I think (well pretty much know) my husband is having an affair. Will blow our family apart. WWYD?

[ImNotReallyHere]

We’re late 50s, early 60s. Husband has had ED problems for a year after an accident. He travels for work every week and I’ve just discovered Viagara in his work bag. He’s having an affair isn’t he?

I can’t confront him yet. He earns £100k. I earn minimum wage as was a SAHM to two teens. Need to get a plan in place but can’t see how without destroying the family and me being penniless.

What would you do? Been married 25 years and feeling absolutely blindsided

I was in my late 50s when now ex has an affair and left me. Working part time and had had some years off for the children.
I can't say it was easy or pleasant but I did get a good settlement, he had only managed to get so far in his career and earn a good salary because of me. I had a good solicitor and yes you need a good share of his pension. My children were over 18, daughter still living with us. Neither liked the situation but it was of their father's making, and they understood, I know this is different in your case that it isn't as done and dusted. But honestly being checked to make sure you've not got any STIs when you've been faithful for the whole of your long marriage sucks big time.
At very least get all the info you'd need, don't give him any suspicion that you are in to him.
A wealthy older man even with his ED can be very attractive to some women , he will be telling her that you don't care any more, that you never have sex with him and the rest. Do you want him to potentially be syphoning off marital assets to someone else for the foreseeable future, and then leaving you, or never having peace of mind that he really is at work, or the gym, or wherever he says he is. In a few years you will both probably be retired, so you want to spend your retirement being the marriage police and wondering if he will leave you?

Peyronie’s disease Is not something you’d be aware of when flaccid because it’s only bent when erect. And he can’t erect? And the viagra didn’t work? Something isn’t quite adding up there.

This could definitely be a possibility. Testing it out in private and masturbating to porn.

When you say work bag do you mean he stays away? If so then it’s possible he’s experimenting with them in the privacy of a hotel (by himself). With his medical issues it doesn’t seem that likely he’s having an affair, hardly a situation a new woman wants to be dealing with when embarking on an affair.

Either way your marriage sounds like it has trust and communication issues from both sides.

My suspicion would be using prostitutes to try to 'fix' the ED rather than an affair but hopefully it is innocent. Might be the push you need to get a higher paid job and more independence.

My DH tried Viagra and said it didn't work. We looked it up and discovered that if a man tries to get aroused immediately after taking it, then nothing happens. He has to wait at least 20 minutes before arousal, then it works.

I understand that the OP's husband has Peyronie's disease which is different and also that having erections and intercourse can make it worse. I suspect he's not having an affair but may be trying to work out how to have sex again. Peyronie's can also cause low self-esteem.

So the Viagra advice is for anyone else who thinks it doesn't work.

I hope the OP's husband can get the help he needs.

I’d give him the benefit of the doubt on this.

Given he has a genuine medical issue, Peyronie's disease, imho being away from home would be an ideal time to play solo and trying some viagra to see if it helps his condition.

Having known of someone with the condition, it can involve some pretty drastic medical interventions which will be worrying him if he’s read up about it.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you - it happened to me too so I know what I'd do differently. You will be feeling utterly devastated so please don't hesitate to reach out to your GP for help - and while doing so, make some other appointments, too. Solicitors will give you a free half hour appointment, and once you've consulted that firm, they can't act for your husband. So by seeing loads of them you effectively make sure that you have the strongest representation. Talking to a good solicitor will make you feel stronger. If he's having an affair, he'll be thinking in a completely crazy way. If you confront him, even if he admits it he will not be thinking about your interests or those of your family. He's utterly pathetic and you deserve more. You have a long marriage and you're entitled to at least half of the marital home, any pensions and potentially to some lifetime spousal maintenance (as you've sacrificed your earning potential to raise the family). Leave getting a job until after the divorce. I'm assuming there will be a divorce because you don't want to spend your life shackled to this waste of skin.

Don't jump to conclusions. Even if he is having an affair it could be an insignificant fling and why ruin a marriage for that. People are to quick to quit these days.

Speak to him rationally then sort things out in your head if need be.

But, remember, no woman need be dependent on a man these days.

What would I do, is what I did do when it happened to me (also 25 years married) - I divorced the cheating rat. Your husband is up to something op, come on you know that! Viagra in his work bag? It’s likely for sex workers rather than an actual affair. If you choose to believe him and ignore, then that is of course your choice. I think he’s taking you for a mug if you do though, just my opinion. Maybe get your ducks lined up behind the scenes just in case, while you consider your options (and maybe find your anger). I’m sorry this happened to you, I know it sucks, I was utterly shocked and devastated when it happened to me, so I do understand. The thing is though, it has happened and surely dealing with it head on gives back your power, whereas ignoring it, and secretly stressing the whole time he is working away now and forever more is no way to live..

Get your free half hour phone call with 2/3 solicitors... you will hear that your contribution to family life is just as valuable as his. You will learn what divorce outcome would be. It feels disloyal/scary/heartbreaking to do this but you must protect yourself. Copies now of all £ held wherever. He can move money away and come the divorce it will be whats done is done so you can quickly move £ away now if you can i was shocked that no action could be taken against moved £. prior to solicitor being involved. Best of luck. If you end up not needing to divorce then, happy days x

Insignificant fling? Is there such a thing?

@BunnyLake Agreed. If my husband so much as kissed another woman that would be it; marriage over. Same rules apply to me of course. But I never would (and hope he never would either). For us, our marriage is exclusive. Them's the rules.

I don’t think I could ever see the words ‘insignificant fling’ and think oh yes of course, it’s nothing. It makes me laugh (ironically) when people say ‘it didn’t mean anything’ as if that makes everything less bad and more easily forgivable. It’s almost worse as there are millions more people out there you can have insignificant flings with than you can meaningful relationships.

I'm reading this thread as i find myself in the exact same situation. Viagra hidden in sock in work bag.

I found some in the bedroom about a year ago, they're still there. We talked about it, he said he was embarrassed to tell me, I reassured him no need. All cool.

I've noticed him being very attached to his phone recently. Literally never left unattended which is why I looked in his bag. Felt compelled to look.

I guess I'm confused as to why he's got a secret stash in work bag?

I confronted him, he denies shagging anyone else, says they're for me.

I want to believe him.

I feel very mixed up, ashamed and foolish. Awful sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I suppose I have to believe him.

If he can’t get a decent erection then surgery wouldn’t help. It only bends when erect.

Reading through these answers, it seems a large number of Mumsnet are very unforgiving and always jump to the worst conclusions and get divorced. It’s not always worst case scenario! You need to talk

Id be inclined to believe him

Must be horrible for him tbh. Id maybe see if now he has a diagnosis they can suggest a treatment plan

Trust your gut instinct. Why hide Viagra in his work bag if they're to use with you, it doesn't make sense. Also becoming very attached to his phone is a massive red flag.

My partner uses Viagra and I told him about this post. He says he didn’t tell me about it for quite a while so hid it in his bag as he wanted to test how it worked for him. I respect that. As hopefully everyone on here is aware, impotence is horrific for men and they obviously have to find ways to deal with it that work for them. Not all men ‘hiding’ Viagra are having affairs.

I must have missed the posts where all these Mumsnetters told the OP to rush out and start divorce proceedings. Clearly you read more carefully than me.