My poor boy

[Sawit12]

DS is 4 and started reception in September. He has asd and adhd. At pick up yesterday I noticed that the children had party invites that they were holding (it’s only a small class so it seemed everyone had one) DS didn’t. I speak to 2 other mums that I met in September and both of their children had been invited. I looked in his book back when I got home just incase but there wasn’t an invite there😔

I understand that he isn’t your “typical child” (I don’t know how else to phrase that) but it broke my heart. The only thing that is helping is knowing that he doesn’t have a clue about it

Have you considered that you're the problem? Maybe if you're coming across this way at school then parents have decided they don't want you at the party.

Yrs ago a child requested a whole class party instead of a present. This child had Aspergers, so I wonder if he'd been left out before, and so was more empathetic because of it.

YANBU at all, I feel for your boy, he’s only tiny and it’s just awful to see any child excluded like this. With twelve kids in the class - and them having just started reception - I think it’s totally wrong of this mum to hand out invites at school to a party where not everyone is invited. Not the done thing at all ant my kids school where everyone either does whole class parties or invites a small group - my DD prefers small parties so I just invite their friends by messaging the parents over WhatsApp - handing out invites like this to only a few of the kids just feels unkind. I agree with PP that I’m surprised the school aren’t communicating with you more about behaviour and social challenges, or that a teacher would get involved in this invitation nonsense. They should be doing better.

This is awful, your poor son. Those parents should be ashamed - in reception it should be a class party or one or two others.

I would assume there's been a mistake and speak to their mum. I refuse to believe anyone is this cruel to a 4 year old

Why not take him for a nice day out instead?

Sorry to hear that. Unfortunately there's not much you can do about it though. I would just make a fuss of him on the day of the party and take him somewhere fun he would like. My son has suspected autism but is only 2 years old, I fear we have this to come as well one day.

All the best to you and your boy.

The mum should have removed him from the party as soon as he started being disruptive.
I agree and to be fair she tried but it became chaotic and quite distressing.

It took time but as ive said in a later post he found his gang through a special needs school and everything changed for the better for him

Empathy.

One of my DS's who is autistic and ADHD also had very few birthday invites (and oh how he loved a party ). When it was his birthday he always wanted a big party like his older siblings had.

It really stings. And there's nothing you can do. It gets easier as parties decrease in size as the children progress through school.

Do find the children who like your child, invite them to tea/play. Grow those relationships.

I wondered the same.

If OP is as abrasive as she’s been to some posters, it’s hardly surprising that another parent wouldn’t want to “pull her up” on her sons behaviour

Elaborate

YANBU My son with ASD is an adult now. I still get upset thinking about those early years of school. The parties he didn't get invited to, the school events he wasn't included in. It's easy for others to talk about costs and logistics, but until you've consistently been the parent of the left out child, you'll never know the pain. It kind of ties in with the post about what parents spend DLA on. I took my boy on so many days out to theme parks etc, to make up for the fact he never got invites. Never had a sleepover or got invited to play at friends houses. The day of the party, take him somewhere fun and give him a lovely day.

Of course he is op. This is a reflection of those children (well actually their parents) and NOT your ds.

Most reception parties invite everybody, because, while it is true they will eventually have to get used to it, this is a very early age to be expected to - especially with such a small class.

I'm really sorry: it sounds like the mum is a bit shitty tbh. Maybe the other parents will have a bit more kindness and conscience.

Just choose something lovely to do that day and make sure he goes to bed having had a special day. When push comes to shove, he has a loving mummy and that's what every little child most needs.

I completely understand and remember the heartbreak well.

This happens so often and my ds (asd) was so often excluded or kids didn't rsvp or rsvpd but didn't show.

My son genuinely wasn't challenging in his behaviour he just wasn't one of the cool kids.

My own strategy was to identify mums who either had kids who had struggles too or would at least be polite enough to follow through on responses.

I would hire a bouncy castle and had parties in my garden and invited the whole class so it wasn't especially evident if people didn't show up.

I made sure to invite some sympathetic older children who were children of my friends so I could guarantee some attendees.

I personally think mainstream can be a curse and am very glad I sent him to a SpLd secondary school.

That’s really mean. School should pick up on it. I’d understand if there were 10 people invited and 10 that weren’t but to invite everybody and not 1-3. That’s unfair. See if you can speak to the class teacher and talk to her about it. Maybe they can talk to parents to empathise and think before they invite people/isolate people. There needs to be a change.

🤷🏻‍♀️ I’ll defend my son no matter what. Sorry if you wouldn’t do the same

All you can do is take comfort from the fact that lots of us have been there too and we all know how fecking miserable it feels. We had this when dd started reception - no rhyme or reason why and she absolutely knew. It was heartbreaking - but on the bright side as long as you are pragmatic and sensible they get used to it & learn to ignore.

I’d agree with you here, my little boy had an incident in his second week of reception and the teacher pulled me up on it that same day, it’s their responsibility to! Ignore the comments even trying to justify your little boy being excluded, it’s obviously not as rare as we’d like to think that people who lack total empathy really do exist, more often than we’d like to imagine! So what if you’re boy is a little different, absolutely NO excuse for not inviting him in such a small class, I’m honestly lost for words!

Given that you have overheard other parents and children talking about you son in a potentially negative way and now he hasn’t been invited to the class party, I would make an appointment with the school to discuss how to support your son. Find out if there are any behavioural issues with the other children which mean that he wouldn’t be invited to a party? Find out if he has a friend in the class that you could arrange a play date with on a one to one basis to establish a friendship? Ask for their help or advice on how to move forward and develop his social skills? You might find that there is a big personality clash with the birthday child and that it is just that? But I would definitely speak to the teacher - not to aggressively demand an invitation to the party or to demand that all children are invited in the future, but to work out a positive way forward for you ds.

I don't think your reception aged 4 year old is a bully at all!! I think he is a 4 year old child who has ADHD and ASD who is probably overwhelmed at school.

That unfortunately, doesn't stop other children being worried or anxious and mentioning these things at home to their parents.

You only want the best for your child BUT they also only want the best for their child.

Great advice! X

My boy is three years old. It is already obvious that he isn't quite the same as the other boys as he has quirks and limited speech. It is fairly obvious in a boy if there is ND.

If it is leading to excluding just 1 child, it absolutely is. It's also happening within the building so of course they can. Parents can invite who they want but school aren't required to facilitate it, especially if it is excluding 1 child.

I don't think she has been as abrasive as some posters. She came to share her understandable sadness and people look to stick the boot in.

OP - of course you put your son first. That is your job as his parent.

But perhaps the parents of the birthday girl or boy simply feel that they are doing the same? It’s not great for their kids to have a disruptive child in their class, being loud and ‘throwing things’, and clearly they don’t want their darling child’s party similarly disrupted.

I remember this when my own boy was at school, the whole class was invited but not him. It hurts and it hurts a lot and it will happen a few times going forward, at first he didn't notice and when he did I would tell him , he couldn't go as we were doing other things, I took him to things he enjoyed so he didn't feel like he missed out. Only once did I have a parent approach me and and say not inviting as he has ASD, ( she was known for being nasty) I just said oh good! I wouldn't want to have to go to your house! She walked off not amused. My own sons party I invited the whole class, but I went big and over the top,he remembers his birthday parties as being brilliant and didn't care about anyone else's parties