My poor boy

[Sawit12]

DS is 4 and started reception in September. He has asd and adhd. At pick up yesterday I noticed that the children had party invites that they were holding (it’s only a small class so it seemed everyone had one) DS didn’t. I speak to 2 other mums that I met in September and both of their children had been invited. I looked in his book back when I got home just incase but there wasn’t an invite there😔

I understand that he isn’t your “typical child” (I don’t know how else to phrase that) but it broke my heart. The only thing that is helping is knowing that he doesn’t have a clue about it

No real help but sorry this is happening.
In my opinion class parties should either be the whole class or less than half of the class. X

Was the whole class invited except for him? Without sounding harsh, you’re going to have to get used to it as your child won’t always be invited to parties and this will continue the whole way through school and life. Often there are logistical reasons (numbers and cost) that means everyone can’t be invited.

Oh op, it's absolutely heartbreaking when your child is excluded.

It's awful as well because you know how lovely and kind and funny your boy is, and then others judge him on a few snapshots.

Make sure to take him out to do something fun on that day, and be kind to yourself too.

I can’t say for certain but there’s only 12 children in his class and they let him out last to stop him getting too overwhelmed. All the children seemed to be holding one. I know it’s something that I have to get used to but it still hurts

Hugs to you OP. Will your little one be having a party?

It just hurts because he really is a sweet, kind and caring little boy deep down😔

It’s his birthday in February so I’m planning on doing something for him x

The only response I can offer is that another mum hears you, OP. It is heartbreaking when we see our children excluded or singled out for poor treatment because they are not neurotypical.

My own son is recently transitioning into Year 7 and having a very hard time. He is actively undergoing an ASD assessment and has none of his friends from primary in his form. He has already been singled out as the form 'weirdo', called 'psychotic' because of his serious enthusiasm for history, which is as single-minded as neuro-diverse people can sometimes be.

We are trying to teach him the tools to deal with this, but it's hard. Kids will home in on anything they perceive as 'different', and if parents are excluding them from party invitations at this early stage, a lot of these attitudes are clearly picked up in the home.

The child with ADHD at DC's primary has gone to a different secondary school but he was welcomed and supported by everyone in primary, including the kids, despite the fact that his behaviour could be challenging at times.

Sending a bit of solidarity your way 💐

I'm sure he is a caring, sweet boy. It's dreadfully sad. Unfortunately YABU because you cannot control the actions of others.

Did the teacher hand them out / were they handed out in class?

If yes, definitely speak to the teacher about it. This was banned at our school as it can be horrible and make it very obvious and it's extra work and stress for the teacher.

On the flip side (I’ve got a daughter with asd) would it be kind to send him into an u familiar party environment? Would he actually be able to cope and manage?

I appreciate that this doesn’t negate the exclusion but the fall out from a neuro diverse/neuro minority child attending a whole class party can be pretty big.

This depends on the neurodiverse child. The spectrum is broad: as the saying goes, 'if you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person'.

I had to take DC home from his leaver's party an hour early, as after a certain period of time he could no longer take the noise and sensory overload. He also hates organised entertainment like games party hosts, magicians, etc. Those are his limits, which we know and work around, but that should be something for him/us to manage rather than parents simply not inviting him to a communal event.

Thankfully the primary was very welcoming but we are finding out early (and harshly) that secondary is a whole different ball game.

From what another mum told me, it’s at a play centre. He absolutely loves play centres. If it were for a house for example I probably would decline

I remember the feeling well OP and I sympathise totally.
The same thing happened to my DS almost 13 years ago and it broke my heart seeing all the other kids excitingly holding their invitations and my DS was the only one without one.
All I can say is try to ride it out. Your DS will find his group and have invites aplenty in the future. Try to keep in mind that it upsets you more than it’ll upset him.

At 16 years old, my DS has a great group of mates. They go and support our local football team together, play on a football team together, kick a football around the park together (you see the theme here) go to the gym, cinema etc.

@Sawit12 I honestly feel for you but wonder if the 'deep down' means that at school his behaviour can be challenging? If so the party child's parent may assume that he wouldn't cope with a party or be concerned that he won't cope with unfamiliar children being there as well as his classmates.
It's a pity when there's only 12 children that the parent concerned didn't feel able to contact you to talk about it and actually ask how your child would cope at a party. But a lot of people don't know how to handle such conversations where SEN is concerned. Not making excuses as it's unkind but suggesting possible explanations. Unfortunately not much you can do though. Sympathies.

Oh, OP, I feel for you. Been there, done that with one of mine who has the same. It hurts for both you and them. ETA to make it worse, they had to watch their siblings troop off to birthday parties all the time🫤.

If it helps, while those first school years were really tough in this regard, they eventually found their tribe at high school where they made up for lost time with birthday parties when most others had stopped having them as it was then ‘uncool’😝. Even now in their mid-20’s that group still all have a ‘party’ as it’s important to them. I guess they all just felt so good when they got to go to parties that it’s important to them? They still buy each other a gift as well for the birthday parties which I find sweet. This is a group of guys as well if it helps. I really wish I could have seen into the future when mine was young and I honestly believed they’d never get to go to a party that was not their own.

I 100% believe his behaviour could possibly be challenging at times. So far, the teachers have never expressed anything. I have heard a couple of times if we’ve been walking behind another child and parent where the child has said “there’s sons name he always jumps and throws things” another day I over heard “oh no sons name is there” It is hard to hear but I understand that the children are only young themselves so they don’t understand him.

I don’t know. It’s just difficult I guess

Oh, OP. My heart hurts for you. It is so, so painful. Hopefully he'll get some invitations after you have a party in February for him. Sending a hug and some empathy. xx

I completely understand the hurt OP. This may seem basic (but I didn't realise at first) that those that you invite to your son's party usually invite back next year. So if you have a class party - probably more invites next year. I hope things get better soon - and remember school doesn't have to be the only source of friends. We had better luck with clubs because the kids are then usually interested in the same thing which is a good start.

That's heart breaking, parenthood really opens your heart to these things and I dread this element of school life for my two year old. It really should be only full class gets invites or the oarwnts can invite the parents of kids they want to invite privately.

I know in the real world this sort of thing is part and parcel of being in the world, but schools should aim to be something more of a utopia especially in reception. Invite all or noone. Is there a chance it'd a mistake and he's misplaced the invite?

My suggestion would be play dates with individual children so he can build up one on one relationships. His behaviour is likely to be calmer (and you are there to support him/intervene!) and it means the other child is more likely to view him as a friend and someone to be invited.

My DS is the same, it's awful because he's always excluded.

He loves birthdays. He really enjoys family parties.

We threw him a birthday party at a soft play, got 10 RSVP yes responses, booked for 15 just in case anybody brought siblings, and only 2 people turned up.

Then not long after, one of the school mums had the absolute gall to tell me that she'd invited most of the class (not DS though) and hardly anybody turned up to her precious DD's birthday party. I just said "Oh yeah, it's shit when that happens." Not made eye contact with me since.

I can’t fathom a parent who would exclude ONE child in a class from a party. My son had ND children in reception (still does). No way would they have been excluded. If 10/11 children have been invited that is incredibly mean IMO

How has he been diagnosed with ADHD at 4?

If your sons behaviour is to the extent its making multiple 4 yr olds talk about it to their parents, and you’ve randomly heard it multiple times, I’m guessing the behaviour is a real challenge.

My question then, would be why the teacher hasn’t raised this with you directly in the 6 weeks he’s been at school!? Not good enough of them.

I would set up a meeting with the teacher to understand what’s been going on, how your child’s behaviour has been, what they’re doing to support him, and what impact it has on the class.

YANBU to feel hurt he’s been excluded and I do find it odd that he’s being excluded by parents so early on. I think it rings a red flag that it’s not all going well at school and the teacher needs to improve their communication with you.