bump into one another.
John has always been nice to me, never rude or anything like that, however some family members aren’t keen on him, he is very straight and to the point, he doesn’t sugar coat anything and speaks his mind which, I know can offend/upset some people.
John isn’t a fan of DH’s mum and I’ve never known why and neither does DH.
so, one night I was leaving the leisure centre and see John, we were chatting about how DH’s mum had offered to have DC on our anniversary, He then went on to say, oh yeah she’s such a saint and rolled his eyes, I gave a little awkward laugh as I didn’t want to say anything bad, he continued, if you all knew her you wouldn’t think so highly of her, Fred (not his real name, but for the sake of this post - DH’s dad) isn’t even DH’s dad and then went on and gave me the name of DH’s apparent real dad. I was in shock and quite annoyed that he told me this, what was the point, what am I meant to do with this Info, is it even true, do I tell DH what he said or not? I have been put in such an awkward position.
Whether or not this matters, DH and Fred look nothing alike, whatsoever.
can I please get some opinions.

thanks

I’ll be telling him later today, hanging it out as I’m a drama llama 🙄
I mean it’s only a little thing I’ll be telling him

I do think you shouldnt be making more of it than it is. this is a man who the whole family avoids. he's clearly a shit stirrer as if he thougt it was nb for your DH to know, he'd just have told your DH himself at some point over the last however many years they've been cousins rather than dripping poison in your ear at the gym.

I do think you're at risk of turning this into a bigger deal than it is.

To be honest, the whole thing reminds me of my exBIL. He loved to tell people (us, his family, random people on the school run) about how awful SIL was. Always in tones of worry and concern for everyone else. It was all bollocks - either outright lies or very very carefully curated information with zero context. And it's all very very believable and rational people think, "oh, but why would he lie about this" and so the seeds are sown.....

It’s not her place to at least try and see whether John is making up a vicious lie before she tells her husband something that could tear his family apart?

No one said she should steal hair from her FIL’s hairbrush and do her own DNA test; we’re talking about asking a few simple questions to see if this story holds any weight. It might save OP from getting any blame as the messenger and unnecessarily communicating something extremely upsetting.

Absolutely not, she'd be digging herself into a hole.
And her husband will likely be furious if she starts doing that sort of thing in secret.
It sends a terrible message!

I’m not saying she should play Miss Marple for six months before saying anything. Most people’s first question would be ‘how does he know this? What proof does he have?’ and she’s going to have to say ‘dunno, didn’t ask, I wanted to offload this huge weight onto you asap so it was off my plate and I couldn’t be blamed for hiding it’.

It’s literally a text to John checking he has some facts because if it’s not true, it could forever put doubt in her DH’s mind and alter his relationship with his parents. Does OP want to play a part in that if she doesn’t have to?

OP, you have no idea if this is true, so stop acting as though it is. It might help you if you say to your DH that John has told you something about DH that you’ve found really upsetting and you’ve been struggling how to tell him as you have no idea why he’d say such a thing.
Don’t tell DH in such a way that you are presenting it as though it’s true but obviously that you’re anxious about the sensitivity of it.
Good luck

He might not actually be that bothered, in real life it's not like Eastenders where everyone has a strong emotional reaction to everything.
I found out my dad had a whole secret family and was really calm about it, it did cause issues in the end only because of how my dad dealt with it but it wasn't a bomb going off in my life or anything like that.

@loveteandcake

Oh, what a situation you’ve been put in!

I think just straight up telling him would be the best way. Yes. Good to not drop it on him when he’s working, but I wouldn’t say he just needs to talk to the cousin. Sounds like the cousin isn’t the only one who knows, and it may be something your hubby has suspected anyway, it may help make sense of how they were treated differently.

It may not be the blow out it could be…. You’re not responsible for the deception, but you can be for the honesty. What he does with that is up to him. How would he feel if years later it comes out and he discovers you already knew?

You’re doing the right thing, OP, and you’re doing it sensitively.

Good luck!

Why would your own husband think that you were a crazy shit stirrer?

So, the first thing DH said was, well I don’t look anything like my dad and then laughed.
He said he’s going to think about whether or not he says anything to his parents as it won’t change anything, I think he needs a bit of time to see how he feels and just digest it really.
if it was me, one day I’d think I won’t say anything, then the next day I’d feel the opposite, I change my mind about things all the time.
I’ll just wait for him to mull it over and support and respect whatever decision he makes.

Good for you. Well done op

I think DH initial reaction is the best. I wouldn't give John the satisfaction. Let John wait forever for his big moment 😂

His grenade was a dud 😂

It's good that you told your husband. It sounds to me, as if he's not that surprised by the revelation. Perhaps it's made him think of some aspects of his childhood, and pieces are clicking in place? He definitely needs to mull it all over, and decide if he wishes to approach his parents.

he isn’t a hot headed, impulsive person so he will definitely think before he acts, he doesn’t seem upset or even particularly bothered to be honest, I think I was more than him!
if I had to guess, I’d say he will leave it be, don’t upset the apple cart and all that, he’s more logical than I would be.

@loveteandcake "he doesn’t seem upset or even particularly bothered to be honest"

That's probably how he reacts to shocking things initially. It doesn't mean that it's not a big deal (should it be true).

I have the same reaction to shocking things like this, or dangerous situations. I am very logical and calm, sangfroid, I make sure I and everyone else gets through the moment of revelation/crisis safely. But then later, sometimes much later, my body will shake uncontrollably. And after that I will be troubled in mind, I will spend time reflecting on the situation, trying to understand it. It's all about healing from that shocking/terrifying moment, where you're going about your quiet orderly lovely life and then all of a sudden you aren't in control anymore, the landscape looks completely different, and things could go in any direction.

I very much doubt that your H will truly see this as a casual blip. I don't know anyone who would.

Men are trained to suppress shit like this. It's not your duty to be his therapist but in your shoes, I would eventually suggest him seeing one, to help him navigate this and become/return to the happy man he was before this.

You don’t seem to know your husband very well. You were expecting a different reaction even though many on here predicted that he would probably react the way that he
has.

absolutely, well articulated and thought out. I totally agree.

@loveteandcake Well done, that's a weight off your mind and you have done it in a loving supportive way. It sounds as if DH will likewise deal with it kindly wrt his parents, after all it's a difficult situation for all concerned (truth or lie).

Well done to OP & DH.

Is there anyway he could do a DNA test with the person who he’s lived with as his Dad without him knowing. So he can have a definitive answer?

Perhaps he doesn't need to.
Perhaps, as many people here have been saying, it isn't the bombshell op thought it was.
Perhaps he understands that his dad is still his dad whatever the DNA says.

@DaisyChain505 You dont generally need to have your parent test. Most people in the UK who do an ancestry DNA test will have tens of thousands of matches and several hundred 4 cousin matches or closer. Those matches are often enough to identify your grandparents and therefore either show that a man is your father or that he may not be. Quite a few people dont really understand how DNA works but there are various Facebook groups who help you work it out if you need to.

Estimates of how many people have a parent they didnt expect (NPEs in the jargon) vary from 1% upwards. 10% gets quoted a lot but no-one really has proof.

No they're not, who trains them to suppress shit like this? People love to say that all the time even though it isn't true. There are some families where kids learn to suppress their emotions but that's not male specific.

His initial reaction may very well be his only reaction. I am calm in a crisis or if something shocking happens, in my previous comment I mentioned I found out my dad had a whole secret family, I really wasn't bothered, and didn't shake uncontrollably or have any kind of delayed reaction.

He isn’t as blasé today. He has been quiet for him.
i never know how to handle sensitive situations, if it were me, I would be talking his ear off.
we had a little chat before we went to sleep last night but not really about what he wants to do, more that he wouldn’t be hugely shocked if it were true, only because of looks and DH not even slightly resembling any of his dads side let alone his dad.
i don’t know what I believe tbh, it’s possible as people take on kids all the time but who knows!
now when we see his dad I’ll be scrutinising him for any sort of resemblance.

Thank you for all taking the time to reply. I definitely needed a push to tell him.

He said he won’t even tell his cousin he knows as he’ll revel in the drama, he also said he isn’t the most popular of family members as he is a shit stirrer but isn’t known for making things up just stirring the pot but maybe he is so addicted to ruffling feathers he has taken it further. The questions and possibilities are endless

Your DH sounds really nice OP.

I agree your dh sounds great and very sensible.