Upset with long time friends - long

[momtoboys]

I have three very close, long time friends. All married but one. Each person has one of the group they are the closest to but we have all tried really hard to stay in touch as a group. We get together for theatre, dinner, drinks to catch up; sometimes with spouses, sometimes not. We text occasionally as a group. I consider them all my best friends even though I have friends in my life that I see more regularly.

A few weeks ago we all met up with some other friends to watch an event at a local pub and one friend (the one I am closest to) said to the others "when is our first play?" They responded with a date. I said to my friend, "did you get season tickets to the theatre?" She replied "yes! I assumed the tickets were purchased as a group, but was not certain. A few days later I called my closest friend and said "did you get tickets with the girls or with your husband?" She responded that she had gotten them with our other friends and one of their daughters. I said "I wish I had known, I would have loved to have gotten a ticket with you". She responded "Oh, I'm so sorry - I guess we got talking about it and it didn't even occur to us". She seemed as though she was truly sorry. We talked for a few minutes and I told her I was disappointed but understood that those things happen. She texted me shortly after and said that the friend who had been in charge of purchasing the tickets was calling the theater to see if there was another ticket near where they were seated. There was not. I thanked her for trying and that was that.

I have not reached out to them since. This is unusual. My closest friend has reached out and I have responded but not with the normal enthusiasm. She called me a couple of weeks ago and I let it go to voice mail. I then texted her and said "thanks so much for calling. I have to admit my feelings are hurt about this theatre thing and I don't really feel like talking about it yet. Mostly I think I am upset because you said it didn't even occur to you to ask me. Maybe I need to rethink my expectations of this friendship. I said this is not he end of the friendship and over the years you have all been wonderful parts of my life but I need some time to adjust my expectations and all will be fine". She responded "I'll give you some time but please don't take too long, I miss you".

It's been a long time since I have had my feeling hurt like this (I am an old lady!) and perhaps I am being childish. AIBU to think I need to realize that this friendship is not as important to them as it has been for me? Sorry this is so long. Please don't be outright mean if you respond. I'm a little fragile at this point.

Thanks.

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I'm astounded by the vote OP. You have been left out in reality of several events, and in a group of four you are the only one to be left out. That is not a small, easily understood mistake.

Your feelings are valid, your reaction is completely normal and your response, to put it out there and let them know that they are hurting you is mature and healthy. I do wonder about a lot of the people on here keen to sweep things under rugs, swallow hurt or simply not care about others' feelings.

Google Social pain, and the cyber ball experiment. This is what you are experiencing, it is the negative experience of social exclusion. It trigger the same part of the brain that physical pain does. It is very real and painful.

Be kind to yourself.

I think you should heed your own words - "things like that do happen". They clearly care deeply about you and have tried to mend the situation even though they haven't exactly done something "wrong". It is definitely not a situation worth damaging good friendships over - I've had much more challenging moments that this in my good friendships and always worked through them by both sides prioritising the friendship over short term issue.

This, and I think they are closer to each other than to you, you are a friend but not the main group. It’s hard to realise.

But she feels it is a huge deal?!

Are you one of the super cool mumsnetters who never catches feelings?

I would definitely have feelings about this, I think most people would, but I think the previous poster is suggesting that the response to the friend’s apologies might be disproportionate. It sounds as though the friend is doing her best to make amends. Based on the OP’s recent posts it sounds like she’s also trying to move on.

I don't think apology flowers ever have to be "ludicrous." Why shouldn't people be apologetic. I mean lying prostrate in the street outside her house might be overdoing it, but there's nothing wrong with a bunch of flowers.

The OP says they meet up separately and it’s all fine. Not sure some pp read the OP’s first post properly?

Anyhow, in your situation, I’d be devastated and I don’t think that’s dramatic. It’s an ongoing regular event which you’ve been left out of, despite everyone knowing it was your favourite author. I’d feel extremely hurt, surely that’s human nature, you see a post on social media, you weren’t invited and the advice on here is to stop looking at social media! I know we’re not kids, but it’s very hard to smile politely and move on when 3 of the 4 are going out regularly without you. Buying a ticket and knowing they’re sitting together is very hard to swallow.

Being older doesn’t stop being left out less hurtful.

When you buy a season ticket do you have the same seat for every play? With mine I book a seat each time. So I’d only not be able to sit with them for the first play.

I totally understand why you’re upset. I would be too.

Maybe she’s one of those Mners who grasps that friends don’t have to be joined at the hip, and that people do things in different combinations? The OP wasn’t there when the plan to buy season tickets came up because they don’t do everything together, and it went ahead without her for the same reason.

I thought your text/email was honest and reasonable.

Going through something very similar and adjusting to a different dynamic in my friendship group. It is disappointing when you feel your friends let you down. It isn’t the theatre trip, it is the fact you didn’t even cross their minds.

Give yourself some time to see if you actually miss these friends, sometimes we stay in friendships out of habit or sentimentality when the relationships have often run their course.

Get yourself a season ticket too. Then if it is a bit separate from theirs maybe ask if they’ll take it in turns to have the separate seat so you’re not always sat on your own.

That's what I was thinking too. If they're actually sorry for excluding you and it's not just hollow words then they'll take it in turns to have the separate seat!

Thoughtless but you were OTT and a bit dramatic. Let it go

I strongly disagree with the suggestions to buy your own season tickets and join them. Talk about being a third wheel!

Growing up, I was told:
If you're not invited, don't go.
If you're not told, don't ask.
If you're invited at the last minute, decline.

Your friends don't value the friendship the way you do, or the way you thought they did. The friendship might limp on but it won't ever be the same. Strengthen your other friendships and limit this one to inconsequential chit chat when it suits you.

They did not.

OP, you'll get alot of accusations of being overdramatic here. Apparently some Mumsnet users don't do feelings - just robotic Jane Austen style responses 🙄 but I highly doubt they're as PC in their own lives as they 'instruct' all other women to be in there's.

What they did was hurtful. You've shown more respect than ghosting them. Time OP - all you can give it is time and see whether in that space you feel differently. But honestly, the sad part is - the friendship is probably always a little bit jaded now. When people show you who they are - believe them. They showed you - at best they're thoughtless, at worst, it was instigated.

We all have an ability to plaster on a smile and we can even go as far as to enjoy a good night out, a catch up, and we can laugh, gossip, swap stories and really enjoy ourselves but when people have hurt us - it forever changes our perception of them and how we feel about them deep down. On a superficial level everything can seem fine but underneath it's just not the same anymore.

Every mumsnetter who scoffs at the idea of people being hurt at their actions and should 'just get over it and move on' - well in the end - those people are probably only left with fairweather friends.

Maybe that's where you get to with these friends. In time you could probably get to a place where they're fun to socialise with but you're never going to be as invested as you once were.

And people may think this post is overly dramatic but it's not really - it's explaining a simple fact - when a person (or group) hurts you - it changes the way you feel about them. That's pretty black and white.

Equally, now - it's just going to feel a bit awkward - particularly with you knowing that for the next 12months you're excluded from all the theatre trips and no doubt will need to hear all about it when you do meet up.

But these people are important to you clearly and there's a probably a huge amount of shared history - so you have that to lose - along with possibly a significant part of your social life (and having a social life is important).

See how you feel OP. Christmas/New Year isn't too far away and that's the time when you can step into sending cards/messages and reconnecting, if you feel you want to then.

You're not over reacting to be in a place of re-evaluating the friendship though at all.

I think it's thoughtless of them, especially if you normally do things as a group but I do think they've tried really hard to sort you a ticket once they realised you were hurt and feeling left out. I think it's just one of those things unfortunately, I'd feel hurt and forgotten about too but they do sound like good friends who just messed up this time. I'd be careful about not damaging the relationship beyond repair by being out of touch with your best friend, if it's something you value deeply- it sounds like it is. 💐

You sound like you have a lovely friend set-up OP and I wouldn’t get caught in details. Your friend sounds she hasn’t let the text affect the friendship which is a testament to her goodwill. I would put it all in the past.

I completely understand why you're upset. That is hurtful on their part to have 3 of the group and a daughter going and not think to invite you is really not on at all.

It's upsetting. However, if it's this one time and they have usually been very good friends, I'd be inclined to try get past it. It would be a shame to throw away an otherwise good solid friendship. But I wouldn't blame you either if you couldn't get past it. I'd find it difficult.

We all do. I have several uni friends that exactly fit this description. I'm polite when I see them, ask pleasantries about their families, but there is little other real connection. The relationships have run their course.

Her goodwill?? She completely ‘forgot’ about one of her closest friends…

Somebody up thread mentioned handling like a man and I think they were on to something. I am part of a big group of friends who have known each other over 30 years. Once a year we do a big event where we all get together. One year I was not included on the email chain and no one noticed for months until I asked why it was so late before we were talking about it.

I was pissed off. But also know it happened to other people on other years. I think sometimes conversations happen in the moment, people get caught up and over look things. I think that, although it seems deeply meaningful when it happens to you, it is just an oversight in that moment, and you just cant take it too personally. What is more telling is not that people never make the mistake, but what they do when you flag it up.

i would feel the same as you OP but ideally put it in the past now you’ve had your say

That was me quite early on in this thread. BUT I am female and the group i go to the "theatre" with are all gay males, no kids. We are similar age and professions. I did also say it affects the depth of my friendships - they are far more transactional. No way would this have happened with my close female friends, but then again with them I do less formal meet ups. I have been happy for a long time to have different types of friendship, but being totally left out by the "theatre" group did upset me a lot. So I get OPs stance on this.

Going against the grain here, I would not have sent the humble check-in messages.

They literally forgot about you, but managed not to forget about one another or the other person's daughter.

The preponderance of comments telling you to basically suck it up and "get over yourself" is concerning. Why should you accept whatever crumbs they may toss your way, when you aren't included in a major set of outings?

My sympathies for the hurt and distress this situation is causing you.