My poor boy

[Sawit12]

DS is 4 and started reception in September. He has asd and adhd. At pick up yesterday I noticed that the children had party invites that they were holding (it’s only a small class so it seemed everyone had one) DS didn’t. I speak to 2 other mums that I met in September and both of their children had been invited. I looked in his book back when I got home just incase but there wasn’t an invite there😔

I understand that he isn’t your “typical child” (I don’t know how else to phrase that) but it broke my heart. The only thing that is helping is knowing that he doesn’t have a clue about it

You can defend your son without calling women cows, children wet arses and betting no one would say it to your face.
You're coming across like the kind of parent who would scrap outside the school gates because your son Jayden and your daughter Jayla told you someone's kid gave them a dirty look.

As I said, some of us have more empathy and would go out of our way to prevent someone (especially a 4 year old child!) feeling excluded and upset. I'm not saying that they have to be invited but that some sensitivity should be employed.

I always have and will be in my children’s corner, and their biggest ally.

But i am also aware that they’re rarely the little angels we perceive them to be, and if another parent had genuine concerns about my child’s behaviour, I’d want to hear them out instead of getting defensive

Karma ha!

If your son is exhibiting behaviour that is upsetting, annoying, or crosses the boundaries of the other children then they have every right not to invite him to their own private birthday party. It doesn’t matter what the reason for that behaviour is.

An important lesson here is- no one is entitled to an invite.

This invite situation is really bad form, if it’s not a whole class party, you invite the kids privately. We’ve done whole class parties where I know naughty or aggressive children will be invited (ND or not) and you just keep a close eye on them and keep intervening.

The balanced view though is that if your son has upset the birthday child, and they don’t like him or want him at their party, that’s also a difficult choice for the parents.

The school will not tell other parents what any diagnosis of your child is, they will have no idea and can only go on what their own 4yr old is telling them.

Teacher here and I honestly hate when this happens. I have often been handed a pile of invites to hand out… I will only put them in trays - so as not to make it obvious to anyone not invited. I just wish that parents would stop this - teachers are not there for party admin FFS. It does make me so sad when parties are spoken about and some children realise they were not invited. It also makes me sad when some children have no one attend their party because everyone was busy that weekend…

I think they mean the language you are using. You are being aggressive and very defensive.

If my son’s behaviour was as bad as some of you are claiming, then I’m sure the teacher would have pulled me up or even some parents. Maybe teach your child to not be such we arses. Some of you are pissing me off with your faux advice

I think you think you’ve made a great argument but all you’ve done is make me cringe. You’re quite clearly looking for an argument with a parent who’s feeling shitty so go ahead if it makes you feel better

Of course I’m going to be defensive

OP is upset. Her son isn’t - he’s unaware and doesn’t feel excluded.

To you it’s obvious and maybe even to other adults, in my experience other children don’t really notice it at all until much older.

if this little boy is only in school for 7 weeks so far, and it’s already so noticeable to all the other 4 year olds, to the extent that he is being singled out as the only one not invited, then she definitely reds to talk to the school urgently.

What behaviour is it specifically that is sensory seeking but you feel might be upsetting to others in his class?

If it's at a playcentre, the venue probably make you pay for a minimum number, say 10. The parents will have said 'name 9 kids you want to invite' and written down the first 9 names. They could be charged up to £25 per extra child after that so will want to keep numbers down. If the birthday kid went to nursery with a load of other classmates but not your kid they would have mentioned these kids first. This could be why.

“He’s simply sensory seeking but whatever”

Ok but you heard another kid saying he jumps and throws things. Throwing things may be for sensory reasons but obviously it could hurt someone or at least be scary for other kids. So it’s unfortunately not the same as a sensory seeking kid who just chews his sleeves or fidgets.

I do think you need to find out more about his behaviour in school, so you can help him find alternative sensory outlets that aren’t going to get him in trouble or put off other kids.

I am not saying his behaviour justifies being left out of the party by the way, that’s a separate issue, this is about how you and school help him going forward.

Why though? I don’t understand your aggressive responses at all. Your son isn’t upset - he has no idea he hasn’t been invited to anything. This seems to be entirely about you, not him.

I’m sorry…what?

I just realised 😂

Oh leave her alone. We all hurt when we see our children marginalised. It's perfectly normal. Far more normal really than wanting to kick someone when they are hurting.

From the other parents point of view - they may hear from their child that yours throws or hits for example and the parents may not know he has sensory needs and issues. Naturally they will want to protect their child. If their child doesn't want him at their party that's their choice.

But the parent who chose to leave out one child doesn't know that. And they surely knew the OP was aware and would be upset.

Just to add, my daughter started a new school at the start of year (Y1). We went to the farm for her sisters birthday a week ago and bumped into her class who were attending a party.
I didn't come on the internet kicking off at other posters about it.
To further add, my daughter very likely has ADHD and has issues with boundaries and sensory seeking.

Maybe you should stop being a wet arse 🤷‍♀️

Some children will touch or hit other children and it’s also “sensory seeking” behaviour - some children even touch themselves inappropriately as a sensory sooth. This is why every child needs to learn appropriate sensory seeking.

A need for sensory relief doesn’t give anyone Carte Blanche to do as they please.

If 11 kids are well-behaved friendly children who get on well, and one child is heavily disruptive, throws things, can’t play appropriately, possibly hurts the other children (intentionally or unintentionally), why would any of the 11 kids want him at their birthday party? Should they simply have to accept that they can’t have whole class parties minus one, and are limited to gatherings of five or six in perpetuity?

Are you sure he is the only one excluded, play centres are expensive.
Speak to the teacher.
DC shouldn't be handing out invites in school unless the whole class is invited.