Autistic child attacking DD part 2

[HollandAndCooper]

Original thread here:
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5420774-autistic-child-attacking-dd?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

Hi Everyone,

me back again looking for advice, perhaps some last minute advice as I have a meeting scheduled with the head teacher this morning.

DD aged 4 has been very unwell and spent a week off school. She is really going through it at the moment. She returned to school yesterday after her time off, and I'd hoped that the boy in question would've got bored and moved on. I did have a meeting booked last week but couldn't go due to DD being poorly.

well.. it turns out he hasn't got bored and moved on. It's a very small school with 20-25 per class, one class per year from reception to year 2.

the event that happened yesterday, by DDs account.
it was play time and DD was playing with a couple other girls in the play ground. Child in question was calling DD names like 'baby' and 'you need nappies' and announced he was going to the toilet.
he came back out and proceeded to have faeces on his finger to which he wiped on her cardigan.

a staff member took her to the quiet room, swapped her cardigan for one in lost property and the cardigan was handed to me in a bag on pick up. With still an evident stain on it.

i have a meeting this morning.

I have a copy of the safe guarding policy, anti bullying policy. I just need some wise words from MN now with what I need to say but I'm going down the route of failing to keep my child safe, and this is a huge safeguarding issue, not to mention a biohazard issue.
please be kind, I'm a single parent doing my best, and she won't be returning until she is safe.

so far the child has:
kicked, punched, pinched, clouted her on the head with a metal water bottle, name called and taunted. And now this.

she will not be going back to the school until this is sorted and there are proper sanctions in place. I am so angry and utterly heartbroken for her. She has been so poorly last week and in and out of hospital and I cannot see her broken like this anymore.

i appreciate the old thread is 1000 posts but there's more information on there if needed.
My AIBU is I guess to want this child excluded and put as far away from DD as possible. But I know it's not that simple. I'm at a total loss and they are failing to safe guard my child. She will not be returning until she can be safe, I'm also looking at other provisions for her now.
thanks in advance.

why wouldn't the buddy be for the other child? how does this make sense?

The fact you remember every detail 35 years on has just given me the kick up the arse I need. I am so sorry that you went through that and thank you for telling me.

I'll be moving my daughter to an avoid any trauma immediately. Also a good point PP said before friendships start.

thank you for sharing your experience, it's help me realise that moving her is a non-negotiable now

No, the buddy was said to be for DD. I'm unsure if the other child will have a buddy or not but the TA will be with him all of the time.

I haven’t commented previously @HollandAndCooper but I have read this post and a lot of your previous one. Honestly as a retired teacher of many years I echo what other posters have said you should move your daughter to another school. Unless this other child is excluded you will have no peace of mind. I bet the class teacher is tearing her hair out. However when I was teaching this little boy would be spending all his playtimes sitting on the carpet in my classroom with me until he learned how to behave properly. Even children with SEN need to learn appropriate boundaries and behaviour especially if they are in a mainstream setting. I taught many children with SEN who would never have dreamed of behaving in such a way as this boy. I certainly wouldn’t have been sending your daughter to a quiet room out of his way or instigating a ‘buddy’. I would have also given the soiled cardigan to the boy’s mother to launder.This is all probably viewed as very old fashioned and would be frowned upon nowadays. It was possible to exclude children like this and of this age when I was teaching. It did very much depend on the Headteacher and the SENCO being willing to put in the work and time involved in an exclusion. That was quite a few years ago now so probably the system has changed a lot. Exclusions did often trigger alternative and more appropriate provisions for SEN pupils in those days as well.

The buddy thing makes no sense either way - they shouldn’t be making another child responsible for keeping other children safe.

Not the OP's problem. The school are allowing her child to be assaulted, they need to deal with this bully and deal with him hard and fast. If there is no specialist place available he will have to be home schooled until there is. The safety of the other children is paramount.

So what was the school's response, @HollandAndCooper ? I think your post explaining it has been deleted.

where can you escalate this? Governors? Ofsted?

I dont think anyone has been rude or insensitive about the child. One of the reasons I struggled as a teacher was being expected to manage children with needs that are significantly more than I could cope with, alongside 24 others with very limited support. I have been dripping with blood and was seconds away from having my fingers broken. It's terrifying. But i can promise you I loved those kids! The school are not providing adequate supervision for him, thus he is able, and again, not his fault, to act upon his choices. The school needs to take support from elsewhere which is challenging as other children have needs too and the budget for staff is so limited they cant just reallocate support staff, or they need to facilitate a place in a different school which is better able to support him. I am so sorry for your wee girl. I am ten times older than your daughter and daily physical violence and aggression took its on me.

I really hope she has a lovely time with you outside of school while you are dealing with this. You sound like a lovely mum and I do not think you have said anything disrespectful about the boy from what I have read. But the school are failing all of you.

I am firmly a SEN advocate, always, but I think a calculated decision to smear poo on somebody else should warrant a suspension of that child while plans are put in place to prevent it from happening again.

I also agree OP I wouldn't be happy if my Y6 child had to be a bully deterrant, it's taking away from that childs downtime and is effectively giving them an unpaid job, and it could always fall through.

Removing your daughter is an easy solution for the school because then his primary target will be gone, but it isn't forcing the school to follow the KCSIE guidance that somebody else posted.

Hope your meeting went okay. I’m actually shocked that a school would allow this to continue. Surely there must be more powers to exclude children, if teachers and the school aren’t able to keep other children safe from them.

Even if you’re moving your child, definitely escalate to the governors and Ofsted. Personally I’d put it on the class WhatsApp group also, naming no names.

Hopefully however the school has done better at this meeting

I also wonder if the school is communicating to the full extent with the parents of the other child, because I think nearly all parents would be horrified by the poo smearing and offer money to cover the jumper

@QuickPeachPoet

How could the parents control their son's behaviour while he is in school?

I genuinely don't see enough evidence to get him expelled. It is more likely you will have to move your child instead.

It isn't the OP's problem but it is the school's problem and they cannot legally enforce a child to be home schooled. They have to legally follow the process which is long and frustrating and lets down all of the children involved.

I am appalled that your little girl is going through so much with this child nd do not understand why the school have not intervened more to protect her.

Does he bully other children in similar ways or just your daughter? Whatever, he must be stopped.

Don't give up on this, it's terrible and her school life must be a misery while he is around.

I do feel for him and his parents too but something has to be done for all concerned.

The little male deliberately smeared his own faeces on your daughter. As well as giving her a head injury. I am so angry for you. You’ll probably have to move her for her safety now as the school have been useless. I wouldn’t let it go lightly though, probably the opposite. The boy should be expelled, aged 4 or not. His mother should be told her child is deliberately smearing shit and buy you a new cardigan.

I believe that something is going on and the child is probably copying how he is treated at home and should be referred to social services

I would also suggest you move your daughter.

Unfortunately it's likely that supplying a 1 to 1 TA is the only thing that the school will do. And in my experience that isn't the solution that it's often presented to be.

I once witnessed a 4 year old suddenly sprint away from the TA, and, with them in pursuit, run into a classroom, pick up a chair and throw it at a child.

Even an experienced SEN TA cannot stop every single incident, even if the child, as on this occasion, is kept out of the classroom.

I think this is part of the problem. OP’s daughter had literal shit smeared on her, and it’s still not severe enough to expel the child. Yet, if an adult smeared shit on a colleague, they’d be fired instantly - regardless of additional needs.

Why are children expected to show more resilience and put up with actual shit, when adults wouldn’t have to?

It really pisses me off.

School is negilgent. Prioritize going to see them. It’s the boy who should be the subject of scrutiny and how he can be managed.

The boy needs to go. At the very least not allowed anywhere near your daughter and if that means every playtime, lunch, and coming and leaving the school be with an adult so be it. This is insane. Where's the parents of the boy?

Exactly!! Imagine having poo smeared on you. I would be horrified. Why do we accept that this is allowed to happen to children all in the name of inclusion.

It is such a calculated and manipulated act, that I think this should have been an exclusion.

I'd be going directly to this boy's parents. If another child smeared shit on my daughter I actually think I'd need to be restrained. You're doing well OP and moving schools is the right choice.