I think (well pretty much know) my husband is having an affair. Will blow our family apart. WWYD?

[ImNotReallyHere]

We’re late 50s, early 60s. Husband has had ED problems for a year after an accident. He travels for work every week and I’ve just discovered Viagara in his work bag. He’s having an affair isn’t he?

I can’t confront him yet. He earns £100k. I earn minimum wage as was a SAHM to two teens. Need to get a plan in place but can’t see how without destroying the family and me being penniless.

What would you do? Been married 25 years and feeling absolutely blindsided

Hard to be certain based only on finding the viagra - there’s the possibility that he’s bought it and is taking it in an attempt to understand how it works for him and intends to carry on using it while he’s away. He’d have more privacy while he’s away.

Or he could be having an affair - although if he’s embarrassed by the ED that is a huge risk for him.

I agree it doesn't look great, but I think you need a bit more evidence before blowing your marriage apart over something that might (even if it's only a 10% chance) just be a bloke trying to get his todger to work like it used to.

OP, I also wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that it’s an affair.
I know of at least 2 men, similar ages, who admit to using Viagra just as a “leisure activity” for themselves.
Rainy afternoon activity, when there’s not much else going on - is how they have each described it.
For men with ED, I believe it at least gives them confidence.

Dig around for financials in the meantime, (and maybe prescription details as well?) and bide your time…

Id just ignore it personally until such a time as I was in a position not to have to. Is it that massive a deal? I don't think so personally.
This is why I've always had a career.
Take this as a salutary lesson to get back in the workplace and sort your life out.
Why does it have to mean instant divorce?

Why are you so sure it’s not for masturbation?

@ImNotReallyHere How do you know he isn't using viagra for masturbation?

I'm appalled at most replies are 'leave' he's having an affair! At least speak to the man before running to a solicitor with only, I "think" my husbands having an affair.

DH got some on prescription for ED they didn't work. When we moved a few years later cleaning out the bathroom found a package with two missing had a bad few moments until I remembered that we had tried twice.

For some reason I also don’t think he is having an affair. And I am usually the first to say LTB. There is something about this that makes me think he is innocent. I have a feeling that he has bought the Viagra for you and tried it out by himself to see what it is like. I reckon he is mortified to tell you.

Don’t jump to conclusions. Have a word with him about it. See what he says.

That doesn’t mean he has definitely taken them for/with someone else. He might have been curious to see if they worked for him?

Jumping straight to an affair is hasty unless you have other suspicions.

Your mind must be very one dimensional if you’ve gone straight for “affair” and literally no other potential possibility. Open your mind a little…

It seems very hasty to assume he's having an affair if finding the Viagra is the only 'clue' that you have. He may indeed be having an affair, but it's very flimsy and ambiguous 'evidence' to go on, without any other signs or concerns.

As PP have said, he could be using it for masturbation purposes (with or without 'visuals' when he's alone in his hotel room), to see how it affects him before approaching you (I'm assuming that you don't currently have sexual relations together?), or just for self-confidence purposes - as ED can make men really down and feel like they 'aren't a proper man' if they can't get it up.

Flip it around: if a woman who happened to work away from home a lot were having issues with vaginal dryness and her husband found some cream for it in her work bag - would you think him reasonable to say, on that basis only, "I know she's having an affair, because why on earth else would she be using that when we're apart?" ?

I searched his work bag as had a feeling.

@ImNotReallyHere, what behavior of his triggered your niggles?

Is it possible his erectile problems have been less severe or long-lasting than he claims after his accident? Plenty of men avoid having sex with their wives once they've started something with someone else.

And yes, it would be helpful to know what were the things that made you suspicious enough to check his bag in the first place. It sounds as though you were already uneasy about his behaviour.

Ducks in a row = good planning and putting cash aside for eventual leaving

@ImNotReallyHere Hope there is an innocent explanation, it must be awful not knowing.
When did you return to work after having your children as I note that they are much older now? Do you have savings from this that could help you to get ready to leave?

Normally I would say LTB, but given his age and ED, maybe he is trying out the viagra to see how it works for him?

Not conclusive but what made you get that feeling to search the bag? Presumably things haven't been 100% between you? What about sex life last few years?

If you can get hold of his phone that's worth a try for any suspicious calls or messages.

Financially get proof of his earnings. Photos of bank statements.

It's the usual MN LTB war cry. It makes me mad that people rush in to try and destroy marriages, when they themselves have nothing to lose.
The kindly advisers are encouraging this woman to potentially face a lonely old age on the strength of flimsy evidence.

You're married. You won't be penniless. Don't tell yourself this (and don't listen if he tries to tell you this).

Get professional legal advice re your rights.

Is there any other evidence?

Check bank statements, credit card statements for any unusual outgoings.

He might be using them for watching porn 'alone time' if he has ED so keep your cards close to your chest for now and keep digging.

Wait until you have concrete evidence of an affair before you do anything hasty.

Otherwise known as pattern recognition. The simplest explanation is almost always the correct one.

No one is saying she has to dump him on the spot without asking any more questions. But she would be hopelessly naive not to find out what's going on and prepare herself for the fact it's unlikely to be anything she wants to hear.

Chances are he’s having an affair since you already had a feeling and when you looked for evidence, you found some.

What you do about it is not clear cut. I know quite a few women who stayed with partners whose infidelity they discovered close to retirement. Most despise their husbands but have a significantly better standard of living than they’d have if they divorced, and they prefer that. Of the ones I know well enough to have talked about their sex life, none still sleep with them. Two women I know stayed but their husbands left them a few years later. They were devastated and one got really screwed over financially. 3 that I know left their husbands, one went a bit wild, travelled, had a bunch of lovers, and has now remarried. Another remarried very quickly and seems happy (but it’s only been a couple of years), another has been lonely and seems to sort of regret it but also says she couldn’t have stayed.

None still had kids at home.

I think it’s probably worth getting as much detail on the financials as you can and paying for an hour with a decent divorce lawyer. Just find out where you stand and what you can do to protect your finances. Also, get tested for STDs, even if you haven’t had sex since you suspect this started. If he’s done it once he may have been doing it all your married life.

Get informed and then plan for the life you want.

Don’t have sex with him again without a condom. Unless you decide, for sure, he hasn’t been sleeping around. Find an excuse, or tell him what you suspect. Don’t risk your health.

Yes of course she needs to find out what’s going on.
What she doesn’t need to do is start immediate divorce proceedings, or at least not on the strength of a bunch of MNetters, who have nothing to lose if they drop the wrong advice.