Upset with long time friends - long

[momtoboys]

I have three very close, long time friends. All married but one. Each person has one of the group they are the closest to but we have all tried really hard to stay in touch as a group. We get together for theatre, dinner, drinks to catch up; sometimes with spouses, sometimes not. We text occasionally as a group. I consider them all my best friends even though I have friends in my life that I see more regularly.

A few weeks ago we all met up with some other friends to watch an event at a local pub and one friend (the one I am closest to) said to the others "when is our first play?" They responded with a date. I said to my friend, "did you get season tickets to the theatre?" She replied "yes! I assumed the tickets were purchased as a group, but was not certain. A few days later I called my closest friend and said "did you get tickets with the girls or with your husband?" She responded that she had gotten them with our other friends and one of their daughters. I said "I wish I had known, I would have loved to have gotten a ticket with you". She responded "Oh, I'm so sorry - I guess we got talking about it and it didn't even occur to us". She seemed as though she was truly sorry. We talked for a few minutes and I told her I was disappointed but understood that those things happen. She texted me shortly after and said that the friend who had been in charge of purchasing the tickets was calling the theater to see if there was another ticket near where they were seated. There was not. I thanked her for trying and that was that.

I have not reached out to them since. This is unusual. My closest friend has reached out and I have responded but not with the normal enthusiasm. She called me a couple of weeks ago and I let it go to voice mail. I then texted her and said "thanks so much for calling. I have to admit my feelings are hurt about this theatre thing and I don't really feel like talking about it yet. Mostly I think I am upset because you said it didn't even occur to you to ask me. Maybe I need to rethink my expectations of this friendship. I said this is not he end of the friendship and over the years you have all been wonderful parts of my life but I need some time to adjust my expectations and all will be fine". She responded "I'll give you some time but please don't take too long, I miss you".

It's been a long time since I have had my feeling hurt like this (I am an old lady!) and perhaps I am being childish. AIBU to think I need to realize that this friendship is not as important to them as it has been for me? Sorry this is so long. Please don't be outright mean if you respond. I'm a little fragile at this point.

Thanks.

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I think your text was a mistake - very over the top response. I guess you're not okay and maybe there is something else going on in your life to make you react like that? It sounds like you should have left it after the in person conversation and just let a bit of time pass, water under the bridge. Instead you've made it into a huge deal.

I think it was a little thoughtless of them, they tried to fix it and your friend has also said she misses you. It sounds as if they realise it was thoughtless and they feel bad.
You're hurt, but hopefully it can be mended.

How did it come around that they all connected to buy tickets. Do they live close or did they text on another group chat or did one of the women reach out to all the others.

Thoughtless, she apologised. I would be hurt too but think now you should give them another chance.

I think it's understandable that your feelings are hurt, your friends were thoughtless but it doesn't sound as though it was deliberate. It probably just came up in conversation and someone said shall I get us season tickets and it went from there. Life is busy and we can all overlook things. I would try and get past this if you can - don't cut off your nose to spite your face. Friends are important and people are human and make mistakes.

Happened to me just last week. Out at the "theatre" with my usual long-standing group of friends, and one of them mentions an upcoming event from my favourite author. And they all know its my favourite author. Conversation continued rather peculiarly about how they must have bought me a ticket (without discussing the date). They hadn't at all. I was just forgotten. We have gone to the theatre multiple times per year since the 90's. Its upsetting. There have been 1 or 2 other similar issues, hence my user name. Ive long decided that I shall take a male view - I'll invite myself if I hear about it in time and will make my decisions to attend or not on my preference not a group stance. But these friendships are weaker and definitely more transactional. Shame really.

So am I right in thinking that they have all got season tickets, including one of their DDs, but didn’t think that you might like one? So they are going to be going to the theatre regularly, and you’re not included?

If that’s right, I can see why you are upset.

That is an interesting (and perhaps correct) take on the situation. I was quite proud of myself for being clear about how I was feeling, without (i thought!) being overly dramatic. Thanks for your input.

Be careful, it would be a shame to spoil an old friendship/s by being overly sensitive / touchy. I was given the cold shoulder by a friend a long time ago and it damaged our relationship I am afraid beyond repair. Thoughtlessness does happen. If it was a longer term pattern then that is something else.

I can understand why you're upset. The others have had a conversation without you and arranged a season ticket so they can go to the theatre together regularly. You're wondering how the conversation happened and why one of them didn't think to include you from the beginning.

You said you’re an older lady

I’m surprised it’s taken you until later in life to realise that your friends are completely valid in meeting up with other friends without you

I know I sound nasty but, even though I have a friendship group I do sometimes invite one or two to days out without inviting the others. And vise Versa, if I see they’ve gone out without me - doesn’t bother me.

We are all in our 30’s and this was a lesson I learned in my early 20’s

Thats correct.

I can understand why you're upset BUT it sounds as though these women do value you
So do you want to lose these friendships, or not? If not, I would really try to move past it. Life is too short. So what if it even were the case that you like them more than they like you- they still like you!

I'd be upset too and as such, I don't think there's anything wrong with saying so. I get the impression you actually feel worse about it as the weeks have passed and you have clearly put up walls, and I personally think it's best to be open with such old and close friends about why.

If you're the only one excluded, I'd be very curious about how this came about. It's probably too late now, unless you want to stir things up and risk making it worse, but I'd have wanted to talk privately to the friend you're closest to and ask her honestly if one or more of the group had a problem with me and intentionally left me out of the loop. Of course, in that case, they'd probably have avoided mentioning it in front of you, so most likely it was just thoughtlessness, which can still hurt.

I'm not big on friendships as an adult, personally, especially not 'friendship groups', but I'd say that if you want to keep this group in your life, you're going to have to find a way to forgive them and move on. If the group tends to go out for drinks or dinner before/after the theatre, I'd even consider going to some of the shows, unless sitting together is that important to you. You can still take part in the excitement and conversations, because surely they're not talking much during the performance. But if that will only make you feel worse again, obviously give it a miss.

I would react in the same way and I think you are right that it is about expectations and how you would treat your friends. Having something done to you that you wouldn't contemplate doing to others is hurtful. I think the only thing you can consider is that it didnt sound malicious - perhaps just thoughtless and not worth throwing away friendships for. However its also a good lesson to not get too reliant on a group of friends.

Fair enough. There are certainly times when we get together separately and that has never been a concern. Historically, if three of us are planning something such as this situation, we would all do it together - for example season sports team tickets.

There are times when we do get together without all of us. For example, I am not as big of a drinker as they are so sometimes they may get together with other members of our larger group of friends on a saturday afternoon and I or another of us wouldn't be there. I would imagine it was something that came up in conversation and just took off from there, which I can understand. Things like that do happen.

I think you are naturally feeling left out but your friends are regretting that they have been thoughtless. They tried to get a ticket for you by contacting the theatre, if they didn't want you there they wouldn't have gone to this trouble.

Sometimes things arise out of a conversation that’s kind of there and then. It doesn’t start with ‘let’s have a get together or organise as our group to get tickets’

It was remiss that they didn’t then think ‘let’s ask momtoboys’ but she did apologise and did try and put it right. They obviously didn’t plot to deliberately leave you out or they wouldn’t have mentioned it in the pub.

Understandable that you were a bit put out but these things happen.

You say you are generally fragile atm, the passive aggressive non-response to your friend wasn’t great, and, IMO, neither was your text.

Your friend was making contact. She cared enough to follow up. Be careful you do not cut off your nose to spite your face.

I hope things get better for you.

Message her and say ‘I miss you too’ and arrange a drink or coffee with her.

i think i would be upset by this too OP.

if they're good solid friends, i don't think there's anything wrong with what you texted.

if you'd texted that to the whole group, i think it might have been a bit over the top, but to the most trusted friend is perfectly reasonable.

i understand there are probably a million questions going through your mind about it now, but you do need to quickly get to a position on this.

if you leave it too long, it will be more difficult to re-integrate, and the distance may grow more than you were prepared for!

I understand why you feel hurt and dejected over this but in all liklihood it wasn't personal or deliberate...just thoughtless.

Have to admit, I'm guilty of being an 'out of sight, out of mind' person and that applies to people as well as commitments and even objects. I draw a real blank when it comes to object permanence. If it's not directly in front of me I forget it exists. I'm not consciously ignoring anything, it just drops out of my mind unless I am reminded. I'm not proud of it but there it is. I think a lot of people are a bit like me.

I doubt they acted out of disdain or malice. I wouldn't keep on with it. Allow yourself to feel disappointed then let it go.

I totally agree with this. It’s fine for you to feel pissed off OP, I think most would but I wouldn’t have said anything personally, because it causes tension often and sometimes relationships don’t recover.

By actively avoiding her call it’s like you want to ‘punish’ her and it’s but not deep to fall out over IMO. Fair enough if it was a regular occurrence but not one time.

I would liken it to when you have kids and the saying “Pick your battles”. If I was you I’d call her an apologise and say you just felt sad but it’s all good now. If you’re sulking for weeks over it then it would be a goodbye from me because I couldn’t be bothered with the drama.

I can understand why you are upset, I would try and rise above it and continue the friendship with the group.

Also continue to see your other friends, perhaps some of them would like a trip yo
the theatre.

Surely you don’t have to sit next to them at the theatre? I’m mean, you’re just sitting in the dark watching. The part that’s fun to do with other people is dinner beforehand or interval drinks.