My poor boy

[Sawit12]

DS is 4 and started reception in September. He has asd and adhd. At pick up yesterday I noticed that the children had party invites that they were holding (it’s only a small class so it seemed everyone had one) DS didn’t. I speak to 2 other mums that I met in September and both of their children had been invited. I looked in his book back when I got home just incase but there wasn’t an invite there😔

I understand that he isn’t your “typical child” (I don’t know how else to phrase that) but it broke my heart. The only thing that is helping is knowing that he doesn’t have a clue about it

Not the point of the thread

We went private.

Im sorry that really is shit and the parents of the child whos party it is should be ashamed of themselves for excluding one child.

I am sorry op @Sawit12

do you have a reception whats app group? I have a boy in reception too. I would just message saying it has been brought to your attention that only your boy wasn’t invited, you really hope it is misunderstanding or some false information but if its not its nasty and cruel. Let all the parents see the true colours of those parents who didnt invite ur boy

he shouldn’t have been diagnosed with ADHD at age 4, regardless of whether you went private. NICE guidelines are minimum age 6, as lots of behaviour before then are typical child behaviours.

At our local primary school, only whole class invitations are allowed to be handed out at school.

It's a shame. But does your child hit other children and/or is generally badly behaved.

It's highly unusual and counter to best practice guidelines to diagnose ADHD below the age of 6 in the uk.

I mean it’s blaring obvious with DS. We went private and got the diagnosis. If you have nothing to say about the actual point of the thread then what are you trying to gain?

If he struggles getting out of class at the same time as the other children the chances are very high he would greatly struggle in a room with a bunch of caked out youngsters running mental and screaming. That’s the reality of children’s parties - I’m a grown adult with ASD and can’t handle them myself. If it’s at a soft play or anything similar I imagine it would be a lot worse. Theres a good chance the parent hasn’t included them because it would be even crueler for your DS to get an invite then be told realistically it isn’t the best place for them.

I honestly feel for you but wonder if the 'deep down' means that at school his behaviour can be challenging?
I came on here to ask this.
There was a hold in ds class years ago that was adhd/and and we invited him to ds party. It was an absolute nightmare. It was at a child friendly venue and one parent stayed.
He went into crisis and threw the food off the table, hit the other kids ran away and was shouting at every one.
His mum kept saying he was kind deep down.
Ds asked if he could come to ours as the child didnt have many friends abd ds loked him . I gave him chance and had him for tea on a 1:1 and again it was a disaster. I won't go into reasons why but even ds who even now is tolerant and gentle said no more.

From ops perspective it is incredibly difficult watching your child be different and left out.

I’ve had nothing from the teachers about this

I don’t do parties for my kids in reception for this very reason - I don’t want to have to invite the whole class when I’m well aware there is a number of children with “challenging” behaviour who would either be left out or I’d feel like I had to invite

parents are often desensitised to their kids behaviour - you say yourself OP he is a sweet lovely boy but then go on to say his behaviour at school is being openly talked about by other children therefore clearly there is behaviour issues at school which you need to address with his teachers and find out what’s going on?

It's really shitty on the part of the parent that excluded him. I would judge them hard. Either they made the decision he couldn't come, or their child said they didn't want him to come and they didn't take it as a teaching opportunity about how xxxxx will feel if he's the only one not invited, and how some people's brains are different and you need to try a tiny bit harder to get to know them.

Sending love. I'd feel the same. I like the schools that have a policy of 'whole class invites only' if they're handed out at school, to avoid this.

Just wanted to send you a message OP, my son is also diagnosed with Autism and is the loveliest, sweetest boy, I know he can have moments where he struggles. He’s year 1 but is staying in his class as he needs some extra support.
I would also feel extremely sad for my son too, if he hadn’t been invited to a party. Whilst he may not know he hasn’t been invited, it’s heartbreaking when all the others come out with envelopes and full of excitement.

just wanted to send a message and say you aren’t alone 💜

Sending support. Mum of two ND boys. Their circles are small and parties and playdates few and far between especially in the early years of primary.
It does get better over the years. They take longer to form friendships and its harder to hold onto them but it does get better.

Does your child act out violently?
My daughter nearly had her cheek ripped off by a girl with additional needs in nursery. She still has scars in year one. Suffice to say the girl was excluded from parties.

Are you absolutely certain he hasn’t been invited and lost the invite somewhere along the way? At the 2 schools my DC have attended they only allow party invites to be handed out in school when the whole class is invited. It might be worth a chat with the teacher just in case he was supposed to have an invite but even if he wasn’t I would be asking the school to rethink their policy because it’s not nice for other kids to come waving invites when some of the class don’t have them. If parents want to do a limited group they’re totally within their rights to do that (although who the hell excludes 1 child in a class) but the invites should be done privately e.g. via WhatsApp and not in the class.

Hard for you,Op.
Use the party invitations as a prompt to make an appointment with your child's teacher. Ask them to be honest in telling you how DC behaves within his class and how his class mates react.
Does his teacher see him improving in making any friends? How best would you handle that to ensure a positive outcome?

You say "deep down", but what is he like on the surface? Does he hurt other children? Does he have big meltdowns? Does he throw things in anger or upset?

@Sawit12because if your child has a diagnosis and it’s been accepted by NHS and provided to school then the school need to be providing support and interventions, which could include social skills interventions/ support which might be helpful for him and help him to develop friendships/ emotional and behavioural regulation.

I’m sorry. It’s a tough one because if you’ve heard kids say it to their parents then they might not want to invite him incase he throws things around again and injures someone. They obviously don’t understand his condition but I wouldn’t feel safe either sorry to say.

Yes, that's tough for both of you. I teach a little boy (with SEN) who was six when i first met him. His mother collected him from school and saw that he was being kicked by other boys! She told me, with obvious pain, that he had never been invited to a party. Now he has developed and changed and at 10, is invited to parties. Why not host a little party for your little boy?

Excluding just 1 child from a party at Reception age is incredibly mean. I'm sorry, OP.

Maybe have a word with the teacher and ask if there's any policies about birthday party invites at school. Really at Reception age, at least half of the class should be invited or party invites should be handed out in the parents own time.

In the kindest way, OP, brace yourself. He’ll find people who like him and have patience for who he is. However, for the most part, it’ll be like this. You have to create alternative fun for him so he doesn’t feel left out. Also does he want to go to a party or does he have some sensory needs that might mean that’s probably the best result for him?
Of course it hurts seeing them being excluded so I see where your feelings are coming from.