DH’s desire for me to play this Stepford wife role is highly misogynistic

[Dropko]

I recently married dh. He is 44 and I’m 31 so there is a bit of an age gap which I think may be part of the problem. We had quite a quick engagement so we are still adjusting in the early stages of our marriage.

Dh co-owns and co-runs a business. Think dentist or vet surgery. There are roughly 30 people who work there.

I really have no need to ever go in. It’s located in a surrounding village that I never need to go to.

Anyway, dh has said it would be nice if I occasionally dropped in and said hello. I said “what for” and DH said it would just be nice to show I care to staff. Given the nature of the business the work can be emotionally draining. But I don’t see how my presence will help in the slightest. Dh gave his business partner’s wife as an example. I personally could never constantly be dropping in the way she does. She’s always baking for the staff and doing coffee drop offs. It’s just not me. She’s also a housewife whilst I work full time and commute into London several times a week. Even if I didn’t work it’s not my personality to be like that. If I was going in I might bring in a treat if it was Easter or something. But I never go in.

I’m a bit miffed. If it was the opposite genders no one would expect the husband to go in and play nice. It’s really bizarre to me. Dh says I don’t want to come across stuck up! Or am I being a bit rude?

My friends say he should buy the staff muffins if he’s so concerned

This is 100% about him and the image of himself that he wants to portray. i.e. Successful business owner with 30 employees and a loyal doting wife by his side who just loves baking treats and supporting him and his important job.
He wants to show you off, to show he 'has it all'. He doesn't care that you don't want to, that's why he's not listening to you when you try to explain that you'd feel very uncomfortable doing it. It's all about what HE wants.
Whatever you do hang onto your job and keep your boundaries in place and protect them.

You have the wrong angle here, it’s not about you or your role at all.

its about him and how the business partner manages to one up him with a performing wife. He probably doesn’t even realise he has engaged in a pissing contest, but he has.
ignore, or if he brings it up ask him about how he feels about the wife, does he really want that from you or is it just because the other wife does it. I suspect he hasn’t looked inward at his reasoning, if he manages to do so then you’ll find out if he is misogynistic.

I worked for a small law firm in the late 90’s where one of the Partner’s wives would pop in regularly. It was so disruptive, she expected everyone to stop for a chat even though we were super busy & it always somehow felt as though she was interviewing you.

Apparently her husband had had an affair with his Secretary many years previously & she’d been popping in unannounced ever since. Quite sad really I suppose.

Because I believe that a happy marriage is based on compromise.

I'd rather my employer showed his appreciation by giving me a nice little cash bonus twice a year.

I voted YABU

I work for a small business and I have met the husband on quite a few occasions.
His name is also on any cards/gifts that I receive.
He is nothing to do with the actual business though.

I used to work for another business which was the same.

I wouldn’t expect it all of the time but some businesses try and convey a ‘family-friendly business’ type and perhaps this is what DH is trying to do.

My vet has family photos of him and his wife and kids with their pets as that’s the image they’re trying to show.

I wouldn’t think it was misogynistic at all but if you don’t have time then you don’t have time.

Also presumably you see them all at the Christmas party/ drinks. That's enough.

That's weird.
Our two males bosses come round each one of us and they give us treats.

If I see the wife who doesn't work there coming to hand me a slice of cake, I actually might start to worry what's going on tbh

So should the OP take annual leave from her own job so that he can receive this public love? Would everyone think it was normal if the OP said she needed him to abandon his patients for the day to come to her work so that she feels loved too? Course not. I have never been to my DP’s work and he has never been to mine and I can’t see that ever changing.
He basically wants the status symbol of a stay at home wife and I’d tell him to get stuffed if he brought it up again.

What is the husband compromising? Why is this particular point something the OP should compromise about, rather than, say, they agree that he should do the laundry because she hates it and she should do the grocery shopping because he hates that?

Wrong thread?

@Dropko I think his age is irrelevant here. 44 is far too young for the attitude you’re concerned about to be an issue. My husband is 44 and would never think this was a thing that needed to/should be done. Maybe he hasn’t thought that deeply about it beyond his business and staff being important to him and seeing his partner’s wife doing it. I think there may be elements of the thought process that are ok - ‘I’d like my wife to meet the people I work with’ and elements that aren’t - ‘I’d like her to bake cakes for them and bring them in like the good and soon-to-be exalted wife of a benevolent employer’.

My suggested response to this would be something like ‘It’s nice that you want me to meet everyone - it’s pretty different to my workplace culture but I get that. When’s the next good, natural opportunity for that to happen (e.g. work dinner, drinks etc)? Regarding baking cakes, I’m sure you can see that that would be a pretty old fashioned expectation of a woman’s role and it’s not something that I would ever do. I think it’s nice that you want to treat your staff though - I’ve heard that x/y/z bakery is pretty good if you didn’t fancy baking yourself’.

Its gross. I'll be grossed out if our bosses invited partners to love on them while we work. That's not the place for it

Um. Conflicted on this one. I see exactly where you're coming from.

But also, I (female) own a business and employ about 25 people, and while my husband doesn't come into work with cakes, I do kinda... expect(?)... him to come to certain work events and co-host with me. Expect is the wrong word. I ask, and he always happily wants to come.

Why do I do this? Part pride. I'm proud of my business and I love it and I want him to be a part of it, because I'm proud of him and I love him too.

Partly in recognition of how much of my time it takes up - if he sees it and the people I talk about, then it's less abstract to him.

I don't think you're being unreasonable and I voted as such, but I can sorta see reasons that aren't entirely Stepford Wife-y driving his request. Where that goes south is him referencing the other partner's wife. But even then, it could be as much about asserting his position in the business as caring just as much about it as the partner whose wife centres it too.

What does the OP have to thank her husband's work colleagues for?

He wants to show her off. She's only 31, probably looks 26

I don't think it's a misogynistic thing.

I used to run a village based business and my husband used to pop in; he'd bring us lunch if we had an all day meeting or pop in to fix things or drop off treats. Not every day or every week but every now and then. He just wanted to show his support for me and what we were doing. It made things feel friendly at work and it made me feel like he cared about what I did, about the business and about me.

And I've done the same for him when he's been running businesses because I want to support him too. Ultimately, our family benefits from his business and I want him to feel, and I want to feel, like we're in it together - the business and life.

This is a man thing, not all obviously, but an old fashioned man. It falls into the same basket as him expecting you to remember all his families birthdays, buy and send all cards and presents at Christmas, do the Mother’s Day flowers etc.

These things are not about being a team or compromising they are generally about men getting women to do stuff for them while they do all the ‘important things’. My test of these things is to turn it around, if I was a vet would I ask my husband to come in to my work place to meet my staff and bring cakes etc - err no I wouldn’t. This doesn’t pass at all.

I’d just pop in once and then if he ever mentions it again say ‘I did it. It’s your turn next’

I used to work in a small family-run business. (Owner's son was also our manager)
The owner was one of the most old-fashioned employers ever! I started there in 1993 and, although there was no work uniform, all us women had to wear skirts...no trousers allowed! (This rule did change over the course of a few years!)
I worked there for 14 years and saw the owner's wife precisely once - and she didn't bring treats/baked goods/presents/coffee with her! So even old-fashioned, sexist Mr. L didn't expect his wife to visit his employees!

Totally unnecessary IMO.

I bet DH is competing with his business partner who has a sociable wife who likes to support her husband in this way. Nothing wrong with that, but not every wife wants to do it or has the time. Is it even clear that the staff are pleased to have her popping in disturbing their working day and bringing calorific treats?
You're doing well to stay out of this. If DH wants you to meet his colleagues, he could arrange a work drinks party to which partners are invited.

The staff member is probably just being polite, I'm sure she doesn't expect you to pop in weekly with cakes and coffee!
And if she did, so what? DH is the boss, he doesn't need to pander to a staff member's expectation.
Is he a people pleaser or someone who cares a lot about what other people think of him?

Watxh out for him thinking what you do is a reflection on him, any other signs of this sort of controlling behaviour?

You’re young and pretty and he wants to show you off. Men can be a bit 🤮 like that.

I'm sorry to say that I see loads of red flags re your DH. Please keep an eye on this. Sounds like a classic love bombing > whirlwind romance > control pattern

He want's op to go in on a regular basis, I'm agreeing with her that popping her head in at Christmas is a compromise.

I'm in a fairly recent marriage, but I'm guessing a fair bit older than the average poster and I've become more laid back as the years have gone by. Things that I may have raged about when younger really don't bother me any more, my late husband died in his fifties, life's short, hence I compromise, but so does he.