Should I tell my husband?

[loveteandcake]

Hi everyone,

I really am in need of some advice, I am so torn and stuck over what I should do.
My Husband has a cousin, let’s call him John!
John and I go to the same leisure centre and frequently bump into one another.
John has always been nice to me, never rude or anything like that, however some family members aren’t keen on him, he is very straight and to the point, he doesn’t sugar coat anything and speaks his mind which, I know can offend/upset some people.
John isn’t a fan of DH’s mum and I’ve never known why and neither does DH.
so, one night I was leaving the leisure centre and see John, we were chatting about how DH’s mum had offered to have DC on our anniversary, He then went on to say, oh yeah she’s such a saint and rolled his eyes, I gave a little awkward laugh as I didn’t want to say anything bad, he continued, if you all knew her you wouldn’t think so highly of her, Fred (not his real name, but for the sake of this post - DH’s dad) isn’t even DH’s dad and then went on and gave me the name of DH’s apparent real dad. I was in shock and quite annoyed that he told me this, what was the point, what am I meant to do with this Info, is it even true, do I tell DH what he said or not? I have been put in such an awkward position.
Whether or not this matters, DH and Fred look nothing alike, whatsoever.
can I please get some opinions.

thanks

Whatever you do will be wrong but I don’t think you can keep this secret from your husband.

It doesn't sound as though John has told her because he feels strongly it should be out in the open though - it sounds like he's done it in a casual shit stirring way...that's why everyone thinks John is a dick

Have you told him ?

Agree. Tell your H and leave it to him to broach with his mother. It would be a big mistake for you to raise it with her.

I'd tell him. John has probably had enough of keeping the secret and I don't blame him.

I may an awful position to be in OP. However, I would tell my DH. I think holding onto that will eat you iup inside and will be hard to hold onto.

od tell him as gently as possible le and be clear you’re not saying it’s true, just repeating what was said.

@Rosygoldapple

I think the cousin did the right thing (if he’s right) and has probably been struggling to keep it to himself for years. Your DH needs to know and has always had the right to know.

But if this is such an important piece of news why on earth would he casually give it to someone who wasn’t part of the family at the time it happened? Do you really think if he had wanted to deliver a piece of news like that with impact he would give it to the woman’s son’s wife at the gym?

I can’t understand why this guy is being portrayed as some brave truth teller. He very clearly is a massive shit stirrer with an agenda. I also can’t believe he hasn’t done this before. I would bet on your DH rolling his eyes when he hears this and saying “that old chestnut”.

You should tell him of course, to be transparent. But this guy is a troublemaker and absolutely not to be trusted. I would put money on him having done this a few times already to get attention.

Yes tell him but explain how you know and point out it might not be true.
if your dh found out one day y and it came out you knew that would be awful for him.

My exH family had one of these. His cousin had married a woman who was pregnant to a married man when they met. He married her and then she told everyone they were not to tell her son. So everyone knew except X. All the kids his own generation knew.

She had moved away for a job, met this guy she thought was single and once she was pregnant, he told her he was married with 3 kids and to get an abortion. She went back home. She met G and they married a year after she birthed X. Then she insisted no one tell X. Even when I married R 12 years later I got the same spiel. "G isn't X's father but don't tell X."
Lots of angst between X and his mom. X and G got on fine but X and his mom were always at loggerheads. X was very bright and his 'cousins' liked to stir him up. I have no idea how it panned out later.
Stupid, stupid. You either tell no one or be open about it because trying to keep that sort of secret when others know is just begging for trouble.

You have to tell your husband. Why does everyone call John by names, if its true only person who should be called bames is OPs husbands mother.

Looking nothing like his cousin means nothing. I look absolutely nothing like my cousins, who take after their dad.

Given you said his dad was grumpy growing up and his ds was favourite, I wonder if his dad knows. Be very careful how you approach your Dh with this, it’s earth shattering news.

When my Dh was doing family tree research, he found out that his parents had lied about their wedding date so he was born before it. Not so earth shattering but has your Dh ever looked into dates etc? He could always do a dna check (Ancestry thing) if his dm denies it.

I’m sorry you’re in this position, ‘John’ is a horrible person. If your DH’s dad isn’t really his dad, it doesn’t necessarily make his dm a terrible person.

I would tell DH if I was burdened with something like this. As you say though, it could potentially explode his life if it turns out to be true, so you'll need to be ready to give your DH lots of support in the aftermath. Maybe consider when you tell him too, ie not the night before he has something mega important at work the next morning if it is going to upset him.

You say this happened "one night....leaving the leisure centre". How long exactly have you been sitting on this?

Don't mention it, don't believe it, and if the true story ever comes to light just say that J is a s**t stirrer. Protect your inner circle at whatever cost if they are good people. At the end of the day J is outer family and you do not want to upset the relationship between your husband and his mother. Someone I knew used to say that a certain family member was not from the husband which was complete nonsense. It just turned out that the child had the full colouring of one parent and the full features of the other so didn't look like either of them.

Not as shitty as a conspiracy to hide it from your DH by the whole family, if it is true.

Maybe this is why John has been excluded - people are afraid of the truth getting back to your DH.

Why are so many saying tell him??? It will cause no end of grief and may not even be true. Don't say anything. I think MN just loves drama!

you have to tell your DH and fast. Definitely frame it in a way that John is the messenger, ie John told me this thing. What do you think of what he says.’

for what’s worth, it could be true. I had a work colleagues husband, whose cousin had a father that wasn’t her father. Everyone knew, even me! (The most random person ever, and I had never met her and lived on a different continent.). Then as an adult she found out, and there was lots of drama, but it all worked out fine in the end. What I find insane was that I knew about her father and she didn’t. These sorts of things should come out, if they are true, and should be investigated if they are not.

Oh course you need to tell your DH. If John knows, then lots of people in the family will know, unless you really think MIL singled him out as her only confidant. Your DH deserves to know and maybe blunt John thinks your DH shouldn’t be kept in the dark just so people’s feathers aren’t ruffled.

I was once in a similar situation to you, OP, and after some mulling I told my DH. (It wasn’t exactly the same, but something big and it was something that I felt uncomfortable knowing especially as many other family members knew but not DH.)
It is a big deal, so I think he needs to be told in a sensitive way and at an appropriate time ie not just before bed or just before work. I disagree with the posters who said to tell him breezily. It’s a big thing, and you should show you understand that it’s potentially earth shattering.

This happened in my family and they lied for years. Son born years before couple meet but young enough wouldnt remember a life before. Other people knew they eventually found out and it was a horrible blow up. But the dad knew. But the people at fault here is your mil if knew its not shit stirring wanting people to know the truth

John could be stirring, but I think you have to tell dh. Imagine if it came to light months or years down the line and he finds out you knew. He'd feel utterly betrayed. I know it sounds like an Eastenders plot, but this idiot John now knows that you know - he might even decide to stir things up more. You have to tell your dh, op. I hope it's not true or, if it is, that things work out for your dh. Poor guy. He'll need you.

I would just ignore it as salacious gossip @loveteandcake .

what would telling your husband actually achieve where something pure and good and tangible will come out of it?

yes you might “feel better” for telling him but if the shit hits the fan which invariably it will do you’ll feel a whole lot worse when your husband is possibly broken at being lied too by his parents and wider family and their trust is shattered - you’ll be picking up those pieces and you’ll be wishing you kept your mouth shut.

if and it’s a big if …. It comes out later down the line and gobshite John says “I told her!” You just brush it off with “yeah and I ignored it as malicious gossip”.

people don’t like this guy for a reason. Maybe because he’s a sly bitchy mofo that seeks to sow discord. Anyway hardly likely he’ll be sat round the dinner table anyway.

and give him a polite nod and salutations in future and don’t engage with him beyond pleasantries.

Consider the chaos and heartbreak that'll be caused if it isn't true.

I would either keep it to myself or try to do a bit of detective work. If its just a nasty rumour concocted up by this awful guy why upset your DH. I might think about telling your mil what he said.

Ancestry DNA tests are currently £40 with a 3 months worldwide subscription. Buy him one and say it's an early Christmas present so his results are through before Christmas. Or tell his mother you are planning to buy him a test kit and if she is horrified then the tale may well be true. If you dont know what to do when you get the results there are various groups on Facebook who will help without charge.

However I am not convinced you should tell him as his father is still alive. It's not something you have to tell because it's no more than gossip really at this stage. You could devastate lives and who gains from it?

I don't think you need to approach it as a deep serious moment.

Just say you bumped into cousin and he said something weird and you weren't sure whether to take it seriously or not. Etc etc.

If cousin knows then likely most of the family knows (assuming it's true). Considering the relationship with his dad and then looking different if fairly likely that DH could suspect anyway and doesn't want to broach the subject.

It's also possible that it's just an unkind rumour spread by the older generation when mil married into the family. We have all read how done families treat new comers. If DH was born looking like mils side it would only inflame the rumours.

The cousin could have grown up with these rumours and taken them as fact.

I would go with this approach, that it is a rumour being talked about in the family and DH deserves to know what is being said about him behind his back. I wouldn't speak on the truthfulness of it at all.