DH’s desire for me to play this Stepford wife role is highly misogynistic

[Dropko]

I recently married dh. He is 44 and I’m 31 so there is a bit of an age gap which I think may be part of the problem. We had quite a quick engagement so we are still adjusting in the early stages of our marriage.

Dh co-owns and co-runs a business. Think dentist or vet surgery. There are roughly 30 people who work there.

I really have no need to ever go in. It’s located in a surrounding village that I never need to go to.

Anyway, dh has said it would be nice if I occasionally dropped in and said hello. I said “what for” and DH said it would just be nice to show I care to staff. Given the nature of the business the work can be emotionally draining. But I don’t see how my presence will help in the slightest. Dh gave his business partner’s wife as an example. I personally could never constantly be dropping in the way she does. She’s always baking for the staff and doing coffee drop offs. It’s just not me. She’s also a housewife whilst I work full time and commute into London several times a week. Even if I didn’t work it’s not my personality to be like that. If I was going in I might bring in a treat if it was Easter or something. But I never go in.

I’m a bit miffed. If it was the opposite genders no one would expect the husband to go in and play nice. It’s really bizarre to me. Dh says I don’t want to come across stuck up! Or am I being a bit rude?

My friends say he should buy the staff muffins if he’s so concerned

I have never once gone in to DH’s workplace. Fair enough he has never owned his workplace but even if he did, that’s his bag, not mine! It’s a bizarre expectation. Ask him when he’s coming in to your workplace to hand out coffee’s and baked goods so he doesn’t appear stuck up, it’s no different.

Basically I think he wants to feel a bit loved, in public, even if performative. He wants to feel like you care about him during the day and this is the way of showing it.

This is deranged and my DH much older than me and would not want this. It’s not an age thing.

Good for you op.

This is so weird and the fact he doesn't see how his expectation for you on this stems from a place of expectation about what wives 'should be doing' would worry me that I'd accidentally married someone with other deep seated ideas around gender that I'd not uncovered because they just hadnt come up up! How quick was this engagement?

Don’t you find that gross. Sexist? Misogynistic? The op is at work!

Why don’t you ask him to pop into your workplace with homemade treats for your team and see what happens? If he willingly does it with no weirdness, this is just a difference of opinion. If he refuses then it’s misogyny!

I think he’s going back to the days when the wife did the admin for the doctors surgery hmmm 1940s/50s?

As an employee I hate small business owners having their wives getting involved. Are the employees supposed to be grateful? I see it as an underemployed wife being nosy and interfering, another pair of eyes on the employees. It never occurred to me the poor wives might be coerced into it by their husbands. YANBU OP. I don’t see what husband’s age has to do with it as I reckon 44 is young.

I find that quite condescending (I think there's a better word but I can't think of it right now) and possibly some of the staff view it that way. 'Here's some cupcakes I baked to say thank you for making so much money for my husband that I can buy a new designer coat' kind of thing.

Bit old fashioned and I wouldn't do it, either.

It’s not an age thing. It’s a pissing contest where he wants to prove to his business partner and colleagues that his wife is as great as the business partner’s wife.

If he wants to buy coffee or cake then you can have it sent by Deliveroo

The age gap is relevant I’m afraid op. Many men go for younger women because their age women can see straight through their bullshit. Looks like you can too!

I would also guess that having lady bountiful (who doesn’t work-his friends example) parading into the office might piss off the staff who do have to work

i don’t think that’s it. My theory is that he thinks what his business partner’s wife does is the norm. But in my view she’s quite extreme. She’s extremely extroverted and I think bored to be frank.

Yes exactly this.

Seems like he wants a First Lady. Is he going to go to your work place and give out cakes?? Not keen, am with you

From meeting to our wedding day it was slightly under two years.

Maybe whats to show you off somehow?. Idk. You have enough to do with your own job. Maybe pop in early December Christmas time with M&S Christmas cake & mince pies. maybe he would join your colleagues for a Christmas drink too . Perhaps he is trying to create a ‘family business’ atmosphere and his team keep asking him when will we see your wife?!

Your DH may be wishing you would lift staff morale, it seems like he is also doing his best but you may be better going in with a positive attitude, if you choose to because being miffed about it is counter-productive.

Just look at it a different way, helping your DH's business which is great for both of you.

True

Well yes, that’s obviously what he wants to do, but that’s the point! The op isn’t his show object!

He could lift staff morale with a bonus

I love this answer; it's spot on.

This is ridiculous - my DH is almost 60 and he wouldn’t expect this.

He’s refusing to acknowledge what you contribute to your marriage by doing paid work when he draws a comparison with his partner’s stay at home wife.

I’m a member of a church and I remember very well over thirty years ago hearing a senior clergyman managing our church while we were waiting for a new minister challenging a question which was basically whether a candidate’s wife would run the Sunday School because she was a primary teacher. It was made very clear that a congregation should not expect anything from a minister’s spouse, not even attendance, and certainly not unpaid voluntary work every Sunday.

Dh does say things like blah blah was asking after to you. I’ve met this woman twice. It’s just so unnecessary. I don’t see how me coming into say hello/how are things changes anything. My mere presence boosting morale is actually hilarious to me!