Autistic child attacking DD part 2

[HollandAndCooper]

Original thread here:
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5420774-autistic-child-attacking-dd?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

Hi Everyone,

me back again looking for advice, perhaps some last minute advice as I have a meeting scheduled with the head teacher this morning.

DD aged 4 has been very unwell and spent a week off school. She is really going through it at the moment. She returned to school yesterday after her time off, and I'd hoped that the boy in question would've got bored and moved on. I did have a meeting booked last week but couldn't go due to DD being poorly.

well.. it turns out he hasn't got bored and moved on. It's a very small school with 20-25 per class, one class per year from reception to year 2.

the event that happened yesterday, by DDs account.
it was play time and DD was playing with a couple other girls in the play ground. Child in question was calling DD names like 'baby' and 'you need nappies' and announced he was going to the toilet.
he came back out and proceeded to have faeces on his finger to which he wiped on her cardigan.

a staff member took her to the quiet room, swapped her cardigan for one in lost property and the cardigan was handed to me in a bag on pick up. With still an evident stain on it.

i have a meeting this morning.

I have a copy of the safe guarding policy, anti bullying policy. I just need some wise words from MN now with what I need to say but I'm going down the route of failing to keep my child safe, and this is a huge safeguarding issue, not to mention a biohazard issue.
please be kind, I'm a single parent doing my best, and she won't be returning until she is safe.

so far the child has:
kicked, punched, pinched, clouted her on the head with a metal water bottle, name called and taunted. And now this.

she will not be going back to the school until this is sorted and there are proper sanctions in place. I am so angry and utterly heartbroken for her. She has been so poorly last week and in and out of hospital and I cannot see her broken like this anymore.

i appreciate the old thread is 1000 posts but there's more information on there if needed.
My AIBU is I guess to want this child excluded and put as far away from DD as possible. But I know it's not that simple. I'm at a total loss and they are failing to safe guard my child. She will not be returning until she can be safe, I'm also looking at other provisions for her now.
thanks in advance.

Arghhhh didn't mean to see voting again, I don't know how to take it off!!

I'm so sorry this is happening to your daughter. I'm a teacher myself. Most important thing is to stay calm and be factual which you sound like you are. I know from writing up incidents, the facts are what pack a punch. Emotion although I can understand why you'd be upset can muddle things. You sound really prepared though. I hope your little girl feels better soon xxx

Thank you @Ella31its so hard when emotions come into play. I've pretty much bullet pointed all accounted incidences. The bottom line is I just need to know they are going to keep my child safe, as her coming home with pinch marks and bruises and now faeces in her clothes is heartbreaking. She's a sensitive little girl. It's breaking my heart.

ive made the school aware she is off with me, I've got some lovely plans for her this week to try and make her feel better. I never thought bullying would be this extreme in reception aged children 😔

Good lord, sounds absolutely deeadful.
So premeditated with the poo.
They may try and fob you off, don't be moved on.
Follow up the meeting with an email with every incident noted.
Have you thought of contacting SS's?

Become the greatest PITA, with everything documented.
Good luck.

I hope the school can reassure you they'll protect your dd. This can't go on. She's not safe

Your poor little girl. Best of luck with the meeting.
I know you probably know this already but the line "my child is being bullied, she needs to be safeguarded in school" worked for me when my DD was being bullied. It was like actually using the word "bullied" made them swing into action.
Good luck.

Don't worry, I can't see many people thinking you are unreasonable, unless they are someone who wouldn't be bothered about their own child being assaulted and having shit smeared on them.

He needs to be asked to leave. If that can’t happen, it’s appalling.

Just keep bringing it around to what they are doing to keep your daughter safe. Don't accept anything vague or anything that curtains her freedom or school experience.

I'd have some stock phrases like "How are you going to guarantee this boy can't get close enough to hurt her?" and "that isn't relevant to the question of how you will keep her safe.

Stay calm and very persistent and don't let them fob you off.

I agree, but I got flamed for that on my last thread.

if it means keeping my daughter and other children safe from punches and lumps and having poo smeared on them so be it! But I don't think it'll be that simple 😞

Good luck with it today, I've been so sorry for your daughter and you having to go through all this.

I wouldn't get into an argument about exclusion, either at school or on here (not saying you are wrong!!)

I would just be very clear that what has repeatedly happened is unacceptable and keep asking for a concrete plan of how they are going to keep this boy away from your DD and safeguard her against bullying and assault from him.

I can't imagine these people are really putting themselves in yours/your daughters shoes, my youngest is in year 1 and if someone smeared shit on her purposely after already attacking her several times I'd be absolutely furious and I'd be refusing to send her back until he was gone. Absolutely disgusting behaviour and this sort of thing could have a long term effect on your daughter if it's allowed to continue.

The boy needs to be moved , he clearly can’t be trusted around other kids without constant one to one supervision, I would not be sending my child back until he is either moved or has a one to one permanently, how awful for you daughter, hope she’s ok.

I’d explain to the headteacher that I’d be making a formal complaint against the school and its inability to abide by its own safeguarding rules. I would want the child who is instigating the attacks removed immediately, I don’t particularly care if they are autistic or not. Sadly there is a SEN crisis that schools across the country are ill equipped to deal with, but that doesn’t mean that your child should take the brunt of it. Also I’d insist that the autistic child’s parent bought you a new school jumper, and offer them the poo smeared one.

Moved where?

Hey OP not sure if I may have missed this but have you tried contacting the school board at all? No idea if it would help but might be worth bringing this to their attention.

I’m so sorry this is happening to your daughter, my child is likely autistic and I would be absolutely horrified if they were doing this!

The parents of the other child should be made to buy your daughter a new jumper!

The school sounds shocking.

If the little boy has a disability and learning difficulties and is going round acting like this why on earth is he not being properly supervised?? They are repeatedly enabling him to do this.

I agree it sounds like he needs to be elsewhere, probably a specialist setting, but I imagine that’s a long and lengthy process. Until then they need to make sure it doesn’t happen to your poor DD.

Good luck OP for the meeting this morning.

I would certainly involve the school governors.

I’ve been where you are. My advice is

1. Don’t engage with the other child’s issues at all. Don’t say he should be excluded. Also … don’t allow them to deflect your concerns by raising his additional needs. This is all irrelevant. He can be at the school and in the class IF the school keeps all other children safe.
2. Focus hard on safeguarding and the schools failure to keep your extremely young vulnerable child safe.
3. Raise the fact her experiences might have long lasting impact on her education and desire to attend school. These are critical years. I.e. these experiences can create additional needs in a child.
4. Incredibly - we were advised to report our violence to the police (Scotland). This is to trigger awareness in the council of a serious incident. I know it sounds insane. I’d advise the school if even one single incident ever happened again I’d be going to the police. Don’t allow them to mask their safeguarding incompetence behind the fact these are children. Ultimately, adults need to keep kids safe and if they don’t you need to force them to do so by going elsewhere.
5. Make a formal complaint to council (or whoever relevant in England) about inadequate safeguarding.
6. Put EVERYTHING in writing.

We eventually forced our school to step up safeguarding by doing all of the above as a group of parents. But I regret not going in fierce and hard much earlier because it would have spared two teachers being violently assaulted, one left the school, and a string kids being badly hurt.

Good luck. Don’t ever feel worried about being assertive over your child’s right to safety.

(Edit for typo).

School governor here - although secondary.

Look up the school complaint policy. Today's meeting will give you enough to satisfy stage 1 in all likelihood. But make sure that you let the head know you intend to follow it through as a complaint. You will need to out this in writing to the appropriate person listed on the policy. Make sure you reference bullying, keeping your child safe, the biohazard - and the fact that they sent another childs faeces home to you is appalling! To be clear don't ask for consequences etc for the other child - they are not your concern. Keeping your child safe and happy in school is what you want- and no that does not include isolating her or limiting her options (such as keeping her in at lunchtime) your child has done nothing wrong and therefore deserves to benefit from all school has to offer every other child in her class.

Be clear in what you want as a result of the complaint - I'd suggest that the offending child has no unsupervised contact with your child - and any necessary contact is with direct supervision - eg both sat at a table in a classroom with an adult also at the table, not both out on the playground with 100 kids and one dinner supervisor.

They will then need to give you a written response.

You can then take it to governors and if need be onto ofsted. Tbh though if you need to go as far as governors i'd be removing her from school as things are not going to change.

And to see things from the other perspective - the school will be trying to get this child an alternative placement if it is SEND and not just naughty. It is highly unlikely they will be able to quickly exclude - as impact of SEND has to be taken into account. But the records of these incidents and the impacts on your child WILL help the school in their statement that they are not the right placement for him. I say that because there is often guilt served to people protecting their child from SEND kids so things go unreported- that does not help the SEND child or your own.

Ask what measures they are going to put in place to keep your child safe and ask for them in writing.

Take notes during the meeting and follow up with a letter to the Head Teacher stating what was discussed and what safety measures they are going to implement.

Don't agree to anything which will put your child at a disadvantage.

In the letter state if you are not happy with the outcome you will be writing to the Board of Governors.

Good Luck, let us know how it goes.