My poor boy

[Sawit12]

DS is 4 and started reception in September. He has asd and adhd. At pick up yesterday I noticed that the children had party invites that they were holding (it’s only a small class so it seemed everyone had one) DS didn’t. I speak to 2 other mums that I met in September and both of their children had been invited. I looked in his book back when I got home just incase but there wasn’t an invite there😔

I understand that he isn’t your “typical child” (I don’t know how else to phrase that) but it broke my heart. The only thing that is helping is knowing that he doesn’t have a clue about it

Sending love to you and your DS.

Perhaps have a chat with his teacher and find out who he pays with or alongside and have a little Halloween tea party over half term? A chance to break the ice with the parents too over a cuppa and cake at home.

This happened to my son all the time in primary school ( he was diagnosed with dyspraxia at 7 and was definitely ‘different’ from his peers - no good at sport, very articulate, cautious and reserved in social situations. He is now 24 with an amazing group of friends and a great social life. I still remember how much it hurt at that time though.

I’m sorry OP it sucks. As you say, the good thing is your DS is unaware.

I too am surprised the school haven’t said anything.

I think you need to be brave and ask for a meeting, say you’ve heard X and Y comments and seen he wasn’t invited when everyone else was - what is he doing in school to get these reactions? It won’t be a nice meeting for you but you can’t help him unless you know what is happening.

He also ought to be working with the school Senco or Sen team to help with his emotional control, impulsiveness, sensory needs etc. Is that happening, sounds like it isn’t?

In your own head I think play the long game. Accept that party invites and playdates may be thin on the ground for now and family based stuff is where it’s at. (In fact when my DC was left out of parties I used to try to organise something else at the same time so that if they asked, I could tell them “well you couldn’t have gone as we’re doing X on Saturday”).

But hopefully when he is 7/8 things may look up as he matures. Are there multiple forms and do the classes get mixed up at some point? This can be a real boon for kids whose social skills develop slower as it gives them a fresh start.

I can't understand why you would leave one child out. My daughter had a couple of children with special needs in her class and they were always welcome and their parents always stayed in case of any issues. I'm so sorry you're little boy has been left out

It could be people making assumptions, often out of fear and ignorance.

One of my DC friends at this age had Downs and behaviour could need a bit more support than average. Her DM very smartly said early in the first year that the DC enjoyed parties but she would need to accompany her for a few years yet due to her needs. That instantly cancelled out any unspoken concerns about caring for a child with extra needs at a party.

two things to check:

1. it hasn't been misplaced, I once got accussed of leaving a child out but it was a whole class party (invites handed out by the teachers) and theirs had gotten lost, they WHERE invited just like they always had been. It was easily cleared up and they did end up coming to the party.

2. that you have authorized contact, in my kids school you now have to tick a box to receive any 'non school' handouts. Its usually with all the authorizations for photos, been taken on school trips, names been mentioned in new letters etc...

All schools I know have a blanket policy so if you dont invite EVERYONE they wouldn't had out invites, schools don't allow exclusions and bullying.

We thought something was weird last year as my daughter didn't get invited to any parties through the year until she got invited to 3 right after her birthday (at the very end of the year). I thought maybe the other kids dont like her.

Found out this year from the birth day chart in the class room that nearly the whole class have end of school year or summer holiday birthdays which is mad really but between September and end of May theres only like 7 birthdays (2 months dont have even a single birthday in them) and then there is like 15 birthdays through June/July/August.

I'm so sorry to hear this. I don't know how people can live with themselves excluding one or two kids for an early years party, I really don't. I'd feel awful.
We were very lucky that all the kids and parents at my ND DDs primary were wonderfully accepting, and by the time the kids were older and having smaller parties where they would choose the friends to attend themselves, when she didn't get invited, we could explain/reason with her and point out to her that most of the class weren't going anyway.
Our local primary doesn't allow party invites to be handed out on school grounds if the whole class isn't invited- they will happily put invites in bags for the very young ones if its a younger class- and I think this is a good policy.

Is there a possibility of a mistake? Anyone you could ask?

I posted to soon and to follow on from my 12:50 post, although things were extremely difficult it didnt end with all doom and gloom. The child transferred schools and found his people. From there he had a group of friends that he socialised with and found his stride.
He has been to plenty of parties since and has had parties himself ( with ds invited!)

Could he had dropped it in the class before being let out?

Ok consultant specialist. Thanks for your input. 🙄

Oh, I really sympathise. My autistic DS went to mainstream school before later changing to special school and we got a lot of this. Before DS learned to communicate by typing he used sign language and I once heard one dad adamantly telling the teacher that he didn't want his child learning any signs to communicate with DS as "he [his child] is not one of those".

Yes, it absolutely is, when it happens on their watch.

They have no say in who invites who, but they are under no obligation whatsoever to facilitate the kids' leisure time. This is for parents to arrange.

It's awful OP, I'm so sorry that's happened to him. I hope the rest of the class include him in their parties.

DD1 is in year 2 now, there is a little boy in her class who has asd and needs 1:1 support in class. He has always come along to the whole class parties DD goes to, and we have always invited him- his mum supports him and unless it's something that really doesn't suit him (there was a swimming one he wasn't at) he seems to have a great time, and would be sadly missed like any other friend if he couldn't make it. I can't understand why someone would leave out any child if inviting them all.

I’m so sorry about this. My daughter didn’t get an invite to a whole year party that I think was accidental, 2 forms due to twins birthday, several kids with the same name etc. I didnt want to be that parent and ask but I immediately just said oh we can’t go as we are already doing xxx and it was like ok! Obviously we did the xxx so it didn’t become an issue. You have to play it right for you but don’t let it consume you as it can be really disheartening.

It’s heartbreaking isn’t it, but it’s something you’ll need to get used to. It does happen a lot I’m afraid, to most children. There are all sorts of reasons your ds may have been excluded, not associated with his nd. My DS was excluded once, I had no idea and had taken him for a session at the soft play and ended up bumping into the party. I was upset, but ds was ecstatic, he got to play with his best friend, who had been invited and he didn’t have to stop playing for the ‘stupid food’, his words. Later, I was told, the birthday boy wanted to play with my son’s best friend, so my son was excluded. He’d been upset that ny son turned up, oops! I honestly had no idea it was happening, we were only there by chance.

Before DS learned to communicate by typing he used sign language and I once heard one dad adamantly telling the teacher that he didn't want his child learning any signs to communicate with DS as "he [his child] is not one of those".

Absolutely disgusting behaviour from that dad.

Are you in a class WhatsApp group? Have people been generally welcoming?

It's hard to see your child excluded regardless of their neuro diversity or not as the case may be. Doubly so when it is so early in their school career and that exclusion has little justification.

I would focus on building some relationships with other children and be totally open and transparent with other parents and children on what he enjoys, can cope with and is utterly intolerant of. It's really helpful as a parent to understand what coping mechanisms other parents have for SEND, serious allergies, etc that will allow me to include them in as full a way as possible. AND to ensure that my children do the same

Absolutely agree. Whole class, or all the girls, or all the boys, or no more than 10 from the class.

So if the kid is reacting like this, I’d expect he wouldn’t want your son at his party.

He’s simply sensory seeking but whatever.

I think they should definitely get the chance to try. There’s a non-verbal autistic child in my child’s class. They came to DS’s party for a bit, had a little play and then Mum took them home before they got overwhelmed.

i might get in trouble for saying this but in my experience young boys are all able to be like they have neurodivergence up until about 8 years old.
(I know the thing is with ADHD is that it’s all the time and I think you didn’t the right thing getting him diagnosed so early.)

What I’m trying to say is that one bad night sleep, one overwhelm, one ‘no mc Donald’s , one removal of Lego, and honestly ALL young boys are all completely crackers and liable to lose the plot at any moment until they are older. I very much doubt it’s your son’s behaviour that caused this, because any boy of that age can act out of control and hyped up at any time.

Just to get to my point: There is no way your son would be standing out at this stage, in my opinion. There is no way another child would notice it after 2 months.

And I don’t think a parent would leave just one child out of a party either. Is there something else going on here that you left out?

You say you have heard comments but the school hasnt brought anything up.

Why dont you go into the school and speak to them.

A good few years ago a friend of my son who was 6 at the time invited a child who had challenging behaviour. Or his parents did. Sadly what happened was that this child was dropped off by parent who then left.

The child had a complete melt down, tried to attack the cake and the buffet and the parents had to try and call the parent to come and assist. Parent didnt answer the phone.

In the end my late Mum who had been a Infant school teacher took him right away from the party and sat with him. The birthday child was in floods of tears as was the parents of the child.

At the end of the party when parent came back my Mum came over with child and said gently there had been some concerns and the Mum said he sometimes behaves like this but she hoped he had enjoyed himself.

So, I am not saying at all this would happen with you but I am wondering if you can speak to some friendly parents and indicate that of course you would attend etc