I think (well pretty much know) my husband is having an affair. Will blow our family apart. WWYD?

[ImNotReallyHere]

We’re late 50s, early 60s. Husband has had ED problems for a year after an accident. He travels for work every week and I’ve just discovered Viagara in his work bag. He’s having an affair isn’t he?

I can’t confront him yet. He earns £100k. I earn minimum wage as was a SAHM to two teens. Need to get a plan in place but can’t see how without destroying the family and me being penniless.

What would you do? Been married 25 years and feeling absolutely blindsided

This

Yes, get all your ducks in a row.
Take your time to do it thoroughly.

He is either cheating, or not.
However, until you are sure, you can not assume cheating.

If you can keep a secure home for your youngest until he leaves for uni, I would do that. Why blow up your son's life, study chances, etc when he will be leaving the nest within a few years? Divorce of parents IS a big deal; it takes over one's mind.

If you do clarify cheating, DH and you could come to a respectful way of treating each other while protecting your son's confidence and security in his home.

In the meantime, could you ask DH whether he has had a detailed man to man chat with youngest, about how to treat women and value long term relationships, build trust etc? See how he reacts to that suggestion.

I hope, for your sake, that the medication is not related to cheating. It might be the right time for a fair distribution of assets between you both even if you remain married. That is a discussion worth having with your accountant along with talking about plans for retiremant..

OP, it's not really about what any of us would do, it's about what YOU want. If you had lots of money, would you walk? Or would you still want to try to work it out? Only you know if this is a deal-breaker even if he was desperately sorry.

I heard some great advice once, about making difficult decisions. It was that you should make a decision that you can live with over time. Assuming he is cheating, you're at a fork in the road of your life. Imagine being 60,70,80, even 90, if you'd stayed and if you hadn't. Also, the missing piece of the puzzle right now is that you don't know how he'd react if you told him what you found. That is, if he'd be sorry and trying to save things, or if he'd be nasty and/or tell you there was something else.

Only you know the overall quality of your marriage. In one way, it seems crazy to throw everything away over a few shags, if that's what they were, and I think there is a question over how realistic it is for everyone to remain sexually faithful over many decades of marriage. On the other hand, I also understand completely if someone feels unable to move forward in the relationship and has to call it a day, and I think that's completely reasonable. People vary so much. Some are able to get past it, reasoning that this isn't the sum total of their marriage, and others dump the person immediately and never look back. I haven't been in this situation, so I don't know what I'd do. I think almost all of it would depend on how he reacted to being discovered. Some couples have said they worked through it and had a better marriage after. For others, it was the beginning of the end.

I think you need to talk to him.

Try to get a job if you can, anyway. You're very vulnerable, being a SAHM.

Sending hugs 💐 No one deserves to be the victim of infidelity.

Don't discount your gut instincts OP.

You didn't find Viagra and jump to suspecting cheating.

You suspected cheating, took a look around and found Viagra.

Your instincts came first and usually they're correct, unfortunately.

ETA: I'm really not sure if I'd believe him about the Viagara. I honestly wouldn't know what to think. The disease you mentioned makes me think he might not want anyone seeing it. But who knows.

Peyronie’s disease can be very difficult but there are options such as surgery. Is he talking about that the GP?

@SprayWhiteDung is referring to another thread I believe.

I hope you’re ok @ImNotReallyHere
i would be inclined to believe him too.
It’s ok to just do nothing, take your time xxx

Id investigate further to find out for sure.

That makes total sense op. He’s your husband and he’s not confided in you about how he’s feeling because it’s scary and sensitive stuff. And he actually may be scared you're going to have an affair.

It’s great you know what’s going on and maybe when he gets back you could discuss options if he wants to explore surgery, injections (if you can afford these) or whether he / you would rather live with it. I actually think he probably needs a big hug and lots of reassurance. ☺️

As others have said, don't ignore your gut.
It's always easier to let yourself believe the least hurtful/disruptive explanation. I think it's unlikely that he's telling the truth.

We are similar ages and set up to you.
My husband was not the type to have an affair
Also he had ED so surely he couldn’t?
Found out he’d been having an affair for 4.5 years - using viagra.
You need to know.
You had a feeling.
Get into his phone.
Where did he get the Viagra from ?
My husband had an online account.
He was desperate to try to make the marriage work when I found out. Totally finished with OW.
Gave me all passwords to everything.
I could see when Viagra ordered and how many had been used (along with hotel bookings)
COMPLETE ACCESS TO HIS PHONE WILL TELL YOU EVERYTHING - and quickly - before he starts deleting.
The hurt is beyond anything I’ve ever experienced.
I wish you all the best.

He might well be telling the truth and trying out the viagra when he is away with no chance of being disturbed.
He might also be upset to have this disease as he might feel it is the end of any sex life at all.
When he returns, sit down and have a calm, rational discussion about how this is affecting him and you and what you need to do to move forward.
People love to jump to the conclusion if an affair when it isn't always that simple.
Of course, if you find out otherwise then feel free to LTB.

But that’s not actually true. As other posters have said she will be entitled to at least a 50% split of the assets and pension. The court would say she her contribution to the marriage is equal to the husband’s. So she got to be a SAHM and will be provided for after a divorce (if she does that) and retirement.

My advise will go against MN usual responses. I will not rush into conclusions and be practical about it. You need to make a long term plan to see your kids and yourself protected financially. You need to think cold and look to the other side for a while. You are the only one to be affected by divorcing as you will be worse off financially. He will be running into his lover arms and have more money for himself. You are entitled to half of everything at least including pension plus also may be spousal support. Just check everything with a lawyer. The good thing is you have been married for a long time. Good luck 🤞

It could be that he's trying the Viagra out whilst he masturbates. Someone with ED isn't going to have sex, unless he knows what he's capable of achieving and for how long. He'd also need to keep the condition from his affair partner, would she want him, if she knew? If he travels for work, of course it's possible he's met someone whilst away. On the other hand, it could very well be sex workers. At the moment, I wouldn't be confronting him. I would, gather as much financial information as possible, and speak to a solicitor.
Edit: Just saw your update OP. The condition causes ED as well as making sex painful. I think it's probably unlikely he's having an affair or using sex workers. I'd be inclined to believe him, given his condition.

I don't see what you found as evidence of an affair, there are other explanations as pointed out by PP. Poor guy if he is just trying the pills out in private to see if they work. Honestly: two Viagra = affair is a huge jump. Stop panicking and be more rational. .

Go to Citizens Advice and do some online research to get some legal advice before you talk to him. Find out what your financial situation would be under the worst case scenario. Wait a while. Give him some time and when you feel ready talk to him, ask him if he’s happy with you and his life as it is. Take it from there

Do not go into his phone, it's guaranteed to ruin your relationship when he finds out.

You can either trust him, or leave him. No point in being in a relationship without that trust. Neither of you will be happy

@ImNotReallyHere

OP IF he is having an affair (and at this point I’m not convinced he is) then DO NOT stay with him just because your teenage children will be upset if you separate! You, and your feelings, and your life are just as important as theirs!

OP if anything, this has taught you that you need to take a closer look at your life. As a married woman, you’re not as vulnerable as some would make out. I am not a lawyer but you’d be entitled to financial support and part if not half of his pension. Half of any joint property. Any court would take into consideration the contribution you made to the marriage by raising children, keeping the house, sacrificing your own pension and career. If you were unmarried it would be a completely different story.
That said, even if you choose to stay with him, it’s worth looking at what you are skilled at, if you were to split and you did need additional income to top up the support you’d receive from him. And if you feel that you need to upskill, maybe it’s worth taking a few courses or enrolling in university. Protecting the “potential future you”.

FWIW my husband is a very high earner. I have no need to work but do anyway because, aside from enjoying it and being in a strong marriage, if we broke up tomorrow, I have my career and independence, irrespective of what a court hypothetically chose to award me.

As if an affair wasn’t guaranteed to ruin a relationship.

He may or may not be having one.

Invading his privacy like that is wrong, and shows zero respect or trust. When that's gone, the relationship is over. Irregardless of whether he's having an affair or not

Also technically illegal.

She can either say, your behaviour means I can no longer trust you and our relationship is over or she can trust him

Staying together without that trust will just mean that she'll be forever second guessing him. That's no way to live

I agree.
It's probably some opportunistic sex when away.

Well, once he retires it will stop? Maybe start talking about some exciting retirement plans for both of you?

I don’t think there’s enough evidence to say he’s cheating. He could have tried the viagra whilst away just to see if they worked, without any pressure of having to perform?

I can’t see why a man with ED would risk not being able to get hard for a sex worker? And is there any evidence he’s having and relationship with anyone else?

I think I would look for more evidence before considering getting your ducks in a row as it maybe innocent. Though you obviously had doubts which is why you checked his bags? So maybe there’s more to it?

I am not sure if I could ignore and not confront him, if you don’t confront him you may never know if he was sleeping with someone or not, though chances are he would lie if he was.

He might be having an affair. What else has changed?