My poor boy

[Sawit12]

DS is 4 and started reception in September. He has asd and adhd. At pick up yesterday I noticed that the children had party invites that they were holding (it’s only a small class so it seemed everyone had one) DS didn’t. I speak to 2 other mums that I met in September and both of their children had been invited. I looked in his book back when I got home just incase but there wasn’t an invite there😔

I understand that he isn’t your “typical child” (I don’t know how else to phrase that) but it broke my heart. The only thing that is helping is knowing that he doesn’t have a clue about it

Oh yeah, there are some massive nasty pieces of work on here when it comes to disabled kids. Apparently they're not allowed to have a fridge.

Saying “oh no it’s X” doesn’t mean they’re scared. You’re assuming that, as in your opinion the act of singling this boy out and excluding him was justified, to a lot of mums it’s not justified at all - and it’s cruel. Hence why it’s so hard to understand the actions of so many parents, as we all have our own view on what is ok/ cruel etc. To you, this made sense, and you’d do the same, to me I find it cruel and damaging to the boy, and would be extremely upset if the same was done to my children.

If his condition is severe enough for him to be diagnosed already you need to be looking at specialist schools. And you need to be doing it now because you’re likely to have a massive battle lasting several years to get him the support he needs

That’s not correct in severity correlating to age of diagnosis. My child, and many were diagnosed young, prior to school or in first year of school (after being on the waiting list for some time prior when issues had been identified), and none of them would have really qualified for specialist units. A few parents actually pushed for it until visiting a few and finding they only really catered to what would have been known in times gone by as ‘low functioning’ autism and not kids who can be very academically able. It seems to be a real gap unfortunately, which is a shame for everyone and should be addressed but I doubt it ever will be.

My child sat under their desk for the first three years of schooling and refused to participate in class. They did do some work under the desk though, but not much. This sort of thing marks the child as ‘weird’ to other children, which is why they do not get invited to parties. Long story short, eventually my child came out from under the desk, eventually they participated in more class work, eventually they actually even did tests, eventually they met others like themselves and became genuine friends, eventually they got to do specialist subjects they were actually interested in which allowed them to flourish and show their true abilities, get into a competitive uni degree and then get a great job in a specialised area.

I really wish there was a different/seperate schooling system that accommodates children like mine so they would have had a positive schooling experience in the primary/lower high school generalist years but there is not. My friend though was incredibly grateful for a spot in a specialist school for her child with autism, as they needed somewhere safe to send them of a day so they could work. Their child, in their 20’s, is now in institutionalised living, non verbal, not toilet trained, and permanently heavily medicated for their own and others safety, which apart from the sedating medication aspect is pretty much the same state as when they started school unfortunately😞.

I'm so sorry @Sawit12 , it does hurt for your child. Hugs.

We've always done whole class or less than half, also making sure it's not all but 1/2 girls or boys etc. One of my daughter's recent birthdays for example she invited 4/8 girls.

In our nursery and my dc's schools we have had children with non-verbal ASD and other disabilities that require supports and what I've done is reach out to those parents in advance and ask how we can make sure the party works for them. We've done this probably 5/6 times over the last few years. One Mum burst into tears and while her child ended up at a special school, she has kept in touch and at least a couple of times a year mentions how that conversation about how we wanted her son to be there and what could we do to help, got her through such a hard week with her son and how much that kindness meant to her even years later.

I wish the world were kinder. I wish we had more supports available in schools so that all children can thrive. I wish your son wonderful friendships and compassion. Hugs again.

Yes but one child did say he throws things, so it doesn’t matter what the other child meant.
My child doesn’t throw things and would be scared of another who did that and she wouldn’t want to be around them- and I wouldn’t force her to!
I do think at age 4 the parents should have included the child but made it clear to the op that she attends and manages her child.
At later ages kids start choosing and it becomes even trickier then.

I would never have a full class party and not invite one child. It’s cruel. We just did parties for DS’s friends.

I would speak to the teacher though OP - not defending party parent but make sure your DS’ behaviour isn’t upsetting other children by hitting or anything aggressive - DS is in year 5 now and a
boy with autism bit another boy quite badly a couple of weeks ago. So behaviour can affect others .

I always insisted no boy was left out of infant level party invites, but we did have one very difficult party with a boy whose parent really should have stayed. I had to physically hold down the table when he tried to tip it over in a rage after I took balloons from him that he was using to hit another child with. A couple of other parents had stayed, which was just as well as I’m not sure how I would have managed supervising the food and cake part if it had just been DH and me.

So I can see both sides. OP, speak to the teacher and ask what his behaviour is like towards other children. You really need to know the situation.

I'm amazed you can't empathise also with the mother whose son has been left out. You can agree with not including one child (and I absolutely would judge you for doing this), but surely that doesn't mean you can't empathise?

For 5th birthday, early in the school year, small class of 12, I would ask all children. I would also say its not a leave and run party- and invite a parent to stay for each child. When older, I wouldn't. I'd reduce the numbers and just have their close friends.

Surely at 4 the parents are still staying at the parties to keep an eye on their own child?

There doesn't need to be SEN in the picture for a 4 year old to have a behavioural wobble/sit on the birthday cake/reverse a tricycle into the birthday girl/dissolve into floods of tears if they don't win pass the parcel.

I can't understand why it isn't all the children plus parent to supervise their own. Those are the only parties I went to in reception. End of Reception year/Year 1 some parents started to ask if it was ok to "drop and run" but even then the parents of more complicated children tended to stay.

Where I live all parents stay at the parties until Year 2. Then it’s drop and go. Absolutely no-one leaves a Foundation kid with strangers, so the parents can parent any poor behaviour.

At my son's school the teacher would only give out invites if it was to the whole class.

My son was exceptionally lucky and went to The Moat School in Fulham which was for children of 'normal' intelligence with specific learning difficulties, including asd, dyslexia and adhd. Going to a specialist school saved his life.

There’s a huge difference between not getting invited to every party than to being the only one not not invited.

My son was exceptionally lucky and went to The Moat School in Fulham which was for children of 'normal' intelligence with specific learning difficulties, including asd, dyslexia and adhd. Going to a specialist school saved his life

That’s fantastic to hear. There should be a school like that accessible to every child like this, that would be ideal. Unfortunately, there is not, it’s more miss than hit in terms of luck for a child to be able to go to such a school that is fit for purpose for their needs. It shouldn’t be down to luck, it should be a right and it would benefit not only these children but all the other children in the schools they are stuck in, but bless pigs fly there will never be funding to increase the number of these schools/placements.

its so painful when you feel your child doesn’t fit in/is left out

op please remember not all parents will leave out some children (ds parties was always all the class when very little even though some children he didn’t play with) and many other parents do the same

he will find his little group and children are so much supportive towards each other than when many of us were at school

da has adhd and his friends (who he has told) have been so supportive it’s really touching to see

I know it’s hard to not look at the negatives and it’s hard to not project

and please ignore those that want to be mean, they chose too. they really are not worth you replying to

Yes. The number of posters wanting to jump on op and point the finger at her when all she had done was express she felt sad for her DS being left out exposes the levels of enthusiasm about opportunities to be unkind that exist amongst some. It's no wonder the DS is being left out with mindsets like that on the loose in society.

As it should be I think. Even NT children are volatile and prone to social errors at that age - especially in the exciting and unfamiliar context of a party.