I think (well pretty much know) my husband is having an affair. Will blow our family apart. WWYD?

[ImNotReallyHere]

We’re late 50s, early 60s. Husband has had ED problems for a year after an accident. He travels for work every week and I’ve just discovered Viagara in his work bag. He’s having an affair isn’t he?

I can’t confront him yet. He earns £100k. I earn minimum wage as was a SAHM to two teens. Need to get a plan in place but can’t see how without destroying the family and me being penniless.

What would you do? Been married 25 years and feeling absolutely blindsided

TALK to him? Ask him re Viagra? ED sounds potentially “embarrassing” for a man - who’s perhaps used to mindset of “virile, manly, capable” etc etc. It may be a silly mindset, but nevertheless less?
kneejerking to getting your ducks in a row & divorce sounds like a flimsy marriage to begin with?

All of these people saying 'Leave', yet not one has actually said to speak to him.

Ask him about it, if there is a valid reason (as others have suggested) then there's no need to be leaving anyone. If not, then you have a decision to make.

But don't catastrophise without more information

I think people suggesting you do nothing are being silly, and those suggesting you call your lawyer being extreme. How about the adult approach would be… to ask him?

There’s a saying Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.
So organize your finances. Maybe get an appt with a solicitor to discuss options.
i wouldn’t assume anything just yet. I’d wait and see. But I’d be quietly watchful.

He might easily be practice-taking the Viagra to ensure it works and that he can therefore perform with you.

Never assume.

Interested to know why you think Op should be entitled to over 50%?

I don't think viagra has the stigma it used to. As a 47 year old woman, the last 4 men I've dated have been on it or the equivalent. My partner is also on the daily tablet.

Is the OP up for sex if it happens? Because if he's in a dead bedroom that makes it more likely he's cheating.

OP should talk to him and ask anyway and I don't know why anyone would think they would be penniless when they're married to someone who earns 100k a year. Do people really not understand what they would be entitled to in a divorce?

I'm gonna be crass here - how bad would it be practically, to split? For you and your kids? You said it would blow your family apart.

Would it be possible to just emotionally detach and go on, (unless you want to live on your own)?

I'm looking at it from my point of view.

You seem to have a fairly comfortable life, how about concentrating on yourself?

This was my thought. Plenty of men take viagra before seeing an escort.

I feel similar now.
It's a lot to throw away. You will be worse off.
I was insanely jealous when younger but a lot more relaxed about DH spending time with other women now (though a real affair would be a different story).

I don't believe total honesty and communication with your partner is the way to marital bliss so I'm already an outsider in the Mumsnet community. In your circumstances, I'd be firmly ignoring any suspicions I had. It's very easy for people to say that you should leave but if you get on and your life is otherwise pleasant, why should you leave to live a life on your own with a share of joint assets and being expected to take on a full-time job. I work full-time at 61 and the thing that sustains me is that I don't actually have to do so. I think it might be quite grim after all these years to be solely responsible for your financial future.

So you don't believe that there are loads of men out there who like to masturbate?

Why do you reckon that online porn is so popular worldwide - is it all people with clipboards and scientific analysis sheets watching it for 'research purposes' only?

See a good solicitor and find out what you will be entitled to in the event of a divorce.

You won't be left penniless and you could have a very happy and fulfilled life without this cheating piece of sh*t (speaking from experience!)

That's insane - and very controlling. Would she have objected if he hadn't had ED and could pleasure himself whenever he felt like it without any medication?

It's also pretty grim to stay with someone who is treating you with a total lack of respect and honesty.

There’s a misconception around ED that men need it to masturbate. They actually don’t. Men can masturbate and climax without an erection.

My ex had ED and had numerous affairs, including a 4.5 year long one. He just took Cialis whenever he was seeing them. Same as OP, I’d regularly find it in his work bag but obviously it’s not socially acceptable to put ‘pressure’ on poor men with erectile dysfunction so he got away with it for years. Also like you, I told myself that he physically couldn’t be having an affair because of his ED. I was very naive.

Funnily enough he never wasted his precious pills on me!

OP, right now you don’t need to do anything. Just let it sink in. I’d recommend some therapy. There’s no rush, just look after yourself.

There’s a misconception around ED that men need it to masturbate. They actually don’t. Men can masturbate and climax without an erection.

Surely you can see why they might prefer it that way, though?

You could equally say that women don't actually need to orgasm for the mechanics of PIV sex to successfully take place - but, oddly enough, most women really rather prefer it when they do.

I agree with PP it’s likely sex workers. Trying to work out his own ED or not, this is not okay. If it was masturbation he could have told OP and it wouldn’t be in his going away bag.

OP had a hunch for a reason.

OP, this isn’t about your children feeling devastated. Are you not devastated he could do this to you? Why is your devastation not more important - this is your relationship, your betrayal. Children are grown and out (or nearly out) the house. Time to take care of yourself. The teenagers will be fine.

in the UK you can buy it over the counter without a prescription.

Thanks for all the replies. I particularly liked one that said Be calm. Be rational. That was exactly my plan.

Then I drank half a bottle of whiskey and phoned him. He said he was just trying it out and it doesn’t work. I don’t remember much of the conversation tbh and then passed out and have just woken up.

We’ve been sleeping in seperate rooms a lot lately due to snoring, covid etc so that’s the bit I don’t get. If I found viagara in the bathroom I’d believe he was just experimenting. But viagara in his work bag I don’t get.

Kicking myself how I reacted last night and now really not sure what to do going forwards.

To reply to poster you can use an @ and then the name on their post. But you dont need to do that all the time if you are just answering a question. Or you can use the Quote under a post - but it makes the threads long and can be tedious.

When he works away is it in the same places? He may have made another connection, he may have tried sex with a sex worker, he may be experimenting on himself.

What do you want to do? Are you now working full time?

I'd be getting a full time job, getting bank statements and pension statements and details of any savings accounts. Then I might turn up at one of the places he visits and establish what he does when he's there. You could ignore it until stops or forces you to acknowledge it or you could decide to talk to him about it. Some women stay in their marriage even if there is an affair and some move on, I dont judge their choice.

Where does he travel to every week? Same place? Probably a regular relationship there fir years.
Secret second family?
Go there and surprise him.

Whatever..... please think about your life going forward and build for yourself. Your pension fir example. (how much in his? You can claim some in a divorce)

Your dc and you will be ok if you split.
Do not ignore.
Plan a better life for you
Where have you always wanted to live? What is your ambition? You have plenty time left

As a man who suffers from periodic ED, I can see why he'd want to try it out while he was away.

If he's on his own in a hotel room, he doesn't have to worry about you at all.

If he's trying this out for the first time, he doesn't know how this is going to work. If its going to work, how long its going to take to start to work, how long it'll last once it does. If he masturbates, is that then it or can he then go again.

If he's at home, he has to deal with the complications of will he be walking around with an erection for 4 hour. What if he's experimenting, and then you walk in on him, will you be upset that he's got a raging hard on and he's not using it with you. He probably feels like he's been letting you down for the past year. If he's going to be away for work anyway, then trying it out while he's away just removes that element of added pressure and means it's more likely to work.

I'm not saying that he's definately not having an affair, but I don't see the fact that he decided to try it while away rather than at home particularly indicative of one.

After 25 years of marriage you will know if he’s lying. Confront him in person and see how he reacts. He could genuinely have been trying it out as he said, it could be very innocent.

He could be using it to have a wank ..
I mean it's not very attractive to another woman is it ..oh I can't get hard ,need to pop a pill
I wouldn't necessarily assume an affair,unless there was other evidence