My poor boy

[Sawit12]

DS is 4 and started reception in September. He has asd and adhd. At pick up yesterday I noticed that the children had party invites that they were holding (it’s only a small class so it seemed everyone had one) DS didn’t. I speak to 2 other mums that I met in September and both of their children had been invited. I looked in his book back when I got home just incase but there wasn’t an invite there😔

I understand that he isn’t your “typical child” (I don’t know how else to phrase that) but it broke my heart. The only thing that is helping is knowing that he doesn’t have a clue about it

When mine was in year R, there was a boy in her class with autism. They all knew he was different; my daughter would talk about him to me. He was however invited to all the birthday parties. He left before the school before the end of year R, and my daughter still talks about him now (she’s in year 5!).

He was never excluded, not by the children anyway.

If my son’s behaviour was as bad as some of you are claiming, then I’m sure the teacher would have pulled me up or even some parents. Maybe teach your child to not be such we arses. Some of you are pissing me off with your faux advice

Jeez if you don’t want advice don’t post here!

My DC was “that child” for a bit. It does your child absolutely no favours for you to stick your head in the sand and pretend he isn’t causing any issues and it’s just all these other kids being mean and leaving yours out for no reason. You have to be willing to find out what has been happening at school.

Maybe you’re right and there’s no real behaviour issues. Or maybe you have a teacher who isn’t very good at proactively having this kind of difficult conversation with a parent - but will tell you if you ask them.

This is not faux advice. It’s real genuine advice borne from being in a similar position and knowing that open discussions with school really helped - even if it was pretty awful at times getting the behaviour reports.

In fairness some of those posts merited an 'abrasive' response.

That said, AIBU is notoriously brutal and SEN issues in particular are less than likely to meet with the remotest sensitivity or empathy here. OP, I'd post for help in the SEN sections of this site in future if I were you, and/or ask for this thread to be moved.

The other children are probably frightened.
Throw a big Christmas party in a play centre, up his popularity.

My youngest DS was a very sweet little boy...no behaviour issues at all. He had one friend and his mother went out of her way to prevent their friendship.

Let's just say that OP's defensiveness is nothing compared to mine and I don't regret the cutting text I sent her. Autistics are lovely until we're slighted and then hell hath no fury. Bluntness and honesty can be wonderful things.

Also, shame on that child's mum for not including the whole class of 12 people, regardless of your DS behaviour!

You seriously think that a child should have to invite someone regardless of their behaviour? Even if that child terrifies the birthday child?! You would put their feelings before your own 5yo’s?

I didn’t invite the boy who had a meltdowns, hit the teacher, threw chairs and art supplies to my daughter’s reception party, she didn’t like him or want him there and neither did I if that’s how he behaves.

Yup good call.

I would start by checking in with the teacher to see if maybe there is an invite your son forgot to bring from his tray as it’s possibly as simple as that.

If not check in with how he is managing in class, mention what you have heard from other kids and see if there have been issues and if so what the school is doing to address them.

Sometimes kids can do unpleasant things and that might result in the perception from other parents they have been bullying or intimidated their children. Those other parents will feel equally as protective of their children as you are of your son. That is really hard and I do think missing out one child from a class party isn’t a good way to deal with it. It is however understandable that the instinct is to not include someone you perceive as having being unkind to your child.

I know our friend’s little boy who has ADHD is rarely invited to anything and it’s so so hard but equally having hosted for play dates I can absolutely appreciate why many the other kids struggle sometimes with his behaviour. He can be extremely aggressive about perceived unfairness, he is super pushy about what they should play and how and he can be incredibly blunt to the point of being quite rude and upsetting (even if it’s not his intention).

Realistically you are a bit unreasonable to expect that other parents consider your child’s needs and help their kids navigate relationships with them if you are not ready to consider how your own child’s behaviour is impacting them and work with school for a plan to mitigate it.

Exactly. My DD put up with a boy like this through her entire senior school. Her class mates were all included. Never a single class went by without a child being hit or a disruption.

He used to push and hit anyone in his way. Until my daughter, after he pushed her, grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the dining hall. He didnt know but she had been training and lifting weights from the age of 8. All the children and the teachers witnessed it. Nothing was said and we think it was because the teachers had finally witnessed the child get some comeuppance for his behaviour.

Funnily enough, regardless of who he hit or bullied from then on, he never went near my DD>

A) Parties are just the mum’s responsibility? I think you need to check your internalised misogyny.

B) ‘Regardless of behaviour’? Really? So you would force your dd to invite a child who had been violent or aggressive towards her to her birthday party? I find that style of parenting shameful, not a parent simply trying to protect their child.

I have heard comments from year one boys last year which pissed me off. Luckily that stopped.

I agree that it would be fairly obvious around the age of 3-4. My child is approaching 3 and she talks about two children from nursery and says they don’t want to play with her and that they don’t know I’m how to play so she has obviously noticed differences. I also think the nursery workers have spoken to the children and explained the situation in an empathetic way and that the children are included.

OP I think you’ve actually had some good advice here regarding approaching the school to discuss his behaviour because while it may well be sensory seeking, if that takes the form of him being rough with other children or upsetting them, his needs don’t trump theirs. They are all equal.

Schools also won’t tell other parents about other people’s children, so whilst he has a diagnosis and that’s known to you, the other parents may just see or hear about ‘naughty behaviour’ without knowing the history.

In my experience SEN in itself isn’t a reason that people exclude, it’s unfortunately the behaviours that go with it that cause the issue.

If a child regularly upsets or hurts my child, I will exclude them too. Clearly I’m a terrible human being but it’s my DC’s birthday, why should they have someone there they don’t like? Or could disrupt the party?

My final point, is that again, in my experience most parents are quite forgiving of children with SEN and the challenging behaviours that come with it, when they can see the parents are engaged and trying. Your attitude from this thread makes me think you’re more the ‘he’s got SEN’ shoulder shrug parent about the whole thing.

Hurts other children? I don’t believe the mum has stated this once, so this is a presumption to give your view justification. Yes, I’d expect him to be invited, he’s 4 for crying out loud! Youre suggesting ONE child can be left out? I’m speechless. God help the kids in class with your children if they appear a little differently and you’re not teaching your children to be KIND! Have you considered the impact to children being excluded has on them?

I think that this can be a curse of whole class parties.

I get why parents do it especially if their child hasn't been at school long.

Ideally he would have been invited & the parent(s) could have spoken about any concerns & been reassured that you would stay.

Perhaps they didn't feel able to do this?

Or felt that their child should have who they want at their party?

So you would teach your small female child that she has no right to set boundaries with people who she finds intimidating, or at whose hands she has experienced violence? The misogyny runs deep with you…

Sounds like your son has become known. Ask his teacher(s) if there have been any incidents or if there is some specific reason for other parents apparently not liking him. Perhaps you can help him and his teachers to smooth his transition to school. You cannot do much about the parents.

I have seen this happen when the boy in question (who was later diagnosed with autism and ADHD at a later date), kept hitting the birthday girl. I believe he was trying to make friends and was just very bad at it. However, the experience for the little girl was just awful so you really couldn’t expect her to have him at her party.

While your son obviously is deserving of support and understanding, so is every other child in that class. They are all young, they are all vulnerable and fragile, they are all just trying to get the hang of school life. I understand it’s very sad for your son, but you have to consider the impact his behaviour has on his classmates. As adults we can can make allowances, but you can’t expect young children to do the same. They may find him overwhelming, or even be scared of him.

If his condition is severe enough for him to be diagnosed already you need to be looking at specialist schools. And you need to be doing it now because you’re likely to have a massive battle lasting several years to get him the support he needs.

Op so you heard two kids make comments about your child? So it’s clear that alot more is happening at school than you are aware. The teacher is probably not giving you feedback because she knows this is due to his SN BUT you cannot expect a 4yo to be ok with anything just because the adults are. And unfortunately word does get around among the parents.

The only thing is speak to the teacher to make you aware what exactly is happening. If he is jumping and throwing things then you need to address that. And ask that invites are placed in the school bag and not handed out in front of everyone.

Why would anyone come? If they are not inviting him, I highly doubt anyone would come and would be more awful for the child.

This is true, but then it should be private invites not handed out visibly in class. Especially at 4 years old.

Intimidation and violence? Slight knee jerk reaction to a post about a child with ADHD, you must have been wrapped in cotton wool as a child. I choose to NOT do that to my children, in my experience it sets people up to have a lack of empathy and awareness, of the fact not everyone is the same, and that’s absolutely OK.

Where is the empathy for the children who are potentially being upset? He may not be the only SEN child in the class. What if there’s another child with autism who can’t cope with sudden loud noises or being touched randomly? Any empathy for them? It’s always the loud SEN children (and adults) who demand understanding and empathy. The quiet SEN ones get told to suck it up.

OP has observed that the other children are clearly scared of her son (saying ‘oh no, there’s X’) ans have complained that he throws things. As a small child - really at any age - someone aggressively throwing things near you can be very scary, even if they’re not directly targeting you.

Oh this thread took an aggressive turn unnecessarily