DH’s desire for me to play this Stepford wife role is highly misogynistic

[Dropko]

I recently married dh. He is 44 and I’m 31 so there is a bit of an age gap which I think may be part of the problem. We had quite a quick engagement so we are still adjusting in the early stages of our marriage.

Dh co-owns and co-runs a business. Think dentist or vet surgery. There are roughly 30 people who work there.

I really have no need to ever go in. It’s located in a surrounding village that I never need to go to.

Anyway, dh has said it would be nice if I occasionally dropped in and said hello. I said “what for” and DH said it would just be nice to show I care to staff. Given the nature of the business the work can be emotionally draining. But I don’t see how my presence will help in the slightest. Dh gave his business partner’s wife as an example. I personally could never constantly be dropping in the way she does. She’s always baking for the staff and doing coffee drop offs. It’s just not me. She’s also a housewife whilst I work full time and commute into London several times a week. Even if I didn’t work it’s not my personality to be like that. If I was going in I might bring in a treat if it was Easter or something. But I never go in.

I’m a bit miffed. If it was the opposite genders no one would expect the husband to go in and play nice. It’s really bizarre to me. Dh says I don’t want to come across stuck up! Or am I being a bit rude?

My friends say he should buy the staff muffins if he’s so concerned

Simply inform him he’s way out of date, has he been watching abit too much “all creatures”??

Surely it’s down to him to involve you in his work if it’s important to him - like if there are Xmas drinks & partners are invited or he wants you to meet his business partner & his wife? I mean that does happen but to expect you to start behaving like the other wife who sounds like she’s been part of the fabric of the place since the outset & as you say does not work herself. Maybe him getting married is a big deal to his colleagues a & staff & they’re doing that ooh when do we get to meet her & want to see you now you’ve landed the boss of their mini world. I mean small businesses do breed that familiarity thing but does feel v traditional & gendered by him - like when if you work F/T wld you just be dropping in? Does he see himself as the top dog & semi wants to show you off to his work & colleagues?. V weird if he never did so before. Obvs his workplace my be a different animal than yours if it’s his business he’s set up & run for many years & which becomes perhaps more familiar in many ways?

I think the 40 odd years later is relevant in this case

If he wants the workers to eat cake, he'd better make like Betty fucking Crocker and do it himself.

Dumbass. What century does he think he's living in?

@Dropko so what does your husband say when you have told him all of the above?

Susan and Frank's partners swing with them and their colleagues, it will seem really weird now we're in a relationship if we don't do the same. Frank really fancies you so I don't want to let them down.

This would be a good Man Who Does It All post. My wife Katie thinks I should bake cupcakes and bring them into her Funeral Directors business for all her staff. I work full time in London and don’t have time - should I get my apron on anyway?

‘Picked up’ on it? Have you not just directly told him?

Dh and I have only really had one direct conversation where I said “yeah, that’s not me” which Dh sort of followed up by mentioning that it’s nice to show “appreciation” to everyone who keeps the business going. I have always been very non commital. “Yeah, maybe”/“im overloaded at work right now”/“im knackered” etc. He must’ve realised I really don’t want to go in. So the fact he STILL brings it up annoys me. It’s not like he’s always fussing at me. But for example, last week I had the morning off and he suggested I drop in. Luckily I had plans so had a great excuse. It’s grating! His willful ignorance is borderline pissing me off. It’s such a non issue. Why it can’t be dropped is beyond me

The dentists wives are still relevant here. We still have a hand in the business our sons now run. We've employed three generations of families now, which is something quite unusual.

As I said it depends on your community.

I don't think it's that bad for him to ask this. But you need to be completely straight up with him.

Of course she was asking! I am always asking after my colleagues' children or spouses, it's part of a work place small talk. This does not mean I am even remotely interested in meeting them.

Directly communicate with your husband, OP.

Its definitely not an age thing, ita a your Dh thing!
The only time I've been to dhs work place is when ive given him a lift for what ever reason and had to wait around for a bit. Ive no issue with that.
The only time I usually see dhs colleagues is on the Christmas do as partners are invited , and as itscusually a free hotel accommodation in a nice place and a lovely meal and entertainment I'm
up for that!

However your Dh is weird.

Im sure he wouldn't pop into your place to say hi, with some freshly baked scones!
Definitely an old fashioned attitude that is quite rightly seen as misogyny now

Village/rural businesses can be different and as the bosses wife being visible to the staff is a community thing, rather than a trad wife thing.
Go for a drink with them after work one day. Dh pays obviously.

I mean, you need to tell him straight up what you've told us rather than avoiding it and looking for excuses. You're doing hinty-hinty non-communication, so he probably thinks you're up for it in theory. You need to tell him directly you think it's a terrible, weird idea and you absolutely won't be doing it, and also you think he might be insane for suggesting it.

Point out that if any of the female staff ever had a sexual discrimination claim this could be seen to be adding to a sexist company culture. Women, even those with their own careers are expected to literally cater to everyone else. Men do not provide cake and the like - that’s wife work. It’s a bad look.

Yes, I've seen this "both ways round" with people who have shops. Wouldn't be possible in my job, but I'd quite like it if it was.

He wants to show off his trophy wife.

Would it hurt to go in once and say hello? All the "I’ve never been into my DH’s work” posts aren’t really relevant unless their DH is the business owner. Some family owned businesses are a bit like this. He must have spoken about you a lot at work, and he’d like you to meet his staff, especially as his partner’s other half does this already. I don’t see the harm unless he’s asking you to bake weekly and drop in for tea! On the other hand you’re straight into quoting misogyny and stepford wives - isn’t that a bit of an overreaction unless he has other behaviours that make you think this way?

On the other hand you give a slight impression that this small town business is of no interest to you, with your central London job and busy commute. But surely now you’re married, you have an interest in its success as well? It matters to him you show a passing interest - does it really matter to do it here and there? I don’t see it as performing but just being slightly friendly and social. One of my DH’s friends turns up as an other half at events all the time - his wife is a super high powered board director. He just sees it as supporting her and they have been married a long time!

I owned a business.

My business partners wife was a doctor. She came in once I think - to take him to lunch. Never sent anything in. My husband popped in occssionally because id left my lunch at home or our tech needed repairing. Maybe twice a year - tops.

You are the normal one here!

I like the idea that you agree to do it once in a while, but he should do the same for you.

I like the idea that you agree to do it once in a while, but he should do the same for you.

It’s a bit “First Lady”. Wives went to events at my dad’s (and fellow partners) firm in the 80s and 90s. It was quite an old fashioned place. I don’t recall wives and husbands being part of the picture when I was in law in the noughties. Perhaps the smaller places where everyone knew each other.

I can’t imagine caring if a wife/ husband dropped into my workplace and it wouldn’t boost morale. As a PP said, a cash bonus is better than biscuits!

Start as you mean to go on. While I don’t think it’s outrageous to visit the staff and bring coffee or food item I certainly don’t think you need to do it irregardless of the other wife and definetly not if you have your own full time job.

I did have a colleague whose wife picked out fabulous Christmas gifts for his very small very “work together every day all day” all female staff and it was well received. Same gift for all and it was nice…jewlery scarves Tiffany candleholder. A once a year gift and while she selected them he brought them and passed them out. “Mrs” doctor was never seen