DH’s desire for me to play this Stepford wife role is highly misogynistic

[Dropko]

I recently married dh. He is 44 and I’m 31 so there is a bit of an age gap which I think may be part of the problem. We had quite a quick engagement so we are still adjusting in the early stages of our marriage.

Dh co-owns and co-runs a business. Think dentist or vet surgery. There are roughly 30 people who work there.

I really have no need to ever go in. It’s located in a surrounding village that I never need to go to.

Anyway, dh has said it would be nice if I occasionally dropped in and said hello. I said “what for” and DH said it would just be nice to show I care to staff. Given the nature of the business the work can be emotionally draining. But I don’t see how my presence will help in the slightest. Dh gave his business partner’s wife as an example. I personally could never constantly be dropping in the way she does. She’s always baking for the staff and doing coffee drop offs. It’s just not me. She’s also a housewife whilst I work full time and commute into London several times a week. Even if I didn’t work it’s not my personality to be like that. If I was going in I might bring in a treat if it was Easter or something. But I never go in.

I’m a bit miffed. If it was the opposite genders no one would expect the husband to go in and play nice. It’s really bizarre to me. Dh says I don’t want to come across stuck up! Or am I being a bit rude?

My friends say he should buy the staff muffins if he’s so concerned

Some people are 'feeders'. There's more time and inclination to do this when you're not working full time and commuting for three days. You have your own job/ work/ career. If his staff's morale needs boosting, that's his responsibility, not yours. Tell him to either give them a pay rise or buy an apron and get baking.

OP I've never ever known this, I'm struggling to think of 'spouses of the boss that I've known' and it really is only those whose wife worked in the business itself, or who was in town for a meeting and dropped in to have lunch or who picked up or dropped off an ill child. No muffins delivered and no flesh pressed.

But he hasn’t asked you to bake stuff to take in? I absolutely would not do that. However, in some businesses and situations, it would not be amiss to go and show your face as the employer’s wife. Bit old fashioned maybe, but not as mysoginistic as some are making out. Don’t forget that if you are married, the business is a marital asset and you have an interest.

I would be most concerned that barely married he thinks she owes his business baked goods.

I would be hugely concerned that despite her clearly reiterating her disinterest and discomfort at the idea, he keeps repeating it.

Why isn't he listening and hearing what she is saying.

Is he really that needy and insecure?
Is he the one who pushed for this quick marriage?
Was he a bit desperate to present as a married family man?
Some men are like that, very image conscious, particularly in business.
Is he also very conservative and traditional in his view of working wives, sharing the workload of home and children?

Good point!

...but this is clearly about how yoir husband feels about his business partner. It's a bit worrying - did he feel "less than" being single? Did he rush to acquire a wife to "keep up"? Had he based his idea of marriage on this bloke and his wife's (somewhat icky) relationship, as a lind of measuring stick?

It's his job to show his appreciation to his staff, nothing to do with you!

I think OP and PPs are possibly getting unnecessarily aerated about this. Has he explicitly asked YOU to provide baked goods? If so, that’s clearly unreasonable as you have a career and work full time.
But if he’s just asking you to show your face, I don’t think that’s unreasonable. It’s sociable and oils the wheels. Could you pop in when you have time, to be introduced and that’s that? Don’t forget the business interest - if yr husband is ill or incapacitated or worse, you may need to deal with some things and it’s easier if you can put faces to names.

Given he’s a business owner, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to pop in and put a face to your name and say hi to his team.

I appreciate you work full time too, but I’m assuming his income from said business contributes to your lifestyle as well?

Will there be a Christmas party you can go to?

I worked for a family owned business at one point and having family members around the office does not boost morale. At all. Good pay and conditions count. I can see turning up at a holiday party maybe but also non-essential. I think your DH is misguided.

Really ?? You would put yourself so low and get mocked behind your back

OP has her own life and career to look after. How does he think she can carve out the time to do it? Those people don't work with her. She's not their boss. Maybe at a push she could be invited to the work Christmas party if he really wants them to know her.

If wifey dropping in fairy godmotherish to the staff, was sooo important to this DH, I’m a little surprised this idea has taken so long to get to the surface & him need to make a big thing about it?
Like why wasn’t it mentioned until after becoming wed?

Agreed. It’s just weird , awkward and unprofessional and I hate when they ‘pick up little bits of work’ and blur the boundaries.

Oils which wheels? He has staff who work for him and who receive salaries. He has a business partner.
there are customers who come for a service they need at the time.
OP has suggested similar to vet or healthcare, so it sounds like it’s a service with a list of provision which will also (hopefully) be transparently priced.
These are all clearly arranged relationships with some sort of contractual obligations, not some delboy deals made in the pub or on the golf course.

You are clearly not used to this sort of set up. It’s not to do with the clients. Re read my last paragraph. It’s a marital asset.

That presumes that OP would be capable of, have time to, and want get involved if her DH got ill. She is probably far better off concentrating on her own career than putting effort into being a back up for her DH. If he gets ill his business partner would be far better as a back up, as would have happened before he’d got married.

Yeah

lol. ‘This sort of set up’? What if he hadn’t been married?

I don’t think it sounds that weird. Sounds like a family-type business in a small village, where, inevitably, people are used to getting to know everyone and forming a community as well as a workplace.

I don’t think baking is necessary, but you didn’t actually say he suggested this.

Wouldn’t have mattered. She wouldn’t have had a financial interest in it if he snuffs it 🤷‍♀️

She can’t do what he does. To safeguard her financial interest without putting a lot of time into learning the business, she needs to know the partner, understand the financial set up and who to speak to for financial and legal information and advice should her DH be incapacitated, and what exit plans would be valid (e.g. sell his interest). Knowing the staff’s names would be handy if she were going to go in and run things, but she isn’t learning the business and has a full time career of her own.

I’m not saying she needs to learn his job - it’s just handy to have knowledge of who’s who and be able to put faces to names if required. Christ, it’s just common sense and basic social skills and awareness not doing a shift.

For what purpose? What are you anticipating she will do at the workplace if her DH gets sick?

The things that you list yourself in the preceding post.