I think (well pretty much know) my husband is having an affair. Will blow our family apart. WWYD?

[ImNotReallyHere]

We’re late 50s, early 60s. Husband has had ED problems for a year after an accident. He travels for work every week and I’ve just discovered Viagara in his work bag. He’s having an affair isn’t he?

I can’t confront him yet. He earns £100k. I earn minimum wage as was a SAHM to two teens. Need to get a plan in place but can’t see how without destroying the family and me being penniless.

What would you do? Been married 25 years and feeling absolutely blindsided

I’d look to masturbation before assuming an affair. ED causes anxiety in men, so it’d be unlikely he was willing to risk embarrassment with another woman.

Hmm lots of replies on this thread advocating OP just do nothing.

If I was cynical I'd assume it was overrun with men yet again.

This makes a lot of sense.

i wouldn’t assume he is definitely having an affair from this. It’s possible he’s using it to masturbate or using it with you..?
Id probably watch for a while and do some snooping. If I found more evidence I might confront him.. best of luck to you x

Sorry, but that sounds really controlling. It's his body and he's allowed to want to have erections and gain solo pleasure without permission from his wife or having to justify it to her.

It could well be that he enjoys/finds it relaxing to masturbate when he's alone and away for work. Can you imagine the (rightful) outcry on here if a man discovered that his wife packed a vibrator in her bag for some 'me time' when going away on her own for work and he took it as 'proof' that she's using it with (or getting herself in the mood for) another man and went straight to his solicitor to file for divorce? "But she didn't even tell me about it or ask if I was happy with her doing that on her own". That would be equally controlling and a red flag.

IF he is having an affair, that's an entirely different matter of course, and it very much would be OP's business; but so far, all OP has told us is that he has a common male medical condition - one that many men suffering from it find distressing - and he's sought treatment for it.

This was the case for a friend of mine in the exact same circs - Viagra in his work bag. Her next step was to look in his computer where she found websites for booking them with active logins.

Absolutely this and this is excellent advice.
Speak to a solicitor who has experience in family law immediately. Once you know where you stand financially you will then be more equipped to deal with the emotional side.

It's obviously something that she finds concerning and wants to (and should) speak to him about - and, if she does have further causes for concern, investigate further and look for evidence.

i mean, if she wants to divorce him for any reason at any time, she can do so; but it does sound like she didn't have any desire to leave him until she found the pills and jumped straight to "He's having am affair".

Telling her to do nothing is mad; just as is treating it as a done deal that he's cheating and she needs to start divorce proceedings immediately on that basis.

Presumably at your age you worked for long enough before you married and had children to have built up a reasonable amount of pension? And since starting school, you’ve been working? You’d be expected to have worked full time certainly when the DC started secondary school.

At the ages your DC are now, there won’t be any ‘custody’ hearing - the youngest is old enough to make heir own decision where they live and the oldest is an adult. If your DH is older than you then he’s nearer to retirement and that will be taken into account for the financial order. The younger person will have longer to build up their pension.
A friend of mine found out her DH was having an affair in similar circumstances to you. She was shell shocked. However, she didn’t want to split up so she actually kept quiet, persuaded him to take early retirement and managed to ride the storm. This was 15 years ago and they’re perfectly happy together.

You say you “had a feeling” op. Based on what? I think you have to ask him. There is no way I could conceal something like that from my DH, he’d take one look at my face and know something was far wrong. Ask him, see what he says, his reaction will be telling.

You really do need extra evidence as I don't think you can go on the viagra one alone. Familiarise yourself with how viagra actually works. Not sure that it is one of the most romantic 'pills' around and the other woman would need a lot of understanding which may be a bit of a turn off with an older man. I would be looking for other clues like perfume smells, whereabouts, even evidence on his phone before your blast forth. It may be a personal fear he has or he may even need support for a fragile ego. As you are both older I would be spending my time keeping a diary and perhaps withholding marital favours for a few weeks just to get the lie of the land. If you collect enough proof then fire ahead, unless of course you just want out and if so, just go do it.

Yeah, you can’t ’know’ on this basis alone. It’s not unusual for men with ED to try out ED medication to see how/what works, and many of us are secretive and/or embarrassed by the whole thing and even find it difficult to bring any successful results to our partners, as it were.

Equally it’s not unusual for men with ED to use it to have sex with someone else, obviously.

There is a big difference between do nothing and go in all guns blazing. If her husband has ed as she states and she accuses him of having an affair and all he is trying to do is get hard for a wank? We don’t know that they were intimate before the ed so maybe he doesn’t share as much as he would.

Another post about why can’t he take viagara in the gym is just insane. If you were a bloke, trying to get your dick to work, why would you take in the gym? Trying it in the privacy of a hotel room is the perfect place and if it works then he can use it. He isn’t going to wanking in the gym or office. If it works better than expected he can sleep it off

Im not saying he isn’t definitely cheating but if you know a bloke with ed you will know it’s a sensitive subject and they just want it work and if he is using it for solo use then it’s no one else’s business and I don’t think you need to be male to believe that he should have control over his own body

I’m sorry and with all kindness to OP but to think that a middle aged man buys Viagra to “try it out” or just for masturbation seems like a classic example of sticking your fingers in your ears and singing “la, la, la”. People on this are being wilfully naive.

As a PP mentioned the simplest explanation is usually the right one.

Obviously OP you should take your time and consider the options but I do think its likely that he’s having sex outside the marriage in some way.

I'd talk to him. You can't bury your head in the sand because you're scared.

OP in my earlier years this would have been a marriage ending moment for me.
In my fifties/sixties with a long shared history, adult children, a lovely home and many years of marriage, I would sit my husband down very calmly, talk to him about it, and try to work it out.
If it is just sex I would work on finding a solution
If it is an affair where he is emotionally involved, I think I would still try to save my marriage but only if my husband could convince me that was what he wanted to do.
My heart goes out to you OP, life is hard, we all make mistakes and we are all human.
I wish you well OP x

Your DC might be upset but they'll get over it. If you want to stay, stay but don't put the responsibility for doing so on them. My dad couldn't keep it in his pants, I wish my mum had the courage and enough self-respect to leave him.

Thanks for your input ChatGPT

You’re not going to be penniless, you are going to be poorer as a one person family but the assets will be divided in half. I assume there’s considerable assets after that salary?

house? Pension?

you will manage if you can sell your main house and get 2 small ones/2 flats - you can pay your day to day expenses out of a job such as yours

What was this ‘feeling’ based on?

My friend had a partner with ED and she discovered he was using viagra to masturbate. She was still hurt that he would use it for his pleasure and not with her and she ended the relationship (it was a short later life one not a marriage). So it might not be an affair. Tbh if he genuinely has ED then he’s unlikely to be having an affair as the fear of failure will likely put him off. What about other behaviour? Phone use/secrecy?

I think you have to talk about this. Just put the tablets on the table in front of him and say nothing. Silence is really more powerful than any question. Simply put them on the table and say nothing.

But get some legal advice first if you like. Give yourself confidence that you’d get half the house and some of his pension.

Talk to him, calmly and gently. Show a bit of compassion. Even if he is having an affair, it's a bit drastic to just automatically say you'll leave him. Maybe this is a chance for the two of you to work things out.
Above all, don't jump to conclusions.

Talk to him? MN loves to jump.to an affair LTB situation instantly. In a decent relationship we talk to each other.
He might be shagging someone else. He might be trying them.out privately to see.if they work before trying them with you. Just bloody ask him @ImNotReallyHere if you want to know, if you don't want to know ignore them and carry on with your life.

He might have got the viagra to see if they work before using with you ... you are jumping to conclusions

Do you like your DH? Does he add anything to your life? Do you socialise together, do family things together?
Personally I would wait until I had amassed £20k as an emergency fund then make my decision. This financial buffer gives you choices as selling a property getting divorce cost money and takes time. You might as well stay and enjoy your own home whilst you debate your options. I would be very cold and calculating and only consider what you want.💕