DH’s desire for me to play this Stepford wife role is highly misogynistic

[Dropko]

I recently married dh. He is 44 and I’m 31 so there is a bit of an age gap which I think may be part of the problem. We had quite a quick engagement so we are still adjusting in the early stages of our marriage.

Dh co-owns and co-runs a business. Think dentist or vet surgery. There are roughly 30 people who work there.

I really have no need to ever go in. It’s located in a surrounding village that I never need to go to.

Anyway, dh has said it would be nice if I occasionally dropped in and said hello. I said “what for” and DH said it would just be nice to show I care to staff. Given the nature of the business the work can be emotionally draining. But I don’t see how my presence will help in the slightest. Dh gave his business partner’s wife as an example. I personally could never constantly be dropping in the way she does. She’s always baking for the staff and doing coffee drop offs. It’s just not me. She’s also a housewife whilst I work full time and commute into London several times a week. Even if I didn’t work it’s not my personality to be like that. If I was going in I might bring in a treat if it was Easter or something. But I never go in.

I’m a bit miffed. If it was the opposite genders no one would expect the husband to go in and play nice. It’s really bizarre to me. Dh says I don’t want to come across stuck up! Or am I being a bit rude?

My friends say he should buy the staff muffins if he’s so concerned

I dislike almost all my siblings. We live in four different countries and I wish WhatsApp was never invented.

THIS

I wonder if his employees have been saying how lovely the wife of the co-owner is because she brings in treats etc and he is feeling slightly put out. It’s a reflected glory thing; the employees think highly of the wife for her generosity and this reflects positively on the other co-founder.

if he wants his employees to think highly of him he needs to step up himself not add the burden on you!

As @ThePeachHiker says, in my experience wives that turn up at work come because they suspect an affair, or they have had reason not to trust him in the past and are checking up. Same for wives that go on their husband's business trips.

I think the OP should ask him to provide coffee and homemade cakes for her team at work and see what he says. Perhaps he thinks it is normal for the partner to provide treats, in which case fair enough. But I highly doubt it.

I wouldn't. It's a slippery slope...you'll give him the chance to ask for more.

Does he buy gifts for your work colleagues?
Or make the effort to travel to your workplace for drinks after work?
I'm guessing not.

I work full-time but I don't have my own business.

My partner works for a charity and I attend all of their fund raisers, open days, social events and enjoy doing so.
I am really proud of him and want to show a united front, support him and enjoy meeting all of his colleagues.
My job doesn't afford this opportunity but if it did of course he would do the same for me.
We are a team, marriage is all about give and take and we always do what we can to support each other gladly and with a good heart.

If it was the opposite genders no one would expect the husband to go in and play nice.
You've nailed it yourself, OP, and you could say this to your husband.

I haven’t asked what you do or would do for him. I’m asking what he does for you re workplace support.

Does your job not offer a single opportunity for your partner to show a united front, support you and meet your colleagues?

Absolutely this! With your age gap, I think he wants to show off the much younger woman he's married.

He can sod off, you aren't his trophy to display.

Honestly, OP, from your thread title I thought there'd be a lot more to it than this one request he's made of you. I mean, it doesn't sound like he's actually asked you to bake for his staff, or anything like it - he's just suggested you pop in, and you've inferred all this other stuff based on what his partner's wife does. It does make you sound as if you feel it's all rather beneath you.

It seems like he's proud of his business, and wants to show it off to you - and is also proud to have you as his wife, and wants to show you off a little too. None of that sounds very terrible. For what it's worth, a few years ago my husband became a partner in the business in which he'd been an employee previously, and it has definitely changed my relationship with the business in a subtle way - as his wife I feel a sense of ownership in it too, as obviously its success affects us as a family, and I have much more interest in how the employees are getting on and any issues that might arise. It doesn't mean I've tied an apron on and asked everyone how they take their tea!

I worked for a fella who had his mates and family popping by quite often and it was pretty annoying tbh. If you're busy with a job the last thing you want is someone dropping by for a chat.

Sorry to be blunt but are your friends’ partners the same age as them or do they also have sizable age gaps?

In my own experience it’s often a certain type of man that wants that sort of relationship. With him also owning a business it’s quite possible he was looking for a wife to complete his image (like his business partner has) and is going to continue to pester you to make appearances for him.

Edit: I was going to try to be delicate and not use the term “trophy wife” but since a few others have already… I think that’s probably where his mind has been from the start.

Why would you do that to yourself?

You're now going to have to spend the foreseeable getting to know a man you've already married.

And this Stepford wife thing may be the tip of the iceberg 🤦‍♀️

If I was a member of staff I'd be much more impressed if the boss brought in cakes rather than his wife! He's sounds a misogynistic dinosaur and he's only in his 40s. Good for you op saying no.

"Dh sort of followed up by mentioning that it’s nice to show “appreciation” to everyone who keeps the business going."

Yes indeed but as it's his business, it should be him doing that, not you! Just tell him @Dropko

Disagree, my dp is 14yrs older than me and treats as the equal that I am.

It would be weird if he is an employee, but if its a small business owned and operated by him and they are a close knit team I can see why he would want you to get involved in some way as it is both your futures these people are working to support. So I think it would be nice to meet the spouse (male or female) if its that kind of business. I guess you don't have to bake cookies and pop in every week but I don't see why popping in once every few months with a box of donuts would be a major issue.

How the hell would the boss’s wife calling into the office during working hours boost morale? What would you even make small talk with the boss’s wife about, how awkward.

You’re right, he is being misogynistic and I just know he would look absolutely baffled if you suggested he pops into your work first with a muffin basket.

I was thinking maybe dh wants to show you off as a sort of trophy ( look at my young wife ).
If so, it’s mysoginistic.

Only go in if you want to. You shouldn’t really even have to explain yourself if you don’t want to.

Totally agree, tell him you don't want to rain on Mrs Partner's parade. I also agree it would be nice to pop in at Christmas with a thank you gift. A previous boss's / owners wife did this and it was enough.

I think everyone is taking the mysogist route and I actually despise men like this. But I don't know if thats the case. He probably talks about you loads in the office, runs a small team, might bave met their partners and knows about their kids graduations etc. He might just want to share some of what he has built with you too. I really don't see the problem in showing an interest and meeting the team that are building his company, which is effectively also partly yours as you are married.

I think he's living in the 1930s

I also agree it would be nice to pop in at Christmas with a thank you gift.
Why can't/shouldn't the actual boss do this though?

Why doesn't DH pop to M&S and buy mince pies?

This is just barking mad misogyny and nothing to do with age.

I'd probably do some baking and send it in with him. You have a FT job, and I'm sure the staff have enough of the other wife popping in. I can guarantee they do not relish her visits in my experience of working in a small family business. The wife was an interfering pain in the arse with the staff.