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Original poster

DH’s desire for me to play this Stepford wife role is highly misogynistic

279 replies

Dropko · 15/10/2025 15:31

I recently married dh. He is 44 and I’m 31 so there is a bit of an age gap which I think may be part of the problem. We had quite a quick engagement so we are still adjusting in the early stages of our marriage.

Dh co-owns and co-runs a business. Think dentist or vet surgery. There are roughly 30 people who work there.

I really have no need to ever go in. It’s located in a surrounding village that I never need to go to.

Anyway, dh has said it would be nice if I occasionally dropped in and said hello. I said “what for” and DH said it would just be nice to show I care to staff. Given the nature of the business the work can be emotionally draining. But I don’t see how my presence will help in the slightest. Dh gave his business partner’s wife as an example. I personally could never constantly be dropping in the way she does. She’s always baking for the staff and doing coffee drop offs. It’s just not me. She’s also a housewife whilst I work full time and commute into London several times a week. Even if I didn’t work it’s not my personality to be like that. If I was going in I might bring in a treat if it was Easter or something. But I never go in.

I’m a bit miffed. If it was the opposite genders no one would expect the husband to go in and play nice. It’s really bizarre to me. Dh says I don’t want to come across stuck up! Or am I being a bit rude?

My friends say he should buy the staff muffins if he’s so concerned

OP posts:
blankcanvas3 · 15/10/2025 15:56

I go into DH’s office occasionally, but mostly to meet him for lunch if I’m free, certainly not to hand out baked goods to his staff! I think he’s trying to show off to his business partner, that not only is his wife very young, but she is as good of a wife as his is. Don’t partake in it, it’s bizarre

MaurineWayBack · 15/10/2025 15:57

I suspect he has heard comments from people about how nice it is that wife of the other owner is coming over with treats.
And he feels that it’s reflecting on him (badly) that his wife isn’t doing that too.

Except that ofc if you’re working full time, it’s not going to happen is it?

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 15/10/2025 15:57

Surely mentioning your full time job brings this idea of his to a close?

thisishowloween · 15/10/2025 15:58

YANBU. He needs to get a grip.

Original poster
Dropko · 15/10/2025 15:58

Maray1967 · 15/10/2025 15:55

This is ridiculous - my DH is almost 60 and he wouldn’t expect this.

He’s refusing to acknowledge what you contribute to your marriage by doing paid work when he draws a comparison with his partner’s stay at home wife.

I’m a member of a church and I remember very well over thirty years ago hearing a senior clergyman managing our church while we were waiting for a new minister challenging a question which was basically whether a candidate’s wife would run the Sunday School because she was a primary teacher. It was made very clear that a congregation should not expect anything from a minister’s spouse, not even attendance, and certainly not unpaid voluntary work every Sunday.

comparing it to a vicar’s wife is exactly what is so off putting. It’s just way to twee and old fashioned. It’s just a place of work for everyone at the end of the day.

Im honestly kind of embarrassed. None of my friends’ partners would even contemplate asking this.

OP posts:
BrainlessBoiledFrog · 15/10/2025 15:59

This isn’t necessarily misogynistic at all. It depends on other aspects of his personality!
It could simply be he wants to portray a family run business that he feels is good for his business and feels happy with wife at his side. Perhaps he’s even feeling a bit insecure in the relationship given you’ve said you feel like everything was too quick.
Personally I’d not mind this and I’m very feminist. But I’d be glad my DP wanted me at his side and would likely have wanted to see the business. I wouldn’t be taking home made cakes - just grab some donuts etc! It won’t kill you and it doesn’t make you a stepford wife! Well not in unless he is secretly measuring you up for the AI clone…

Original poster
Dropko · 15/10/2025 16:00

The thing is I am a baker but only for my own enjoyment! I don’t need to prove myself to anyone. I honestly thought he would get the hint that I wasn’t going to do this.

OP posts:
ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 15/10/2025 16:01

NoisyMonster678 · 15/10/2025 15:51

Your DH may be wishing you would lift staff morale, it seems like he is also doing his best but you may be better going in with a positive attitude, if you choose to because being miffed about it is counter-productive.

Just look at it a different way, helping your DH's business which is great for both of you.

Would it be helping? I’d just be pissed off that someone was trying to keep the serfs happy with muffins.

Whilst trousering any bonuses

PosiePerkinPootleFlump · 15/10/2025 16:02

I am with you on this. If he happily turns up to your office with cake then maybe you are being a bit unreasonable (though frankly it would be way less bother for each of you to get your own workplace cake) but I bet he doesn’t.

user593 · 15/10/2025 16:04

I have worked in places where the owner’s wives have done this. If my DH asked me to do it I’d do it, but it’s not the culture where he works. Your DH’s business partner has made it the culture there. I wouldn’t necessarily call it misogynistic. I would if it wasn’t the done thing, then it would be a bit odd.

Original poster
Dropko · 15/10/2025 16:04

I’ve never taken a cake into my own work. I’ve bought countless after work drinks. It’s just really not my style. I’m obviously over thinking this as it’s just cake and coffee. But I would be so mortified rocking up now!

OP posts:
gannett · 15/10/2025 16:06

Namechange822 · 15/10/2025 15:47

Why don’t you ask him to pop into your workplace with homemade treats for your team and see what happens? If he willingly does it with no weirdness, this is just a difference of opinion. If he refuses then it’s misogyny!

You should absolutely, 100% ask him this and see how he responds.

What a ridiculous suggestion though. OP is right, he wants her to be a good little Stepford wife and it's really weird. I would laugh out loud if any man expected this of me. Also, I'm around her husband's age and not one of my male acquaintances would dream of asking their partners to do this, it's batshit.

Must say I'm curious how you got all the way to marrying him without his traditional gender role ideas coming up. Two years isn't that short a time. It's such an important topic to bring up - I make sure to have plenty of conversations about gender roles and feminism with my male friends, not just partners.

Catpiece · 15/10/2025 16:07

Before he retired my dh was a prison officer. I never called to see him at work 🤣

ClawedButler · 15/10/2025 16:07

Having worked at a place where one boss's wife would swan into the office at odd times and the other boss's wife didn't, in my experience people prefer the wife who's busy with her own life and isn't floating about the place like Lady Bountiful, bringing cakes no-one asked for and making fake-sounding chit chat with the 'minions' who have got bloody work to be getting on with.

Columbidae · 15/10/2025 16:08

I view it as sexist. He wants you to perform for him in a way that raises his status.

Thedevilhasfinallycaughtupwithhim · 15/10/2025 16:08

He’s perfectly capable of buying coffee and cakes if he so wishes.

gannett · 15/10/2025 16:08

That said I have also just remembered that DP has brought his home-made pastries into my place of work, lol. (It was a short-term contract with a small group of people, most of whom he knew, so it wasn't a weird reverse-Stepford vibe. Also he is a phenomenal baker.)

ShesNeverSeenAShadeOfGray · 15/10/2025 16:08

Tell him you'd like him to demonstrate how it's done first by appearing at your place of work with home-made treats (made by him!) for everyone.

Hankunamatata · 15/10/2025 16:12

Buy his own buns
If he wants you to meet his staff that badly then he should take you all out for dinner

MagicLoop · 15/10/2025 16:12

BrainlessBoiledFrog · 15/10/2025 15:59

This isn’t necessarily misogynistic at all. It depends on other aspects of his personality!
It could simply be he wants to portray a family run business that he feels is good for his business and feels happy with wife at his side. Perhaps he’s even feeling a bit insecure in the relationship given you’ve said you feel like everything was too quick.
Personally I’d not mind this and I’m very feminist. But I’d be glad my DP wanted me at his side and would likely have wanted to see the business. I wouldn’t be taking home made cakes - just grab some donuts etc! It won’t kill you and it doesn’t make you a stepford wife! Well not in unless he is secretly measuring you up for the AI clone…

Oh come on... do you think for one moment that he would think it was normal for a man to pop into his wife's workplace in this way?!

Loub1987 · 15/10/2025 16:15

This is so funny, I have never turned up to my husbands work, nor he mine.

If there was a staff party where spouses are invited then yes I think you should go but not just generally. Very strange. Does he want you to take a day annual leave to play lady bountiful with baked goods?

ForZanyAquaViewer · 15/10/2025 16:15

My theory is that he thinks what his business partner’s wife does is the norm.

How, though? How is he so far removed from reality that he thinks this is the norm?

Multiple people have asked if he would be willing to do this in your workplace. Would he?

justasking111 · 15/10/2025 16:16

@Dropko

Really it depends on what part of the country you live in and where the business is. Big city, town in the south is much more anonymous than a small tighter knit community.

I do know two dentists wives, one in well
Heeled part of Yorkshire. She did show her face do emergency holiday cover, bring in cakes on birthdays. Their toil did pay for her wonderful lifestyle and she appreciates that.

The other wife did the same. Her career was more of a hobby which fitted in with the children. Again she appreciated the staff

My vets wife was a high flyer who travelled a lot, the grannies did sterling work. She would also pop in when she could

My husband's always been self employed. 70 staff . I'd pop in with the children in pushchairs onwards. The staff were delighted to see them. The children loved it there. We'd buy staff wedding gifts, baby gifts, etc. when we got married we had a beautiful tea service from them.

I guess it depends on your community. Ours still ask after the babies 40 odd years later. 😂

Original poster
Dropko · 15/10/2025 16:16

Dh isn’t overly old fashioned in his views. This seems to be an anomaly. It’s starting to grate that he hasn’t picked up I have no interest in emulating this other woman. Who is lovely but very different to me. I would feel like such a phony at this point!

OP posts:
StrawberrySquash · 15/10/2025 16:16

comparing it to a vicar’s wife is exactly what is so off putting. It’s just way to twee and old fashioned

I agree with this, but also the vicar's wife was performing a valuable social role. It's totally fair for you to have your own career and not feel that it's a role you want to play. I don't think women are obliged to sacrifice ourselves like that.

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