Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think (well pretty much know) my husband is having an affair. Will blow our family apart. WWYD?

246 replies

ImNotReallyHere · 14/10/2025 22:32

We’re late 50s, early 60s. Husband has had ED problems for a year after an accident. He travels for work every week and I’ve just discovered Viagara in his work bag. He’s having an affair isn’t he?

I can’t confront him yet. He earns £100k. I earn minimum wage as was a SAHM to two teens. Need to get a plan in place but can’t see how without destroying the family and me being penniless.

What would you do? Been married 25 years and feeling absolutely blindsided

OP posts:
Original poster
ImNotReallyHere · 14/10/2025 22:34

One child at home and one at university

OP posts:
Hillrunning · 14/10/2025 22:36

Hugs, so sorry. Take your time to work out all possible options

AnnaQuayInTheUk · 14/10/2025 22:36

Get your ducks in a row, get as much evidence as possible, before challenging him about it.

Do you want to try to save your marriage?

anonbum · 14/10/2025 22:38

It doesn’t look good….but….could he have got the Viagra to use with you and is just hiding it in his work bag because he’s embarrassed? Are there pills missing and have you been having sex?

There could be an explanation but I would ask him outright and watch his instant reaction. It will tell you a lot.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 14/10/2025 22:39

It certainly doesn’t look good, I’m so sorry. Don’t confront yet. You need to collect evidence, if he knows you’re on to him it will give him a chance to cover his tracks.

If you’ve sacrificed your earning potential to raise your children he shouldn’t be able to leave you penniless. You have a claim on marital assets, ie what he has earned while you have been kindly saving a fortune in nursery fees by doing the childcare.

BeRoseSloth · 14/10/2025 22:40

There’s a chance he may be using it to masturbate ? Just a thought.

Greyhound98 · 14/10/2025 22:40

As a stay at home / part time mum and having being married to him for a long time you are in a strong position to go for well over 50% in a divorce if that’s what you’re looking at now.
Gather all your financial details, bank statements etc and speak to a solicitor before you give him a clue, as he may start hiding assets if he is forewarned.
Is it definitely an affair? I’d be doing some more digging.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/10/2025 22:40

Assuming he is actually having an affair, I’d end the relationship.

as long as you’re in the uk, you’ll be fine op financially. Must be lots of assets and pension which you’ll likely get more than 50% off due to future earning disparity.

long marriage and nearly retirement age, rules are you just be able to afford a similar level of retirement,

kids ages are too old to talk about ‘blowing a family apart.’ Anyway, he did that, not you.

caringcarer · 14/10/2025 22:48

If you are going to divorce do it quickly before DS at home reaches 18. After any DC are 18 it's more likely to be a 50/50 split of all assets but remember you want to pension share. If you were to do orce before DS is 18 I think you'd get a higher percentage of assets.

Original poster
ImNotReallyHere · 14/10/2025 22:51

I don’t post often so don’t know how to reply to posts.

I don’t know what I need to get my ducks in a row.

I don’t believe he bought the viagara for me as 2 have been taken.

They are teens but would be devastated by split. Enough for me to think I will ignore it. I’m honestly so gobsmacked that I’m not sure on wat forward. At the same time, I searched his work bag as had a feeling

OP posts:
EedioticSanity · 14/10/2025 22:59

Most likely trying to get his head around ED and what he can and can’t do, including masturbation. Viagra is not a 100% def cure/fix so definitely not likely to be having an affair IMHO if he has ED - there would be a massive fear of failing to perform for him.

AutumnDayswhen · 14/10/2025 23:02

I'd get some up to date legal advice (I think there's an expectation to look for work now, even at your age). And start quietly CV building and getting lots of info about finances.

heraldgerald · 14/10/2025 23:04

I dont think hes having an affair.

Noshadelamp · 14/10/2025 23:07

arethereanyleftatall · 14/10/2025 22:40

Assuming he is actually having an affair, I’d end the relationship.

as long as you’re in the uk, you’ll be fine op financially. Must be lots of assets and pension which you’ll likely get more than 50% off due to future earning disparity.

long marriage and nearly retirement age, rules are you just be able to afford a similar level of retirement,

kids ages are too old to talk about ‘blowing a family apart.’ Anyway, he did that, not you.

Yes this. You don't have to worry, you won't be penniless.

You've asked for our opinions but you've already decided to ignore it?

I wouldn't risk that op, what if he decided to leave you for the other woman? Yous be blindsided and not have time to ensure he's not hiding assets.

I'd at least dig into the finances and take screenshots, account numbers, photocopies of pension plan letters, bank statements etc so if something changes down the line you're more prepared.

MrsBroccolini · 14/10/2025 23:09

EedioticSanity · 14/10/2025 22:59

Most likely trying to get his head around ED and what he can and can’t do, including masturbation. Viagra is not a 100% def cure/fix so definitely not likely to be having an affair IMHO if he has ED - there would be a massive fear of failing to perform for him.

Agree. I don’t think it’s necessarily as cut and dry as a condom so wouldn’t definitely jump to the conclusion. Good luck.

reversingdumptruckwithnotyreson · 14/10/2025 23:09

heraldgerald · 14/10/2025 23:04

I dont think hes having an affair.

Then why would he be taking viagra?

Smugbadger · 14/10/2025 23:11

More likely sex workers if he’s traveling for work…?

IvedoneitagainhaventI · 14/10/2025 23:19

heraldgerald · 14/10/2025 23:04

I dont think hes having an affair.

So what is your explanation of him having viagra in his work bag. Given he travels for work.
Do you think he is using sex workers?

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 14/10/2025 23:22

He is having an affair.

Take your time make a plan and do what you need to.
Find a good lawyer and follow their advice to the letter

Tangit · 14/10/2025 23:22

Smugbadger · 14/10/2025 23:11

More likely sex workers if he’s traveling for work…?

Oh god, I hadn't thought about that - that's even worse than an affair!

MsDogLady · 14/10/2025 23:23

@ImNotReallyHere, it does appear that your H is cheating on you and your children. I’m so sorry.

You must be reeling that he would betray you and the sacred trust you’ve given him during his many years of traveling for work. You have held down the fort all this time, not to mention providing your loving support during his recovery from his accident.

This is all on him and his unethical choices and behavior. Please don’t diminish yourself by ignoring his infidelity and heinous treatment of you and your family. You deserve his utmost respect, honesty, cherishment and fidelity. Turning a blind eye will eat you alive and would be a dysfunctional relationship blueprint for the children. Their father is a very poor role model.

You need information/answers and to operate from a position of strength. Before confronting him, I would investigate his phone, statements, pockets, etc. Consult with a solicitor to learn your options. When you do address your discovery, don’t allow him to shut you down with anger, gaslighting, or blame-shifting. Stand your ground and set sharp consequences.

Keep posting for our support, @ImNotReallyHere.

HoppityBun · 14/10/2025 23:25

ImNotReallyHere · 14/10/2025 22:51

I don’t post often so don’t know how to reply to posts.

I don’t know what I need to get my ducks in a row.

I don’t believe he bought the viagara for me as 2 have been taken.

They are teens but would be devastated by split. Enough for me to think I will ignore it. I’m honestly so gobsmacked that I’m not sure on wat forward. At the same time, I searched his work bag as had a feeling

Enquiry agents are used to getting the information you need. What you do with it need not be done in a hurry but see a solicitor

Wowwee1234 · 14/10/2025 23:29

To maybe be more helpful on ducks in a row:
Financial

  • Have at least one bank account in just your name, discreetly build up your own savings and exit funds
  • Create a file with details of all assets, including pensions
  • Get details of all bank accounts
  • Get proof of earmings

Legal

  • Speak to a solicitor

Practical
-Consider how you would want to manage housing (e.g. move out and risk not gwtting the house in a settlement, think if you could live in the house but apart, would you want him to move out).

  • Consider custody options
  • Consider couples counselling

And when you ask about it, keep calm and don't prejudge. I thibk it can be prescibed for other conditions.

Bishopstail · 14/10/2025 23:31

I think i'd want more evidence than this. He might just be trying it out.

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 14/10/2025 23:32

I'm sorry, OP. I personally wouldn't stay (and am a similar age with kids and divorced) but can see how you feel trapped and scared to act.

I hope other, younger mumsnetters read this and appreciate the importance of maintaining financial independence throughout their lives.