Upset with long time friends - long

[momtoboys]

I have three very close, long time friends. All married but one. Each person has one of the group they are the closest to but we have all tried really hard to stay in touch as a group. We get together for theatre, dinner, drinks to catch up; sometimes with spouses, sometimes not. We text occasionally as a group. I consider them all my best friends even though I have friends in my life that I see more regularly.

A few weeks ago we all met up with some other friends to watch an event at a local pub and one friend (the one I am closest to) said to the others "when is our first play?" They responded with a date. I said to my friend, "did you get season tickets to the theatre?" She replied "yes! I assumed the tickets were purchased as a group, but was not certain. A few days later I called my closest friend and said "did you get tickets with the girls or with your husband?" She responded that she had gotten them with our other friends and one of their daughters. I said "I wish I had known, I would have loved to have gotten a ticket with you". She responded "Oh, I'm so sorry - I guess we got talking about it and it didn't even occur to us". She seemed as though she was truly sorry. We talked for a few minutes and I told her I was disappointed but understood that those things happen. She texted me shortly after and said that the friend who had been in charge of purchasing the tickets was calling the theater to see if there was another ticket near where they were seated. There was not. I thanked her for trying and that was that.

I have not reached out to them since. This is unusual. My closest friend has reached out and I have responded but not with the normal enthusiasm. She called me a couple of weeks ago and I let it go to voice mail. I then texted her and said "thanks so much for calling. I have to admit my feelings are hurt about this theatre thing and I don't really feel like talking about it yet. Mostly I think I am upset because you said it didn't even occur to you to ask me. Maybe I need to rethink my expectations of this friendship. I said this is not he end of the friendship and over the years you have all been wonderful parts of my life but I need some time to adjust my expectations and all will be fine". She responded "I'll give you some time but please don't take too long, I miss you".

It's been a long time since I have had my feeling hurt like this (I am an old lady!) and perhaps I am being childish. AIBU to think I need to realize that this friendship is not as important to them as it has been for me? Sorry this is so long. Please don't be outright mean if you respond. I'm a little fragile at this point.

Thanks.

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I'm AuDHD, so believe me, I share your pain at the scattiness 😂🫣

But it's a small group of four women - and they always do these big things together. I just don't know how anyone doesn't say "shall we ask Susan if she wants a ticket too?" If it were a bigger group or they didn't do things together very often, then fine. But four women who always do big stuff like this as a foursome? Honestly, I just can't see how OP was missed.

I think the only redeemable explanation would be someone thought another person had already asked OP but that doesn't sound as if it's the case.

I have casual friends that I only see infrequently and it's hit and miss whether I'm invited, and that's totally fine. But being left out of a tight-knit group of four women would feel very different. If you thought they were your "best friends" and they didn't even think of you when sorting out season tickets for the group, then what's the point in the friendship really?

I'm not explaining myself very well here 😂 What I'm trying to say is if you know they're only casual friends then it's fine. But if you view them as your besties and they don't feel the same way, then I'm not sure that's a friendship I'd want to continue as it's very one-sided.

I’m a bit shocked at all of these people who ‘forget’ to invite friends. Op says she is an older lady so may well have known these friends for 20/30/40 years and regularly gone to the theatre with them.
Now all 3 of her friends forgot to invite her; doesn’t seem very likely does it?

I think you overreacted by texting. I get the immediate disappointment but you have a lovely friend there who tried to get a ticket and them sent a lovely text saying she missed you. If it happens again, then you have grounds

This. I'd be tempted to say these words to the group and see how they react. Thoughtlessness does happen, but if I'd done this to a friend I'd have done a lot more to apologise and try to make up for it.

It's not great but it's almost certainly just thoughtlessness rather than any deliberate unkindness.

It really is down to you to determine how you move on from this, and honestly I think you just have to get over it otherwise you will be constantly on the watch for some other slight. It's not worth losing your friends over, surely?

So it’s already too late then, as she has already done that?

I wonder if you not going to the Saturday afternoon sessions in the pub puts you in a more peripheral position than you realise, op.

No but if OP can’t move on from it then I can’t see how she can continue this friendship without taking a huge step back. Again - that might be appropriate, what the OP wants but OP needs to decide and communicate that. Continuing the silent treatment of her friends might see that decision made for her.

I do get what you’re saying, but I bet it was more nuanced than that, probably a conversation that was happening amongst other conversations and somebody decided to quickly do it and then someone might have thought ‘we should ask OP’ and then didn’t get around to it because they got another five emails from the school about random bake sales and book day shit plus their job, etc.. Now if their response had been a bit less apologetic, I would definitely be thinking what you’re saying, but their response just doesn’t seem to align to that? I don’t know, regardless, I think probably the damage is done here by OP’s response because how do you come back from that?

I don't think it's just 2 friends meeting up though, it sounds like it's the whole group and just not OP..... she mentioned in her OP that they all meet up separately + together.... it sounds like this is the first time it's been a group thing and OP not included..... sounds really hurtful

OP.... your not wrong to be upset, I'd be hurt at that. BUT..... they did try to rectify it so I don't think you should of sent the message. Your friend was graceful about it. If you can try to move past it and arrange a catch up with everyone

I'm in my 30's and we have a friend in our group who accidently got left out of an invite..... people tried to rectify it, she kept declining invites/ started being funny with people so now she doesn't get invited to half as many things, it's really sad for her. Me and another friend still meet up with her ( all 3 of us are meeting up tomorrow funnily enough ) but the rest of the group don't invite her to places anymore.

When I am miffed with people I just don't bother to contact them and when they contact me I let them do the chasing and the organising. This gives you time to stand back and observe without letting them know you are miffed.

I agree.

Of course it's not unreasonable to feel hurt that you weren't considered. Your friend attempted to resolve their inconsiderate actions. You created distance and then when she reached out, you created more distance. You are of course able to remove yourself from connecting with her...that is your choice. However, 'punishing' her will probably result in your isolation and more offense on your part.

Do stop sending messages. Have a cuppa.

I completely understand your initial hurt but I think you are in danger of cutting off your nose here.

You say that you see the core group as being the four of you, but you also describe it as being quite fluid and part of a larger group with many different relationships. Based on what you've said it isn't inconceivable that this was an honest mistake, and your friend's subsequent attempts to put right the mistake seem to be sincere.

In all honesty, if I was your friend in this situation I would actually be very hurt and quite angry to be treated the way you are now behaving - to be deliberately punished for a mistake that I owned up to, apologised for, and tried to put right. I think it would make me think about reconsidering the friendship.

Presumably you can still buy a season ticket, and then join in the next event booking?

I agree and to be honest, if I was the friend here I’d be feeling a complex mix of feeling crap about myself for being a ‘bad’ friend and annoyance at the OP’s response plus probably the stress of whatever other life shit I had going on. At this point, if the OP decided to continue our friendship I’d accept but internally would always be walking on eggshells because I’d be expecting this to happen again - given the OP thought the worst of my original intentions. Life is shit, I need friends that think the best of me, not the worst, and vice versa. What’s the point, otherwise?

Quoting myself to say that I do think it’s really great that OP directly told her friends she was hurt. It’s the silent treatment she’s giving them now that’s likely to cause the longer term issue. If I were your friend I’d give you space but that might end up missing out on more. If we were at the pub this week for example and talked about going to x show/event I wouldn’t want to invite you as I’d respect your boundaries not to contact you (and I’m worried it would feel awkward). Then you not being asked becomes a self fulfilling thing.

Aah no, I'd be really upset too! Can't believe that none of them thought to add you to the group and they'll now be going to the theatre regularly without you.

I agree with your text, and think it’s best things don’t fester. I also think it’s completely fine to word it from a genuine place. This way you are at least not letting yourself down in this process.

I want to say to you it’s fine, and it will blow over but it really isn’t. How could they have all forgotten to ask you? It doesn’t really add up, given the number of years you have been meeting for.

I would be wondering what else has been arranged and organised without me.

I think your closest friend felt bad and choose to tell you discreetly possibly op. Surely it must have occurred to her that you would enjoy this?

If nothing like this has happened before, I would chalk it up, but would remain wary, I am not sure the trust would he fully restored.

I certainly wouldn’t be humiliating myself by buying tickets and sitting away from the group, it may create a feeling of being a pariah or outcast. I would keep my dignity.

Maybe meet close friend for tea and talk it through, and if that goes well attend the next group meet up. I would be expecting an apology from both friends. That would make this much easier to bear.

I am sorry op it is upsetting.

I think pretty much everyone will empathize with your being hurt over unintentionally being left out.

I'm glad your friend apologized, that they attempted to rectify their mistake, and that she's not pushing you to get over it. She sounds like she's handling that well. Your initial discussion asking what happened and being honest that you would have liked to go and were hurt to not be considered; that's good communication and self-advocacy.

But I think that making your friends either try to chase you now or be left in some sort of suspended sentence (not initiating contact, letting calls go to voicemail, refusing to talk about it, saying maybe you'll end the friendship) is not mature, healthy or proportionate. If you're being perfectly honest with yourself, how do you want your friends to react to this? Do you want them to grovel more? To just wait and soak in their guilt? Do you genuinely need distance from them to get over your feelings and will feel respected and cared for if they just give you that?

In my experience after these sorts of hurts once you've expressed your feelings and they've sincerely apologized it's usually more helpful to reinforce your positive interactions and feelings around the relationship by sort of 'faking it til you make it'. Intentionally distancing yourself or repeatedly bringing up the issue with no actionable request rarely leads anywhere but long-term relationship damage. And while it's certainly your prerogative to end or downgrade friendships for any reason, that does seem disproportionate and a shame in this case.

To be clear, I'm not criticizing your feelings of lingering hurt. But I think your more recent behavior is not ideal for you or the friendships.

I disagree that your text was ott. It was honest, you were IMO justifiably hurt and said so I can;t stand it when people say 'oh nothing' if you ask what is wrong. f something has upset you, then say so, that's the only way anyone cna try to make amends, put things right or be more thoughtful in future.

Personally I wouldn't end the friendship over this, it wa extremely thoughtless, but hopefully no more than that. I wouldn't give them a second chance though if anything similar happens going forward.

Regarding the theatre, do your partner or kids (if old enough) or another family member enjoy theatre ? If so could you get season tickets for you and one (or more) of them and meet up with your friends in the interval for a drink? Then you'll have someone to sit with but still be able to chat about the show with the friends.

Most of us do things with different combinations of friends, though. It’s not that three others are joined at the hip to the OP for every possible activity. There are friends it would never occur to me to invite to the opera, for instance. The OP may regard them as a foursome, but that won’t mean the other three don’t also see themselves as an occasional threesome, or three of an entirely different, larger group.

I think it's perfectly reasonable and totally human of you to feel hurt, OP.

I also think stepping back and reassessing the friendship if perfectly valid.

That said, the message was a little bit 'departure announcing' in tone and I don't see how it helped the situation at all.

If I were you I'd keep my distance for a while and keep my cards closer to my chest until emotions have settled.

But if you apply your logic to the op, she needs friends who actually think about her or what’s the point?

I don’t think op is giving them the ‘silent treatment’ it seems to me she is taking time out to work out how she feels. Silent treatment is usually accompanied by a lack of reason or any communication about the problem. Leaving the other party confused and unsure about what has happened. That hasn’t happened here at all.

I don’t think it’s a terrible idea communicating the issue, and then stepping back for a bit, it will give the others a chance to reflect on their behaviour and thoughtlessness. Therefore potentially preventing another situation like this.

See, I actually think their response is quite revealing - but not in the way you mean.

When the subject of going to the play was raised in the pub, not one friend said "oh shit, you didn't get a ticket to this Janet, did you? How on earth did we miss you out, so sorry!" No one thought of including her or trying to get an extra ticket until OP specifically said on the phone to her friend later that she would have liked to have gone along.

That suggests that she wasn't accidentally forgotten - she just wasn't someone that they'd automatically include in the group. They like her enough to try and put it right when she expressed the fact she was feeling a bit sad, and that's nice. But their response suggests this is a group of friends who like OP but don't necessarily think of her as part of the core group. OP views them differently, and that's the issue here. She thought she was closer to them and evidently that's not the case.

Also, the reference to friends with grown-up DD and them being long-term friends suggests they're not in the thick of it with school runs, sleepless nights and everything else. Honestly, I think the explanation is as simple as OP wasn't someone that they automatically include - and that's what stings.

If I were OP I don't actually think I would be able to come back from that, tbh. I'd feel really humiliated and would probably just withdraw, although would be happy to nod and say hello if I passed them at the theatre etc.

Maybe you're right with the explanation though - I think you're just a bit nicer and more forgiving than me 😂