Upset with long time friends - long

[momtoboys]

I have three very close, long time friends. All married but one. Each person has one of the group they are the closest to but we have all tried really hard to stay in touch as a group. We get together for theatre, dinner, drinks to catch up; sometimes with spouses, sometimes not. We text occasionally as a group. I consider them all my best friends even though I have friends in my life that I see more regularly.

A few weeks ago we all met up with some other friends to watch an event at a local pub and one friend (the one I am closest to) said to the others "when is our first play?" They responded with a date. I said to my friend, "did you get season tickets to the theatre?" She replied "yes! I assumed the tickets were purchased as a group, but was not certain. A few days later I called my closest friend and said "did you get tickets with the girls or with your husband?" She responded that she had gotten them with our other friends and one of their daughters. I said "I wish I had known, I would have loved to have gotten a ticket with you". She responded "Oh, I'm so sorry - I guess we got talking about it and it didn't even occur to us". She seemed as though she was truly sorry. We talked for a few minutes and I told her I was disappointed but understood that those things happen. She texted me shortly after and said that the friend who had been in charge of purchasing the tickets was calling the theater to see if there was another ticket near where they were seated. There was not. I thanked her for trying and that was that.

I have not reached out to them since. This is unusual. My closest friend has reached out and I have responded but not with the normal enthusiasm. She called me a couple of weeks ago and I let it go to voice mail. I then texted her and said "thanks so much for calling. I have to admit my feelings are hurt about this theatre thing and I don't really feel like talking about it yet. Mostly I think I am upset because you said it didn't even occur to you to ask me. Maybe I need to rethink my expectations of this friendship. I said this is not he end of the friendship and over the years you have all been wonderful parts of my life but I need some time to adjust my expectations and all will be fine". She responded "I'll give you some time but please don't take too long, I miss you".

It's been a long time since I have had my feeling hurt like this (I am an old lady!) and perhaps I am being childish. AIBU to think I need to realize that this friendship is not as important to them as it has been for me? Sorry this is so long. Please don't be outright mean if you respond. I'm a little fragile at this point.

Thanks.

I

I thought that too.

I’m surprised it’s taken you until later in life to realise that your friends are completely valid in meeting up with other friends without you

I agree with this and I'm 70.

At first I thought you were being over the top, but realising this is a season ticket, not a one off trip, and they'll be going to the theatre regularly...yeah, I'd be pissed about that too. I think you were right to express your hurt feelings rather than just blank them. I hope this can all be resolved somehow.

I found feel hurt aswell op ❤️

I understand the initial feelings about this (I would have been stung, but probably would have wondered if I had done something to upset them) but their response was proportionate, apologetic and kind even after you rebuffed it the first time. If I was your friend I’d be feeling bad I’d upset you and would worry about it but at some point, probably a day or two after your last response I’d likely start to feel that perhaps you weren’t the friend I’d thought you either, given the lack of forgiveness for a small act of thoughtlessness that I’d tried to resolve a few times.

Also, even with very close friends, there will be things you don’t know about that are going on in their lives. Probably things that make their lives difficult or sad or upsetting. I think you need to be careful about carrying on a personal hard-done-by crusade, and think of sometimes about how other people might be feeling about things that have nothing to do with you.

I just reread that last paragraph and don’t mean it to sound harsh, just that people have such complicated lives and it seems they definitely didn’t mean to hurt you, so don’t cut off your nose to spite your face.

In addition, once you’ve reacted like this, even if it seems, the friendship is repaired, they will probably feel they need to be very careful not to make any future mistakes with you. That can really harm friendships if somebody is always trying to be careful with you.

I understand why you’re hurt but I think you may have overreacted. I can see how it might have easily been done (busy night in the pub, ‘shall we get season tickets?’ Quick headcount, ‘right, I’ll call the box office tomorrow and sort it’ etc). Especially as they’ve tried to fix it and reached out multiple times. If it was genuinely malicious rather than thoughtless/an oversight then I imagine they wouldn’t be texting you saying they miss you?

I don’t think the cold shoulder approach is especially mature and comes across a quite childish. Nobody likes to feel like they’re in the doghouse for an extended period of time - especially when they’ve apologised and tried to sort it. Telling them that you want to re-evaluate the friendship to me comes across as you don’t really want to be friends anymore (as otherwise what is there to evaluate?). You can’t tell somebody that and then expect them to wait indefinitely on if you’ll forgive them or not (and then expect to go back to normal).

Mumsnet can be very black and white/keen to cut people off but we all make mistakes. If you keep up ignoring them you may find you’ll miss out on even more (as I can only imagine how awkward it would feel to invite you to stuff now).

As it's a season ticket, I would definitely be annoyed that they hadn't thought to ask me too. I'd also buy a season ticket for the theatre myself. Preferably a better seat than theirs. But I'm petty.

I am childless/free and get left out of things frequently because I don't get the school pick up invites, and I know there are lots of side whatsapps without me (thankfully) so I don't get bored with kid related chat. I always just presume they forgot to invite me and it wasn't deliberate, and invite myself along if I hear about things. I'd have no friends left otherwise! If it's only happened once, then I definitely wouldn't be assuming the worst and making a big deal out of it.

While I understand you are hurt - Sorry but I think you have absolutely jumped the gun here and overreacted - it seems like it was a genuine mistake - you have thrown ALL your toys out of the pram. Your friend is still trying to salvage the friendship - and you have probably dug the hole deeper - they will now be very cautious of you because of this reaction.

”AIBU to think I need to realize that this friendship is not as important to them as it has been for me”
This is so loaded it’s difficult to work out exactly what you’re asking.
If you’re asking whether or not the friendship means more to you than it does to the others, then perhaps place it in the context of all the things you’ve all said and done together over the years. From what you write, it was a genuine mistake. If it doesn’t seem that way to you, then yes, it’s hurtful. Does that mean you cut them off?
Perhaps what you need to realise is that you’re a tad more emotionally fragile than you knew.

I agree with this. A one off fine, but this sounds like there will be regular theatre outings that you wouldn’t be able to go with them. I would feel hurt too. It sounds like your friend realised her mistake and tried to rectify it though.

Buy a season ticket yourself. As a pp said, at least then you can enjoy pre- or post-show dinners and drinks and join in the chat.
And if I was your friend, I’d offer to swap seats with you sometimes so it wasn’t always you sitting alone.
It does sound like an oversight, given that they tried to fix the mistake but I also very much understand your hurt.

As you are supposedly in a close group I’m amazed not one of them thought to ask you along . I’d also be hurt .

Your hurt is completely understandable but neither you nor they can undo it now. I would still go to the theatre but invite different friend(s). That way you won't miss out on the events, and if you run into the others you can take or leave them as you please. Don't depend so much on a group that has so easily dropped you, by accident or otherwise. Maybe arrange a coffee with the person you were closest to just for a friendly chat and catch up. Your engagement with the group will either recover or not but meanwhile you will have nutured or formed new friendships and won't be missing out on a year's worth of theatre. Maybe next year they will offer to include you in the tickets, but you won't be so reliant on them anyway.

I think I would have been a little offended but my friend apologising and the one trying to sort me a ticket would made up for it and I would’ve forgiven and moved on quickly after realising there was no ill intent.

I do think your coolness and long text was a bit over the top and creating more drama than there needs to be.

If this happened to me, I'd be upset by it, but I'd hear them out and try to get the friendship back on track. If it still didn't feel right, then I'd pull away. I can understand you feeling hurt because they forgot you.

I would say to them that you would like to come to some of the shows. If they let you know the schedules of playa they are seeing and you can see if you can get tickets near their seats. No point in ruining a whole friendship for this one mistake they made.
It sounds luke they got carried awav and for some reason thought it wasnt your thing, maybe it was discussed over wine and maybe they are thinking of it as an excuse to have a few drinks together at the theatre bar rather than the plays being the main focua, and as you dont drink they didnt think it would be your thing.
But i would say you would love to come to a few of the plays and get yourself a ticket to the next one.

I don't have friends, mainly for this reason.
I also have little to do with wider family for much the same reason.
Life is so much easier, but then I am very, very self sufficient.

I do think that was thoughtless of them and I cannot believe no one considered asking you! Now it's too late as you wouldn't be able to sit together! They knew to contact each other but did deliberately leave you out. I'd take a break from them for a while until you start to feel better. I would no longer consider them good friends, just people you know. I'm sorry this happened to you.

I can see why you were hurt initially and no harm in articulating that but feels a bit much to have gone quiet on them for a prolonged period and to make it into a relationship changing scenario. If you really do understand that they meet up without you anyway and that they were genuine in their response and in missing you, then why not get past it and move on instead of feeding the upset and the divide. Your reaction will end up damaging the friendship more than the initial action which is a big or small as you want to make it.

AIBU to think I need to realize that this friendship is not as important to them as it has been for me.

There’s also another way to look at this, that might be: do I have different ideas to them of what being a good friend means?

For me, it’s important that my friends would give me the benefit of the doubt and think the best of my intentions rather than the worst. Certainly if somebody makes a mistake and unreservedly apologises I would be more than happy because I very much would like them to extend me the same courtesy, as I know that I am far from perfect. This mismatch in values of what means a good friendship is only ever going to end badly. So I probably would step away at that point because it’s only going to happen again.

Separately - if you do think the worst, let’s say they did it on purpose, which it absolutely seems they did not based on the response, but what would you be thinking? Is it that they’re thoughtless or that they don’t like you in some way? If it was one of these things, what is your response intended to change?

Yeah this is upsetting. Not a one off theatre trip but multiple nights out you will not be included in. I’m in a close friendship group of four and we all meet up separately as well as together but this would not happen.

However it has happened, and it sounds like they didn’t mean it. It’s not worth ending a friendship over.

Get yourself a season ticket too. Then if it is a bit separate from theirs maybe ask if they’ll take it in turns to have the separate seat so you’re not always sat on your own.

Sounds like this is the first time anything like this has happened. Let it go. Sounds like all in all you have a good group of friends, they tried to put things right and apologised. That's really positive in itself.

I understand your hurt, but it does seem that it was a genuine mistake and not a deliberate rejection. They seemed genuinely sorry and they tried to put it right.

But I agree with many that your response was misjudged. Giving them the silent treatment and then sending that passive aggressive text risks making them feel put out instead of remorseful and sympathetic. I think you need to put that right as soon as you can, if you want the friendship/s to last.

Why don’t you just buy a season ticket? That’s what I would have done. I wouldn’t expect anyone to pay the upfront cost of that.