I think (well pretty much know) my husband is having an affair. Will blow our family apart. WWYD?

[ImNotReallyHere]

We’re late 50s, early 60s. Husband has had ED problems for a year after an accident. He travels for work every week and I’ve just discovered Viagara in his work bag. He’s having an affair isn’t he?

I can’t confront him yet. He earns £100k. I earn minimum wage as was a SAHM to two teens. Need to get a plan in place but can’t see how without destroying the family and me being penniless.

What would you do? Been married 25 years and feeling absolutely blindsided

Can you do some more sleuthing. Ask AI for advice. I’d be checking his phone, tablets etc, (AI can tell you how to do it best) . Then check your bank accounts.

Could he have wanted you to find them. You say you ‘just discovered’ them in his bag. Do you always check his bag and does he know this? Don’t ask me why, I’m clutching as much as everyone.

You could always do nothing

Do you have shared assets i.e. the house?

You don't know anything yet. Get the finance information all together and speak with a lawyer. THEN approach him with the evidence and see how he responds to the evidence of the Viagr. Don't accuse. Don't tell him what finance evidence you've collected or what the lawyer said.

He might not be having an affair. But he's choosing to have erections when you're not around or attempt to have an erection when youre not around. I'm assuming you don't have sex with him?

If you're married then (at least?) half of everything is yours - pension, investments, house, savings.

But I'm guessing you're used to a certain daily lifestyle and you're unlikely to get spousal maintenance, so your lifestyle will change, should you divorce him

If I were you, I'd try to discover if there actually IS an affair and get his paperwork photocopied

This is what I think, too, @ImNotReallyHere

But you said there were other things that made you lean towards him having an affair.

I’m truly sorry. This must feel like a kick right in the stomach.
Make very sure your suspicions are correct before you make any further decisions.
Then follow the advice of these very wise women here on Mumsnet.
Stay calm. Act rationally.
Sending love from faraway ❤️

I think it's a leap to conclude this is an affair because you found a little viagra. Do you still have any sex at all?

My DH has viagra and sometimes has taken them hoping something will happen, but he's not very good at communicating that, so nothing happened, even though I notice later some has been taken. Maybe your husband has done the same?

Could be in his bag because he's embarrassed about needing them?

Personally, I’d feel a bit of an idiot going to see a lawyer, with the costs involved, then finding there was another explanation.

Confront him and see if you can save your relationship.25 years is a long time to throw everything away. Not saying what he's doing is OK of course or that you should forget.

I find these replies really odd. It would, surely, be an unusual man who took Viagra just to see if he could get an erection and masturbate on business trips? He does have a home - and, for that matter, an office and somewhere like a gym also affording privacy, all at greater convenience than a distant hotel room.

And, yes, of course I'd say the same about a woman testing vaginal lube on a business trip rather than her own bathroom. The idea's absurd!

I'm very sorry, @ImNotReallyHere, you must feel disoriented to say the least. There's no need to take instant action, but @Wowwee1234's reply at 23:29 is sensible. It's never a bad idea to have those ducks lined up. There are a lot of good posts here about it, dealing with various situations. Just search for "Ducks in a row".

Meantime, do treat yourself kindly. Look after your calm and do whatever helps you feel highly focused

For some reason I second this. Do a bit more digging before you jump to conclusions.

You said you had a feeling OP. How come? Is there any context missing?

You won’t be splitting the family up, he has by his actions.

Hi OP, did you notice if this was prescribed or just purchased (it will have a pharmacy label on if prescribed). It can be prescribed for pulmonary hypotension or Reynaud's as well as for ED.

You haven’t said what your marriage is like - are you happy? Do you still have sex? He might just keep them in his work bag but be using them with you? Do you love each other?

You have to talk to him unless you don’t care that much and can just ignore it and carry on business as usual.

I think you are jumping to conclusions (although I totally understand why you’ve assumed this).

ED for a man is a huge deal. It happened to my husband and he refused to talk about it out of fear, shame and embarrassment. What he did do though is research things he could do/take that would help with it so my guess is that this is what your husband is doing - trying viagra without saying anything, to see if it works. Our experience of viagara was that it didn’t work really at all - it doesn’t for everyone (and there are different types/strengths too) so he could just be trying it to see if it’s effective before approaching you about it

Trying to insult me didn’t really answer my question, but okay.

I don’t think you should jumping to any conclusions.

You could be dealing with a cheating husband who has lied about his ED or is using the drugs to have extra marital sex or he could be testing out if it works for him.

Even if you and him are not intimate it doesn’t stop him wanting to get hard and masturbate in private. Having ED doesn’t kill him sex drive, it will dent his ego so yes he might not be ready to discuss with you or potentially he either doesn’t want sex with you or think you would want it. But that should not stop him using it on himself.

What else makes you think he might be cheating?

My husband has Ed he’s really quiet about it but he did get viagra, he mentioned it in passing to e but he really doesn’t want to have a big chat about it. It may very well be that he’s been trying it out to see what happens. I don’t think men are chill about ED, it’s often embarrassing for them.

What was your sex life like before the ED?

First consult for half an hour is usually free. She needs to get some idea of what she'd be dealing with.

Just a thought but he may have bought them for his own pleasure. May want to ensure they actually work first surely.

I would just confront him. Say you have found them and you deserve an explanation.

You can't just ignore it though. You are as important as your children. They are pretty much grown up now so should be able to cope with the separation of their parents.

At least speak to a solicitor to find out what you would be entitled to if you split up.

The fact that you thought to check his bag is an indication that he is behaving suspiciously and the discovery of the viagra is proof that something is going on, whether it's with escorts or an actual affair. He is disrespecting you and your marriage.

You think your husband potentially cheating is not a massive deal?

Not everyone wants to shelve themselves in favour of sticking their heads in the sand.
OP expects her husband to be faithful and that's a normal baseline to have.

She can just ignore it though. It’s her choice. Plenty do. It’s not for me, but if they have a sexless marriage, and financially it works for her, then turning a blind eye for lifestyle is hardly unusual. And if he’s taken two and she doesn’t know when and it’s not with her then the marriage is either celibate or practically so.

Yeah I don’t think affair either. Sex workers sounds far more likely.