DH’s desire for me to play this Stepford wife role is highly misogynistic

[Dropko]

I recently married dh. He is 44 and I’m 31 so there is a bit of an age gap which I think may be part of the problem. We had quite a quick engagement so we are still adjusting in the early stages of our marriage.

Dh co-owns and co-runs a business. Think dentist or vet surgery. There are roughly 30 people who work there.

I really have no need to ever go in. It’s located in a surrounding village that I never need to go to.

Anyway, dh has said it would be nice if I occasionally dropped in and said hello. I said “what for” and DH said it would just be nice to show I care to staff. Given the nature of the business the work can be emotionally draining. But I don’t see how my presence will help in the slightest. Dh gave his business partner’s wife as an example. I personally could never constantly be dropping in the way she does. She’s always baking for the staff and doing coffee drop offs. It’s just not me. She’s also a housewife whilst I work full time and commute into London several times a week. Even if I didn’t work it’s not my personality to be like that. If I was going in I might bring in a treat if it was Easter or something. But I never go in.

I’m a bit miffed. If it was the opposite genders no one would expect the husband to go in and play nice. It’s really bizarre to me. Dh says I don’t want to come across stuck up! Or am I being a bit rude?

My friends say he should buy the staff muffins if he’s so concerned

I definitely don’t see it as beneath me. I have a mid level position, nothing ridiculously impressive. I’d love to be some high flying exec but I’m just not haha. Very average for my age and background.

Have you told him directly that you find it misogynistic?

DH once compared me to his friend's wife. So I then compared him to a friend's husband. He did not like it. I said, innocently, 'Oh since you compared me to X I thought it was fine to compare you to Y.' He never did it again.

I think you need to be more direct. Tell him to stop asking you to go to his work as you won’t be doing that. It’s all that really needs to be said. He can show his appreciation to his staff however he so chooses. You work full time fgs - does he not recognise that, or are you less than because you’re a woman?

I was thinking I could make an effort with Christmas. Buy posh wine and chocs?

I think you need to be direct with him. Showing appreciation for the team that is his job not his wife’s job. Will he be coming into your office with baked goods to show appreciation to your team?

Is he a funeral director?

Your friend is right. If the staff need baked treats, he should bake or buy them himself Cheeky git

If you make the effort for Christmas you'll have to do it every Christmas. Up to you if you're happy with that.

Can you try to drill down into why your husband thinks as he does? Is it a competition of some sort with the business partner whose wife does this stuff? Did he just expect you to be involved in his work, so a mis-march of expectations? My ex H was always deeply wounded that I wasn't interested in his job: it didn't work the other way round, not surprisingly.

You need to sort this out fairly soon, though.

That's lovely. You're time poor but do appreciate their efforts.

I remember one baking heatwave at work. I threw a cooler in the car went to a shop and bought 100 or so chilled cans of Pop for everyone. A couple of days later boxes of ice lollies. Then the heatwave broke.

Next time he brings it up, tell him clearly and unambiguously NO. Fuck that shit

I always think having a spouse showing up to work shows they’re concerned you are cheating or controlling. It’s not a great look imo. My world view is that work is work and home is home and the two shouldn’t meet.

If it’s a “he’s really proud of his business that he owns, and wants you to be familiar with it so you can see what it is to him” then I’d pop in occasionally. It’s a bit different from visiting a general workplace where someone is employed. If I liked baking, I might send him in with a cake for him to share with his staff occasionally. Or swan by and pick him up to take him out to lunch. Something with purpose.

But I would be feeling weird about the comparisons to the “always there” wife. It’s a thing, and he doesn’t realise it’s “a thing”.

God no. What a dinosaur.

It’s not unreasonable of you to not want to do it. I worked somewhere where my boss’s wife would just drop in and it was annoying (although I think she was actually checking up on him to make sure he wasn’t down the pub, they seemed to hate each other 😬)

I would love to do this.
I think it is great your husband wants you to be involved. I take an interest in my husband's job and work colleagues, if he had his own business I think it would be great to get to know his work colleagues.
It is a small organisation and no doubt has a family feel, I would be totally up for it (and I work full-time).

If I didn't want to do it for myself, I would still make the effort for my husband.
However I see I am in the minority, if not a loan voice!

Do you work? Does he do all this for you?

And I’d be telling him this. Do they have little dc/primary kids or just no need for her to work? I can’t believe he wants you to ‘drop in’ when you work full time! Presumably you’ve told him it’s not logistically possible? And why should you anyway? I’ve never been inside my DH’s job, also emotionally draining. Wouldn’t know any of his colleagues if I knocked them down in the street. Weird.

Oh this would do my head in. Reminds me of some years ago... When DH and I were out and about in the town he works in (it's 12 miles from where we live,) he used to say 'I'm just popping into work.' I would say 'why?' He'd say 'just for a chat with Becky/Dave/Cath/John' (whoever was in that afternoon.) 2-3 times a month he did it!!!

I'd say 'do we have to? Is it that important?!' He'd say 'I'm only going to be 5 minutes.' We'd go in and it was always fucking 20-30 minutes! And it would be about nothing! I would stand there like a spare part, whilst he chatted to his work colleague. Drivelling on about work, the manager, a certain colleague they disliked, and all sorts of bollocks that I had no interest in. They would chat to me now and again - but just passing the time/being polite.

When we left, DH would say 'you should ask Cath if she wants to go out for a drink with you,' and I'd say 'why?!' He'd say 'oh she likes you, she thinks you're fun.' I thought 'I don't even know her.' I said 'err I'll pass ta.'

One woman he worked with lived 2-3 miles from us, and he said 'you ought to go round to Becky's with a bottle of wine.' I was like Then his said 'I'll take you and come back for you after 3-4 hours.' I was like 'errrrr, no thanks.' He was puzzled as to why I didn't want to mix and socialise with HIS colleagues.

Got to the point where I started saying 'I will stay in the car!' Doesn't do it now thank fuck! But he did it for 4-5 years!

Just keep saying no @Dropko He will get bored of asking!

"to show you care" to the staff. Ew...

smiling, pleasing and serving as an accessory to a mans job is a very outdated expectation of women.

I find it quite a funny suggestion also, because it's so absurd. I'm just imagining you in a pencil skirt and stilettos, smiling unrelentingly, with a tray of coffees and cupcakes.

He sounds weird.

It's not so much his age, it's more that I can see why no-one else snapped him up when he was younger. I'd knock that on the head, hard. "Yes of course that's fine for your partner and his wife if that's what they want. But when I married you I agreed to respect your job but not to participate in it. Your professional life is your own, I have my own working life and I'm busy when I'm not work."

If they invite you to a social event, yes fine, make an effort. But you don't need to drop in to his workplace to "show appreciation" any more than he should drop in to yours. "It's up to you to show appreciation dear, not me."

I wouldn't be pissing around with buying them presents either. That's his job, not yours. Is he going to buy presents for your colleagues or subordinates? "I'm sorry dear but I'm not the Lady of the Manor and I'm not going to pretend".

The risk is that he may then decide he made a mistake not marrying his receptionist.

It depends if it would be expected the other way around. If I owned a business Id like my husband to come in and show his face but not need to bake cookies or anything.

Id just say the other wife is a housewife and youre not so you have less time.

I think you need another direct conversation and say exactly what you have detailed in your post! You need to spell it out and close this subject down completely!

It seems a very dated position for him to take.
The sort of position a misogynistic man whose wife is kept by the business would take.
He somehow feels after barely two years together that you somehow owe him and his business for your lifestyle.

Really bizarre.
Are you intending to have children?
Your marriage was fast, with an age gap, hence you never noticed this side to him.
What other expectations does he have, that he will relentlessly go on about, despit you clearly not being onboard with them?

Do not rush into children or be railroaded into having a family quickly because HE is much older.
YOU have plenty of time to decide and it reads as if you will need every minute of it.
I would be concerned his mask is slipping.....it usually does about two years in.

Be careful OP and listen to your gut.

I've always assumed this to, I never once though the DP's were behind it, makes you think doesn't it

Good God! Just tell him you don't want to go to his workplace and don't plan to ever do it. If you keep saying "maybe" or indicating that you will at some point in the future, it's no wonder he keeps asking. Be direct. You don't have to be brusque or unkind, but don't offer these wishy-washy responses in the hope he gets the message.