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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My poor boy

217 replies

Sawit12 · 15/10/2025 11:55

DS is 4 and started reception in September. He has asd and adhd. At pick up yesterday I noticed that the children had party invites that they were holding (it’s only a small class so it seemed everyone had one) DS didn’t. I speak to 2 other mums that I met in September and both of their children had been invited. I looked in his book back when I got home just incase but there wasn’t an invite there😔

I understand that he isn’t your “typical child” (I don’t know how else to phrase that) but it broke my heart. The only thing that is helping is knowing that he doesn’t have a clue about it

OP posts:
ForNoisyCat · 15/10/2025 13:16

Sawit12 · 15/10/2025 11:55

DS is 4 and started reception in September. He has asd and adhd. At pick up yesterday I noticed that the children had party invites that they were holding (it’s only a small class so it seemed everyone had one) DS didn’t. I speak to 2 other mums that I met in September and both of their children had been invited. I looked in his book back when I got home just incase but there wasn’t an invite there😔

I understand that he isn’t your “typical child” (I don’t know how else to phrase that) but it broke my heart. The only thing that is helping is knowing that he doesn’t have a clue about it

DD was always left out of parties (she has autism) even when her ‘best friend’ had them. It’s so hurtful and carried on for years. DD is now a young adult, and Understands her difficulties. She is good at choosing her friends and has a lovely small group of them.

Tessasanderson · 15/10/2025 13:17

This is going to become more and more of an issue in the future. Its astonishing how many children are being diagnosed/self diagnosed with ADHD SEN issues. Without going into debates on that subject, these children are being forced into mainstream education that really, are ill equipped and under funded to deal with it and its the majority of the school children and teachers who pay the price.

There is a huge thread elsewhere that highlights how this can be dangerous to the other children at its most extreme.

This is just the next stage of parents protecting their children from the impact.

nosleepforme · 15/10/2025 13:18

Sawit12 · 15/10/2025 13:13

He’s simply sensory seeking but whatever.

Show quote history

my Point was less to do with your kid or their sen. More about the fact that if the birthday kid doesn’t particularly like/want to be around your son and gives their parents a bad impression of your son like you say, it makes sense that the birthday kid or the birthday parent may want to avoid inviting your son. It’s nit fair not invite a whole class save one kid, but maybe this is their angle.
or maybe it was a simple thing like someone forgot to hand it to him or he didn’t want to hold a paper right then? You can ask the teacher.

autumnevenings25 · 15/10/2025 13:20

In my experience….the teachers didn’t tell me if a ND child hurt my child. In pre school/reception they seem to hide behind the fact that formal diagnoses are not made until age 6….so chalk it up to standard 4 year old behaviour of kicking/hitting/biting …when most of us know our kids and know when it’s not….if I asked my child about an accident form that was sent they’d say “no that’s not what happened it was so and so” ….one then tried to throttle my 4 year old and targeted them and the teacher had no choice but to tell me…the finger marks were a giveaway! I wrote a formal letter requesting that they never be placed in this kids class again. Incidentally they are never at the class parties either

JJZ · 15/10/2025 13:20

RealReginaPhalange · 15/10/2025 12:25

I am sorry op @Sawit12

do you have a reception whats app group? I have a boy in reception too. I would just message saying it has been brought to your attention that only your boy wasn’t invited, you really hope it is misunderstanding or some false information but if its not its nasty and cruel. Let all the parents see the true colours of those parents who didnt invite ur boy

Oh god don’t do this!

They already know it’s not kind.

OP, I think you should speak to his teacher to see how his behaviour has been in school, especially as you’ve heard other children talking about it. It may be the child asked not to invite your son because they’ve had issues in class with him. It might help to know what’s actually going on.

MrFluffyDogIsMyBestFriend · 15/10/2025 13:21

I haven't read the full thread but OP I would be very careful about who you invite to DS's party in case they don't turn up. That would be even more upsetting and more obvious to DS.

I've got two autistic DS's (both very different) so I know what it's like.

BeeKee · 15/10/2025 13:23

Sawit12 · 15/10/2025 13:13

He’s simply sensory seeking but whatever.

Show quote history

Could his "sensory seeking" be overwhelming to other children? Could it make them worried or anxious?

I understand why you are upset, but I don't really think you are considering how your child's behaviour could be making other children not want to be around him.

Twinsmamma · 15/10/2025 13:24

Anotherdayanotherpound · 15/10/2025 12:22

I can’t fathom a parent who would exclude ONE child in a class from a party. My son had ND children in reception (still does). No way would they have been excluded. If 10/11 children have been invited that is incredibly mean IMO

exactly this!! 12 kids in a class, this is just hurtful beyond words! What is going through that parents mind to exclude ANY child out of 12. Words fail me!

3luckystars · 15/10/2025 13:24

JJZ · 15/10/2025 13:20

Oh god don’t do this!

They already know it’s not kind.

OP, I think you should speak to his teacher to see how his behaviour has been in school, especially as you’ve heard other children talking about it. It may be the child asked not to invite your son because they’ve had issues in class with him. It might help to know what’s actually going on.

Show quote history

I agree with this. I can’t see how his behaviour could be so obvious from all the other 4 year olds to the extent he is not being invited to things. Definitely speak to the school urgently about this.

Original poster
Sawit12 · 15/10/2025 13:25

BeeKee · 15/10/2025 13:23

Could his "sensory seeking" be overwhelming to other children? Could it make them worried or anxious?

I understand why you are upset, but I don't really think you are considering how your child's behaviour could be making other children not want to be around him.

Show quote history

Why is your sensory seeking in speech marks? Sorry that I put my son first. Piss off

OP posts:
TJk86 · 15/10/2025 13:26

Imisscoffee2021 · 15/10/2025 12:20

That's heart breaking, parenthood really opens your heart to these things and I dread this element of school life for my two year old. It really should be only full class gets invites or the oarwnts can invite the parents of kids they want to invite privately.

I know in the real world this sort of thing is part and parcel of being in the world, but schools should aim to be something more of a utopia especially in reception. Invite all or noone. Is there a chance it'd a mistake and he's misplaced the invite?

As sad as situations like these are, I believe children/parents should be able to choose who they want to invite. What if there’s a bully in a class, should the child be forced to invite them too? Not to mention the cost of inviting the whole class.

Tessasanderson · 15/10/2025 13:27

JJZ · 15/10/2025 13:20

Oh god don’t do this!

They already know it’s not kind.

OP, I think you should speak to his teacher to see how his behaviour has been in school, especially as you’ve heard other children talking about it. It may be the child asked not to invite your son because they’ve had issues in class with him. It might help to know what’s actually going on.

Show quote history

And if all the parents give supporting messages to the party organiser parents......what then?

BeeKee · 15/10/2025 13:27

Sawit12 · 15/10/2025 13:25

Why is your sensory seeking in speech marks? Sorry that I put my son first. Piss off

Show quote history

Because I was quoting you.

You can tell me to "piss off" all you like but it won't get your child an invite to a party.

I think you are well aware of how your child's behaviour is perceived, but you don't really seem to care.

Tessasanderson · 15/10/2025 13:28

Sorry i quoted the wrong post. It was supposed to be the one you were responding to

MrFluffyDogIsMyBestFriend · 15/10/2025 13:29

TJk86 · 15/10/2025 13:26

As sad as situations like these are, I believe children/parents should be able to choose who they want to invite. What if there’s a bully in a class, should the child be forced to invite them too? Not to mention the cost of inviting the whole class.

Show quote history

But he's not a bully. There's never an excuse for leaving out one child. I'd just have a smaller party rather than do that. But then I'm autistic so I'd be a bit more empathetic.

3luckystars · 15/10/2025 13:30

Honestly my children were about aged 10 before they even realised that other children had additional needs or any noticeable differences.

One time I asked my daughter at that age what someone looked like and she said ‘she wears the same clothes as me, and has eyebrows’

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/10/2025 13:31

I'd speak to the school OP. Deliberately leaving just one person our, in front of them, is bullying behaviour. If he saw or could have seen the invites going out then that's bullying happening on school premises and the school need to be made aware and put in place something to stop it happening again (eg remind parents not to send out invitations on school premises unless it's to the whole class).

This is assuming that he is being left out because he is different. If he has been violent ot aggressive to other children then it may not be bullying if they're just trying to ensure their children keep safe

Sawit12 · 15/10/2025 13:31

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Tessasanderson · 15/10/2025 13:31

MrFluffyDogIsMyBestFriend · 15/10/2025 13:29

But he's not a bully. There's never an excuse for leaving out one child. I'd just have a smaller party rather than do that. But then I'm autistic so I'd be a bit more empathetic.

Show quote history

Of course there is. In life, if i dont like someone i dont have anything to do with them. Its not beyond a 4 year old who has had bad interactions with the OP's son to say to their parents "I dont want such and such invited".

That is a simple fact of life

Cherry8809 · 15/10/2025 13:33

FancyCatSlave · 15/10/2025 12:45

The parents should be ashamed.

We have a very small class of 10 (EYFS and Y1 combined) and invite everyone including an asd child who I know won’t come, but we always include him in the invites. We also include some traveller children who also won’t mix socially (not saying that applies everywhere before anyone jumps down my throat, but these particular families don’t) but I’d never exclude them either.

It’s fine in a class of 30 to invite 15 or just the girls/boys or whatever. But it is absolutely out of order to exclude 1 child completely. In fact our school wouldn’t hand out the invites in that scenario as it’s really just bullying tactics.

But surely the child whose birthday it is should be allowed autonomy of choice over who they want (and more importantly) don’t want to attend their party?

I understand it must feel horrible for the child who’s left out, but if either of my kids had said to me adamantly that they didn’t want X there, I wouldn’t force them.

OP; It’s all well and good saying that he’s a lovely boy “deep down” (and I’m sure he is!), but you’ve identified that his behaviour can be challenging. If it’s already reached the stage that other classmates are pointing him out to their parents, I’m not surprised that they don’t want to risk the potential disruption or having the party ruined.

I would use this opportunity to approach the teacher and have an open and honest conversation about how he’s getting on in class, what his peer relationships are like etc.

Icreatedausernameyippee · 15/10/2025 13:33

You definitely need to speak to the school and see if there have been any incidents or if the other children have said anything.
I'd be concerned that his school experience in general isn't all roses, if this is intentional and not just a mistake.

Original poster
Sawit12 · 15/10/2025 13:33

It would be interesting to see if the so called parents who view my child as a bully actually educate their children🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
JJZ · 15/10/2025 13:33

notacooldad · 15/10/2025 12:51

There was a hold in ds class years ago that was adhd/and and we invited him to ds party
Sorry my post at 12.31. I meant child, hopefully obviously!

This kind of thing really upsets me. I don't understand the parent who makes the decision to exclude one out of a class of 13 reception age kids - for soft play ffs!!
Neither did I until I witnessed what happened at ds party. The child ripped ds' presents open and damaged some. Food was thrown from other children's plates, he screamed at children because they wouldn't follow his orders, a child got hurt when he kicked them. Mum tried her best but it was awful. He went into crisis when Happy birthday was sung to ds.
Ds was really upset and said it didnt matter and that (name's) brain works different but I could tell he was gutted his presents were ripped and the party was ruined.
As I said previously I put it down to him being over stimulated and had him over on a 1:1 on a quieter basis and although no one got hurt, it didnt end well and mum said the same as before,he's good kind kid deep down.

Edited

The mum should have removed him from the party as soon as he started being disruptive.

BeeKee · 15/10/2025 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

All I am saying, and have said throughout this thread, is that I think you need to be more honest with yourself on how your child may be acting in class.

You are understandably upset he has been excluded. You are not considering that the reason he may have been excluded is because other children are worried about his behaviour. (As you have heard from other children).

saraclara · 15/10/2025 13:35

It's awful to discover that your child has been left out. But you really do have to acknowledge that other four year olds don't have the ability and awareness to understand that your boy is lovely 'deep down'.

I don't like whole class parties in general because a) no small child should have to invite any child/ren who hurts them/bullies them/whose behaviour they can't manage, on their birthday and b) no small child should have to be the only one left out.

At this stage I agree that carefully managed play dates are the way to go, so that the other children get to know your son on an individual basis, so that they see who he is and become comfortable around his behaviours. Once they see him that way, they will become more accepting, hopefully, and the invitations will start to arrive.