Upset with long time friends - long

[momtoboys]

I have three very close, long time friends. All married but one. Each person has one of the group they are the closest to but we have all tried really hard to stay in touch as a group. We get together for theatre, dinner, drinks to catch up; sometimes with spouses, sometimes not. We text occasionally as a group. I consider them all my best friends even though I have friends in my life that I see more regularly.

A few weeks ago we all met up with some other friends to watch an event at a local pub and one friend (the one I am closest to) said to the others "when is our first play?" They responded with a date. I said to my friend, "did you get season tickets to the theatre?" She replied "yes! I assumed the tickets were purchased as a group, but was not certain. A few days later I called my closest friend and said "did you get tickets with the girls or with your husband?" She responded that she had gotten them with our other friends and one of their daughters. I said "I wish I had known, I would have loved to have gotten a ticket with you". She responded "Oh, I'm so sorry - I guess we got talking about it and it didn't even occur to us". She seemed as though she was truly sorry. We talked for a few minutes and I told her I was disappointed but understood that those things happen. She texted me shortly after and said that the friend who had been in charge of purchasing the tickets was calling the theater to see if there was another ticket near where they were seated. There was not. I thanked her for trying and that was that.

I have not reached out to them since. This is unusual. My closest friend has reached out and I have responded but not with the normal enthusiasm. She called me a couple of weeks ago and I let it go to voice mail. I then texted her and said "thanks so much for calling. I have to admit my feelings are hurt about this theatre thing and I don't really feel like talking about it yet. Mostly I think I am upset because you said it didn't even occur to you to ask me. Maybe I need to rethink my expectations of this friendship. I said this is not he end of the friendship and over the years you have all been wonderful parts of my life but I need some time to adjust my expectations and all will be fine". She responded "I'll give you some time but please don't take too long, I miss you".

It's been a long time since I have had my feeling hurt like this (I am an old lady!) and perhaps I am being childish. AIBU to think I need to realize that this friendship is not as important to them as it has been for me? Sorry this is so long. Please don't be outright mean if you respond. I'm a little fragile at this point.

Thanks.

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Op that is hurtful. Yes we adults but it does sting. If a one off well ok but not nice. I had a close friend in my cousin a few years ago but realised I was more invested in the friendship. It did hurt at the time of course. Im over her now.

They made a mistake, but apologised, you are over reacting.

I can see why you're upset. If it was one play then you could write it off as an oversite. But a season ticket is something else - and they have no excuse it seems they just forgot. I would definitely be hurt in your situation. However, I think you have to try to get over it if you can and put it behind you. Otherwise you will risk just losing their friendship entirely. As it's a one off (all be it a big one off!) I think you should try to rejoin the group and hopefully it's a lesson learnt for them.

I reckon it's someone else in the group is the issue.

Forgetting to invite a supposed old friend to a multi-event group plan is not a simple mistake, like getting distraced and forgetting to wish her Happy Birthday or something.

I don't think op is overreacting- very hurtful behaviour by her friends - doesn't matter how old she is

I don't think you are being overly dramatic. That was a crappy thing to do and if they all thought about each other but didn't think of you, I'd be so hurt too.

I don't think you'd have sent that message unless you thought it would have an impact. If you knew it would, then you know your closest friend cares for you a lot and it was a mere oversight due to your absence and therefore something to let go immediately.
No one sends a message like that to a fairweather friend. And a fairweather friend wouldn't bother responding so kindly.
Be grateful for dear, longstanding, close friends and don't haul them over the coals when they've made a mistake which they have apologised for. Life's just too short.

Honestly your original reaction was fine, the text telling them that you were basically putting them on the naughty step for a while was totally ott, they have admitted being thoughtless and tried to rectify the situation and you're still sulking. If I was them I'd be reassessing the friendship as well.

Ok Op, don't read this one if you are having a bad day. I understand sensitive, but you need to read this sometime you are ready. It will hurt, but I don't intend it as mean..

Hrft but on a different thread I said exclusion is bullying. Same applies here.
Your friend doesn't value your friendship as much as you do. That's sad and I'm sorry..

Yes it was thoughtless of them but an easy mistake to make. They have tried to repair the mistake. You have threatened to end the friendship. You need to apologise I think for your overreaction abd make nice with them asap or risk permanently damaging the friendship. At this point they would be justified in ending the friendship. Just make it up to them asap. Make a joke of your OTT reaction… say you were hurt but realise it was a simple mistake and ask their forgiveness…. If you value their friendship. Best of luck either way repairing… they sound like lovely people who you want in your life x

With respect, that’s not quite the same.

It’s one thing to arrange meet ups with different friends and not include others. Nothing wrong with different friends meeting up at times.

And if it was one theatre show a few friends had decided to go to without OP, your point may be valid.

But. These are theatre season tickets. Which means a regular meet up of the friend group for theatre events they all enjoy, with one person always excluded.

Just get the season tickets if you want. You can always meet up before or after the show.

Hello, I totally get that you feel hurt and it’s not nice to feel like you weren’t considered or thought about. But breathe through it, even old friends can mess up, forget or be thoughtless. Maybe ring your friend and give her a cuddle and move on. I imagine over the years there are lots of nice times together that you remember. They clearly love you and tried to get you a ticket. It will work itself out. It’s good you told them how you felt but let it go now maybe. Take care of yourself xx

This speaks volumes. I hope you can move on sometimes the hurt can be too much to handle or you become over sensitive but your feelings matter they thought about one of the dds so they could have considered you at the same time. Maybe suggest if one of them can’t attend for any reason you get offered the ticket first.

Forgive her.

So to conclude your closet friend told you about the theatre plan and apologised. The others haven’t bothered to apologise but have made a half baked effort, unsuccessfully, to secure a season ticket for you belatedly.

This changes things for me. You may have a real friend in your closest friend, but the others are not good friends to you. I would be downgrading this group. They are trying to let you know that you are not important to them. I would be paying attention to this op.

Do you make an effort? Organise get togethers? Pull your weight in the group? If you are coasting a long they may be getting fed up. Dipping in and out without really being a part of the core group will only take you so far. Or you might be investing a lot and deserve better than this shoddy behaviour.

Without knowing this it is difficult to say op.

I am not sure why you checked in with them if they haven’t even acknowledged their misstep. Have they replied?

I would be hurt too. Mainly because when thinking about a season ticket for a group, I would feel that I did not feature at all. In other words when planning events with friends I visualise who is going to maximise the fun/camaraderie, and it seems that you not being there wasn’t an issue. So I would be rethinking my importance to this group. Having said this, you can get past this by resetting your expectations of this group, and perhaps focus on your good friend more.

Sadly, people nowadays don't have the same values as used to be. Basically, out of sight, out of mind.
Don't cut yourself off completely, but you are within your rights to be upset. Should a similar thing happen again then you will have to decide whether they are the friends you thought they were.
I had what I thought was a nice circle of friends until something happened and then found out that they weren't as loyal as I thought. I now have a totally different circle of friends.

I'm really bemused at the poll result on this one. I'm afraid whoever organised the purchase of theatre season tickets, which will result in excluding the OP both from the theatre trips and from the subsequent discussions about those theatre trips over an extended time period, (and result in her setting less of them because they've already seen each other) hasn't just made a mistake. It's not the kind of thing it's easy to make a mistake about in a very small group of friends. Whilst it may well have been subconscious, that person does not want the OP in that friendship group.

And I can hardly believe my eyes that anyone has criticised the OP for telling them she's upset about it. It's an extraordinary hurtful thing for a group of friends to do. A one off show would have been bad, but a season ticket?
.

But it’s not ‘a small group of friends’. Maybe from the OP’s POV they’re her primary friendship group, but for the others, from what she says herself, (and as it is for most people), it’s a matter of different, overlapping circles — the others often, for instance, go to the pub in a bigger group, and the OP tends not to, because she doesn’t drink.

I think that, while obviously the OP was right to express her hurt if she felt hurt, some of the other responses on the thread are incredibly juvenile, and come from the same insecure, socially-unskilled place that sees so many Mners see the school run as a matter of ‘cliques’ and ‘exclusions’.

They sound like they were indeed thoughtless .
However, they’ve apologised and tried to fix things by contacting the theatre to find you a seat / ticket .
I would be a bit upset myself but I would definitely not let this ruin a long term friendship group .
This has happened to me when I moved house and the previous friendship group didn’t invite me to their Christmas evening out .
I found out about it by chance early the following year in their chat 💬 group.
I still enjoy the company of one particular woman in this group so will definitely catch up with her when we can

Agree with this.

There were numerous steps involved in agreeing to and purchasing the season tickets, and at each step of the way someone could have spoken up on OP's behalf. But none of them did, either intentionally or just as an oversight.

I would not want to be invovled with a group of people for whom I was just an occasional afterthought. It just isn't worth it, to always wonder if it's just a "pity invitation" from now on. "Oh we better invite Sheila or she'll pout." No thank you. Leave me out of it henceforth.

Yes quite. The lack of apology from the organiser (other two friends) is very telling. They are NOT sorry. I would be beyond mortified if I had accidentally hurt a friend like this, and would immediately call them directly and make amends.

There is a lack of genuine remorse. Even from closest friend so far.

I often think friendships get clumped together on here. The truth is that very close friends of many years do not ‘forget’ to invite each other. They just don’t. Someone would have noticed.

It’s horrible when we find out our friends are not who we thought they were.

Someone tells you you've upset them but then you turn it back on them?! Classic gaslighting right there.