Should I tell my husband?

[loveteandcake]

Hi everyone,

I really am in need of some advice, I am so torn and stuck over what I should do.
My Husband has a cousin, let’s call him John!
John and I go to the same leisure centre and frequently bump into one another.
John has always been nice to me, never rude or anything like that, however some family members aren’t keen on him, he is very straight and to the point, he doesn’t sugar coat anything and speaks his mind which, I know can offend/upset some people.
John isn’t a fan of DH’s mum and I’ve never known why and neither does DH.
so, one night I was leaving the leisure centre and see John, we were chatting about how DH’s mum had offered to have DC on our anniversary, He then went on to say, oh yeah she’s such a saint and rolled his eyes, I gave a little awkward laugh as I didn’t want to say anything bad, he continued, if you all knew her you wouldn’t think so highly of her, Fred (not his real name, but for the sake of this post - DH’s dad) isn’t even DH’s dad and then went on and gave me the name of DH’s apparent real dad. I was in shock and quite annoyed that he told me this, what was the point, what am I meant to do with this Info, is it even true, do I tell DH what he said or not? I have been put in such an awkward position.
Whether or not this matters, DH and Fred look nothing alike, whatsoever.
can I please get some opinions.

thanks

Not his news to share & a very sensitive subject. People’s lives, families, long standing relationships are to be considered here. Sorry you are in this predicament, OP. I’d have to talk to my husband but would be concerned for the potential shit storm that follows. You could end up looking like the problem if the chap that’s openly discussing to you denies ever mentioning it.

How is it this cousin knows all about her affairs and your DH doesn't? I mean your DH grew up living in the same house with her and I assume the cousin did not?

Further thoughts....

True or not, this malicious arsehole has kept quiet for many, many years. So he's not going to say anything, for whatever reasons have stopped him up till now. So he's trying to get you to do it. You're being used and you're apparently considering doing exactly what he wants.

If this is true, it's very likely that at least some people in the family know, and that they've all found a way to live with it. Why would you want to disrupt that? A liveable-with balance has been found and that can't have been easy. Leave it be.

If it's not true, then the malicious arsehole has some other motive for telling you. Whatever that is, it can't be benign. So don't act on it.

You've been given a problem by the malicious arsehole. If you make it everyone else's problem, it won't stop being your problem. So I'd say keep schtum, don't let it get to you, treat it as malicious fantasy, carry on as normal.

Realistically can you hold on to this for 30,40,50 years?! What if it eventually comes out and John says he told you back in 2025.

Its a rotten thing to have happened but you have to tell your husband. If it’s not true, there will be fireworks, but if it is, your husband deserves to know.

I've been in the position of being the only other person to know.the truth about a situation and it becomes incredibly stressful and uncomfortable listening to people discussing and commenting when you know that the truth is very different. The people involved were quite happy with the lie because it served them for people to beleive them but it was very wrong.

In my case, I didn't tell but distanced myself from an entire friendship group because I couldn't be around it any longer.

OP, I think you should tell your husband what he has said.

If John is lying, that's on him.

If it's a misunderstanding, it allows for clarity.

If it's true, your husband has a right to know his parentage.

I think you have to but be matter of facts with it for your husband. Explain it wasn't prompted etc but this is what he said. You haven't the foggiest why he told you or of its true but if there is the possibility that it is you couldn't hold that from him.

Let him take it from there

It might just be a vicious rumour.
But if true, there may be a silver lining in the end . DH might be interested in contacting his bio dad and that might be nice.
Best of luck.

You never know your husband might already know! My dad is not my biological dad, my mum told me when I was younger and we discussed it once and never mentioned it again. He will always be my dad, he’s been there since I was very small and I have absolutely no interest in knowing my blood relation.

Op I went through something very similar. My dad left his first family after having an affair with my mum. I was the product of that affair and then my sister appeared a a year later. When I was 40, our eldest half sister rung me one day for a chat. Not that unusual, we caught up every 1-2 years as adults but as a child I was very close to her desire the 16 year age gap but she never got on with my little sister. Anyway, she had clearly been drinking and I knew she had had mental health issues all through her adult life. She dropped it on me that my sister, my best friend in the entire world, was not in fact my dads and that my mum had had an affair and that’s why she doesn’t look like any of us other siblings. And she’s right, line us up and she’s the odd one out. We are very similar. Having to carry this almost killed me and I was consumed by guilt and the longer it went on the worse I felt. I couldn’t ask my mum as she’s a liar and had early onset dementia. So I went to our dad and told him.

He just burst out laughing. I started crying and he raised I was serious. He said to no, she was, to the best of his knowledge, lying to cause trouble. At the time of her conception my parents were very much in love (despite what she did in later years). He also finished with “your little sister looks exactly like MY sister, and even if she didn’t, even if she looked like the milkman, she’s still mine and nothing would change for me”. I told my sister with my dad’s blessing as obviously the toxic witch could well tell her the same story. I’ve done a DNA test, one of those heritage jobbies and in turns out all of my family ancestors came from within a 15 mile radius dating back to 1503. So no surprises for me. But my sister is still very reluctant to entertain anything to confirm/deny as she’s happy as things are.

i go out of my way to avoid my eldest sister these days and the next time I see her I imagine it will be at my dads funeral. But I hope that’s not for a really long time

Mention to your Mil you are planning a surprise Christmas present to your dh , of an dna ancestry test and watch her reaction very closely . Then after awhile tell her that someone has told you that fil is not the dad and suggest she tells your husband the truth .

You have to tell your OH. It may be untrue of course but that's for him to decide/investigate.
Of course if it is true it may not be as much of a surprise as you think. Sometimes families know these things but do not discuss them.

Presumably, his parent told him?

I can see why he might choose to say something if others are pretending the adulterer is such a perfect human specimen.

My mum told me about my Uncle’s affairs and some other family ‘secrets’. She was fed up of Uncle being the golden boy and was really annoyed after he scammed my grandparents out of their house and business. 🤷🏻‍♀️

The cousin opened the can of worms

put yourself in your DHs shoes, I would certainly want to know for three reasons

Someone was talking very personally about me behind my back

I could have a different bio dad than I thought and might want to explore that while he is still alive (assumed he is)

my wife would be keeping a HUGE piece of information from me that effects me personally and is she kept it from me I would likely have some significant trust issues with her

don’t take all this on your shoulders OP, if it’s true then your DHs family have maybe done him a disservice not telling him the truth all these years and your cousin spilled the beans. Its not your decision whether your DH explores this / tells anyone else but I think you absolutely have to tell him, he will appreciate your faithfulness and honesty xx

His dad who raised him is his 'real' dad. He may or may not be his biological dad but he's his real dad. I wish people would do better than use 'real' this way, it's insulting to the parents who raise the children to say that.

Sorry but I see this very differently.

He's not a malicious arsehole at all. He's kept the secret for years and years, if he was so malicious why would he do that? It's clearly been eating him alive and he hasn't ever been false, he's never been able to hide his disdain for any of the liars.

After god knows how long he's obviously decided it's time DH knew. I think he's 100% right in that.

Now personally I think he should have gone directly to DH and not through his wife. But nobody is perfect and he's clearly had enough of this woman being labelled a saint when he's having to hide such a serious secret just to protect her.

Your loyalty is with your husband, you two are the team. Don't keep secrets from him, be there with him to work through it.

Make it clear you don't know if it's true but you are here to help deal with the fall out.

Also if he told you so easily he will tell others easily also, and tell them he's already told you about it.

Yes you have to tell your husband. It would be a huge betrayal to keep this from him.

Fingers crossed for you OP. You're in a terrible situation but you do have to tell him. Best of luck

I'd tell John to tell your husband.

Is this the only thing he's got against her? It sounds as though he's got other problems with her.

Be very careful Op, a family member told a lie to get back at someone and split my family apart. Just because John thinks he knows the truth doesn't mean he's right or that's it's coming from a good place

Unless John is outright lying then there must surely be others in the family that think the same?

Otherwise where has this rumour or possible truth come from?

Here's the thing. If John is so honest and such a straight guy, why hasn't HE told your husband directly? I think John is a sneaky piece of shit. I'd invite John round to yours and get HIM to tell DH

Not your circus

I’d tell him. Purely because it’s then for him to decide what he wants to do

If he chooses to act on it, it may be that he would like to meet his biological dad and I think it’s really important he has this opportunity

We had a situation in our family - my uncle - had 2 boys and the marriage ended in divorce - wife was having affairs frequently. It was back in the day where the woman could get away with cutting the dad off. But as time has passed, his suspicions of one son are very apparent. One looks exactly like him, one looks nothing like him. I will add that uncle is 90 now, the son we thought was his died a few years ago, without getting back in touch with his dad for over 40 years. I know about it as the son of my uncles son got in touch with me to inform me of his death.

It's not your secret to tell. We had a similar situation in the family. DU not DF's full brother and it came out after DG died. I foolishly said 'Didn't you know?'

I'd never been told, but DG had said something about family resemblances and I'd twigged.

John might have been shit-sitirring.