I think (well pretty much know) my husband is having an affair. Will blow our family apart. WWYD?

[ImNotReallyHere]

We’re late 50s, early 60s. Husband has had ED problems for a year after an accident. He travels for work every week and I’ve just discovered Viagara in his work bag. He’s having an affair isn’t he?

I can’t confront him yet. He earns £100k. I earn minimum wage as was a SAHM to two teens. Need to get a plan in place but can’t see how without destroying the family and me being penniless.

What would you do? Been married 25 years and feeling absolutely blindsided

I'd assume this as well

There’s a heck of a lot of jumping the gun on this thread. When my partner became bothered enough by ED to buy Viagra he didn’t tell me for quite some time because he was embarrassed and he wanted to experiment with it to find out how it worked for him. He only told me months later once he was confident of its capabilities! If I’d found a used packet in his bag before he told me I’d definitely have been worried and suspicious but would’ve dealt with it by speaking to him. The thing is, I wouldn’t have been looking in his bag. Sounds like there are bigger problems OP? Sorry if you’ve already mentioned this - I haven’t rtff yet.

Is your marriage one that's slipped into convenience and affection rather than still being sexual, passionate, and driven by a connection to each other? I wondered if it's the former because of the separate rooms because of covid which is now 5 years ago.

I guess I ask not because it would excuse an affair, if he's having one, but because it might shape how you move forward in terms of what you want from your DH now and in the future - is it companionship and financial facilitation of your not working (because teenagers do not need a SAHM) or is a marriage of substance, with passion and connection?

I can see he might take it away with him to try it out whilst masterbating in a private hotel room.

Fwiw, it' worth sticking with it, as it often doesn't work first time and some might need a higher dose.

But, there's a reason you were checking, what is it?

Talk about jump the gun, before you even know.
Find out first.

It can't just be this incident OP. You said you "had a feeling" and hence searched his work bag. If he is playing away, can you live with that? Do you actually love him or are you like lodgers in the same house? Could you accept it and continue to enjoy a more comfortable material existence? The alternative will be blowing the family apart with you having to work full time and buy or rent another place to live. I know that doesn't sound like very feminist advice, but sometimes we have to be practical.

Agree with this. Context is key but if there are other considerations that point to your suspicions likely being true, then I would probably just directly ask what is going on. From what you have shared so far an affair is only a possibility.

As an aid to masturbatiom?

My ex had a one off "problem" which sent him into a bit of a tail spin, though he kept that quiet. A bit later I found a used packet of 4 viagra in the bathroom bin. He had recently been on a trip abroad to see family. Naturally I was immediately imagining all sorts, and mentioned it to him straight away. He said it was because the one time it had happened worried him so much he immediately bought some to test it out, and did I really think that if he was having an affair, he'd put the evidence in the bathroom bin? We talked about it a bit more and I said I wished he'd mentioned that he was worrying about it.

He's an ex, but not for that reason. It might not be an affair. Be very sure about ending a relationship about this - unless you want to for other reasons of course. It being in the work bag is a bit

@ImNotReallyHere you go see a divorce solicitor so you know your rights. Information is power and after such a long marriage with a child still at home you may find you are entitled to more than you thought.

Then you start applying for jobs. You need to be financially able to stand on your own feet.

If he hasn't used it before with you, then he might be telling the truth.

I had a husband with ED, and he was very ashamed about it, and at first secretly tried to use viagra on his own. (It didn't work - you really need to be with another person.)

So his story sounds reasonable to me.

Just 2 taken doesn’t shout affair to me, and I think having to rely on viagra and having ED would probably make him less likely to have an affair anyway.

If I was to guess I would think he was wanking over porn in his hotel room.

It sounds perfectly reasonable to me. What woman would have an affair with someone who needed Viagra to get it up?

It's attitudes like that which contribute to the shame and secrecy isn't it? Fact is, loads of blokes over 50 will have ED, while in their heads they are still 22.

I'm not condoning affairs obviously!

But what if you ignore it and he ends up leaving you when he is ready? Get a plan on leaving so you have all the facts. He would be the one causing devastation, not you!

I would concede this in any other context (ie found it in his nightstand or something), but OP having a hunch + him having a job that requires travelling………. It lines up all too well.

I thought this too.

And if he was having an affair wouldn’t there be condoms there too?

It doesn't immediately mean affair. Are there any other things that would make you wonder?
When he is away, does he get annoyed with unexpected phone calls? When I am away I am really bad for keeping in contact with DH, but if he called I would be happy to hear from him.

The financial ducks - make a list of all financial and physical assets you have

How does he feel about his ED? Is he embarrassed by it?

If he was away and wanted the privacy to try it and see what happens, it would be ideal for him to have tried the Viagra out on the outing, taking it when he went to bed (if like me on work trips I eat am in bed by 8.30-9), safe in the knowledge any effects should have worn off by the time he got up for work in the morning. Perhaps something he wasn't keen to take with you around without knowing how it worked first, and once he knew the timing of its effectiveness thus could come to your bed prepared as it were, to make it look more natural things were working for him (if he's embarrassed about the ED from the accident) as it were? As opposed to taking it then trying to go for a late night wee with difficulty, which might lead to questions! I'm pretty sure you have to be aroused for it to work, obviously with you not there to arouse him, is it any wonder he says it doesn't work??!

I'm inclined to give him the benefit of doubt here and suggest you & he try it out with you both together & see what happens.

How would a potential affair partner even know, if it were something that she would judge a man for? Like a lot of medications, it can be taken in advance; I doubt, if he were having an affair, he would make up a placard to wave at her saying "Warning: ED - I need to use Viagra!"

You don’t have to believe him just because that’s what he said. If you believe he’s lying, trust your gut.

I found an empty packet of Viagra he was having an affair, he will probably tell you he was trying them out on himself though.

This.

Eh? Do you think that people only take jobs that require them to travel and stay away from home overnight because they want to have affairs?!

And we don't know what kind of 'hunch' OP has. There might be a number of genuine concerns lining up, or she may just be naturally anxious.

After all, on the other recent thread, OP's (thankfully now ex) partner was convinced that she was going away on a trip with a group of female family members because she was planning on finding another man/men to have sex with. To his thinking, this was very obviously her intention and she was blatantly trying to get away with cheating on him.

I'm not saying that OP doesn't have reasonable reasons to suspect him, nor that he definitely isn't having an affair; but people can have 'a hunch' for lots of reasons - sometimes for good reasons, sometimes not.