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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset with long time friends - long

218 replies

momtoboys · 14/10/2025 16:14

I have three very close, long time friends. All married but one. Each person has one of the group they are the closest to but we have all tried really hard to stay in touch as a group. We get together for theatre, dinner, drinks to catch up; sometimes with spouses, sometimes not. We text occasionally as a group. I consider them all my best friends even though I have friends in my life that I see more regularly.

A few weeks ago we all met up with some other friends to watch an event at a local pub and one friend (the one I am closest to) said to the others "when is our first play?" They responded with a date. I said to my friend, "did you get season tickets to the theatre?" She replied "yes! I assumed the tickets were purchased as a group, but was not certain. A few days later I called my closest friend and said "did you get tickets with the girls or with your husband?" She responded that she had gotten them with our other friends and one of their daughters. I said "I wish I had known, I would have loved to have gotten a ticket with you". She responded "Oh, I'm so sorry - I guess we got talking about it and it didn't even occur to us". She seemed as though she was truly sorry. We talked for a few minutes and I told her I was disappointed but understood that those things happen. She texted me shortly after and said that the friend who had been in charge of purchasing the tickets was calling the theater to see if there was another ticket near where they were seated. There was not. I thanked her for trying and that was that.

I have not reached out to them since. This is unusual. My closest friend has reached out and I have responded but not with the normal enthusiasm. She called me a couple of weeks ago and I let it go to voice mail. I then texted her and said "thanks so much for calling. I have to admit my feelings are hurt about this theatre thing and I don't really feel like talking about it yet. Mostly I think I am upset because you said it didn't even occur to you to ask me. Maybe I need to rethink my expectations of this friendship. I said this is not he end of the friendship and over the years you have all been wonderful parts of my life but I need some time to adjust my expectations and all will be fine". She responded "I'll give you some time but please don't take too long, I miss you".

It's been a long time since I have had my feeling hurt like this (I am an old lady!) and perhaps I am being childish. AIBU to think I need to realize that this friendship is not as important to them as it has been for me? Sorry this is so long. Please don't be outright mean if you respond. I'm a little fragile at this point.

Thanks.

I

OP posts:
zingally · 14/10/2025 18:54

I can totally understand why you're upset, I would be as well.

But I think you've said your piece, and going off in a sulk isn't going to help any. Especially as your friend has apologised and misses you.

At this point, you have to decide what is more important, life-long friendships or a silly over-sight. Has anything like this happened before? If it has, then perhaps you're justified, but if it's the first time, I think you do have to suck it up and let it go.
The older we get, the more we need and should value the people who knew us when we were young and who loved us up into the world. That's too valuable to throw away over some hurt feelings.

OriginalUsername2 · 14/10/2025 18:55

If I were you I would stop the sulking today and get back in the game. Thank them for being understanding, tell them you don’t want to drag it out any longer, life’s too short and that you’ll book yourself a season ticket.

I do understand why you are hurt but they seem like good people who want to make it right.

Daisymae55 · 14/10/2025 18:56

I completely understand why you’re hurt and I would be too in this situation. That being said, they have tried to rectify it by contacting the theatre and although it was unsuccessful, they clearly care enough about you to go to the effort of fixing the situation rather than brushing you off.

Again, I understand you’re hurt, but given the attempt to fix the mistake and the messages from your closest friend I think your text might have been a bit too much. Especially if this is a long established group of friends and there’s been no/little incidents like this in the past.

True friendships can be hard to find, if this is a one off mistake that they’ve tried to fix I’d be reaching out and moving on

flippertygibbet4 · 14/10/2025 18:58

I think if there's any way that you can also get theatre tickets then do it, even if you end up sitting separately. Then you can all have the shared experience, which your friends have tried to sort out for you, albeit a bit late. I personally would be hurt, but I would also forgive in this circumstance. Friendship is precious, and our friends are human beings with all the faults and mistakes that come with that. I would think about intention here. Did they intend to hurt you? I very much doubt it. When they realised their error, they were upset that you were hurt and tried to sort it out. I think you have to decide what is more important to you here, the long term friendship? Or you holding them to account over their moment of thoughtlessness and possibly losing the friendship as a result. Be gentle with yourself and try to look at what happened with a more dispassionate eye. It sounds like you really need your friends in your life at the moment. I hope it all works out OK in the end xxx

Nestingbirds · 14/10/2025 18:59

MatildaTheCat · 14/10/2025 18:34

That’s exactly why I’m suggesting that OP meets her friend to talk to her rather than send texts ( emotional and designed to make her friend feel bad). Speaking honestly and remembering all the good times is productive. And it’s genuinely true that as you get older your friends will start to get illnesses and even die.

Ask me how I know this. Fortunately I haven’t been left with any regrets or misunderstandings.

Show quote history

You are speaking as if you are the only person that is older in age. I have friendships that are fifty years old plus and have obviously lost friends too.

I don’t have any regrets either, but not because I was constantly appeasing and living in fear, but because we have all felt able to be honest, endure difference of opinions and are genuine. Real friends will be able to withstand difficulties and some conflict. The friendship can deepen as a result.

That is why I think being open and honest is key, and the onus now is on the group to make the effort to ensure op is reassured. If this had happened in my group - we would certainly do all we could to make things up to the friend that was hurt.

YourPeppyAmberTraybake · 14/10/2025 19:01

Do you think the drinking group are another group in themselves and used to doing things without you and it just happens that your three friends are also in that group?

Original poster
momtoboys · 14/10/2025 19:03

I have read all the comments and appreciate them all. I have reached out to two of them just a normal check in text. The other friend is somewhere where she cannot be reached so I will check in with her later. We will put this behind us and try hard not to have something like this happen again for any of us. Thank you.

OP posts:
latetothefisting · 14/10/2025 19:05

Parmaviolet3456 · 14/10/2025 16:35

You said you’re an older lady

I’m surprised it’s taken you until later in life to realise that your friends are completely valid in meeting up with other friends without you

I know I sound nasty but, even though I have a friendship group I do sometimes invite one or two to days out without inviting the others. And vise Versa, if I see they’ve gone out without me - doesn’t bother me.

We are all in our 30’s and this was a lesson I learned in my early 20’s

I think it's generally accepted that a few members of a larger group meeting up without every single other member is fine and normal. Indeed, sometimes it's so hard to arrange a date that everyone can do, that if the 'rule' was that 'the group' could only meet if everyone could attend nobody would ever see each other.

What's not fine is leaving just one person out, as happened in OP's case. You referred to not inviting 'the others,' i.e. plural which suggests actually you can tell the difference too.

I would be hurt too OP, even more so because they included one of the daughters, but didn't think about you. There doesn't seem to be any rationale, it's not like you don't like that activity or whatever. When/how did they even decide about it? If it was at a get together that you knew about and couldn't make, that's maybe a bit understandable (although still upsetting), but if one of them thought about it, then messaged the other two and at no point any of them considered 'oh and let's ask OP as well,' that's really hurtful.

Basically it's up to you. You're justified in feeling upset but do you want to cut your nose off to spite your face? They're otherwise good friends, they seem to feel bad about it, they tried to make amends (albeit not particularly hard - if they really felt bad I'm sure if they asked the theatre if they could split up the 3 tickets so it's 2 plus 3 rather than 4 together the theatre would have been happy to given it would mean an extra guaranteed ticket sold)...do you want to fall out over this?

Thehop · 14/10/2025 19:06

This was really hurtful of them. Your text was very measured in my opinion.

IndoorVoice · 14/10/2025 19:09

Nestingbirds · 14/10/2025 18:49

The one friend that has offered an apology is fine of course, and the other/others?

Show quote history

OP might need to treat them individually if she wants any kind of resolution that preserves the friendships, I imagine the different personalities might have different appetites for depth of apology based on the response that the first of them got.

IndoorVoice · 14/10/2025 19:10

momtoboys · 14/10/2025 19:03

I have read all the comments and appreciate them all. I have reached out to two of them just a normal check in text. The other friend is somewhere where she cannot be reached so I will check in with her later. We will put this behind us and try hard not to have something like this happen again for any of us. Thank you.

I hope you do get it worked out, I know it must have stung regardless of the intent behind it.

ThatRubyRaven · 14/10/2025 19:11

Women in particular behave peculiarly within their friendships all the time, out of the blue, and it’s so hurtful. It usually happens to the overly-caring, generous friends or the perceived underdogs turned successful (marrying a great partner, doing exceptionally well in career or similar). I know there are plenty of women who are secure enough to support their friends, but many harbour secret resentment and only support your successes while they feel those are still below their own. Things change when the balance tips. If any of this rings true for your friendship group and dynamic then you’re probably at the mercy of an insecure friend. The good news is that this is more about her/them than you. If this doesn’t ring true for you, then maybe it was a genuine oversight. It feels like a big one to me though. Not one of them noticed and mentioned whilst these plans were being made? For what’s it worth, I think you set a lovely boundary; “there is still love here, but I need to heal”. How wonderful to be so raw and vulnerable. How powerful. Well done.

TheFormidableMrsC · 14/10/2025 19:11

This sounds like a massive overreaction to me. People are allowed to go out without you, nobody set out to “hurt” you and I think you risk losing a lot more than you’ve bargained for. You sound really needy.

Fabulously · 14/10/2025 19:11

Are you the one in the group who isn’t married?

Personally I think part of being mature is realising that you’re not the centre of attention in other’s lives. My oldest friends do loads without me with their own friends and that doesn’t bother me. Equally I do the same with my newer friends. It’s not that my oldest friend isn’t important to me, just that I have a different dynamic with my newer friends that I may have met through work/uni etc. I think the benefit of long term friendship is that we don’t get offended ie we don’t everything together but the friendship is still strong.

Nestingbirds · 14/10/2025 19:12

momtoboys · 14/10/2025 19:03

I have read all the comments and appreciate them all. I have reached out to two of them just a normal check in text. The other friend is somewhere where she cannot be reached so I will check in with her later. We will put this behind us and try hard not to have something like this happen again for any of us. Thank you.

Out of interest did the other two contact you op and apologise?

ThatRubyRaven · 14/10/2025 19:13

TheFormidableMrsC · 14/10/2025 19:11

This sounds like a massive overreaction to me. People are allowed to go out without you, nobody set out to “hurt” you and I think you risk losing a lot more than you’ve bargained for. You sound really needy.

Oh god, are you the friend who didn’t buy her ticket? (Joking ☺️☺️)

TheFormidableMrsC · 14/10/2025 19:15

Fabulously · 14/10/2025 19:11

Are you the one in the group who isn’t married?

Personally I think part of being mature is realising that you’re not the centre of attention in other’s lives. My oldest friends do loads without me with their own friends and that doesn’t bother me. Equally I do the same with my newer friends. It’s not that my oldest friend isn’t important to me, just that I have a different dynamic with my newer friends that I may have met through work/uni etc. I think the benefit of long term friendship is that we don’t get offended ie we don’t everything together but the friendship is still strong.

I think the same. I’ve got a friendship group and we do lots together. I don’t like spa days, they all go on a lot of them without me. Indeed they don’t ask me anymore because they know I won’t go. I don’t get upset because of it! People are entitled to have lives outside of our group.

TheFormidableMrsC · 14/10/2025 19:16

ThatRubyRaven · 14/10/2025 19:13

Oh god, are you the friend who didn’t buy her ticket? (Joking ☺️☺️)

Show quote history

No I’m definitely not 😆. I do think this is all a bit OTT though!

CopperWhite · 14/10/2025 19:28

momtoboys · 14/10/2025 19:03

I have read all the comments and appreciate them all. I have reached out to two of them just a normal check in text. The other friend is somewhere where she cannot be reached so I will check in with her later. We will put this behind us and try hard not to have something like this happen again for any of us. Thank you.

Good for you OP. You are right to put it behind you. Good friends are worth forgiving and it does sound like your friend was genuinely sorry and understanding when she realised you were upset.

Aethelredtheunsteady · 14/10/2025 19:34

momtoboys · 14/10/2025 19:03

I have read all the comments and appreciate them all. I have reached out to two of them just a normal check in text. The other friend is somewhere where she cannot be reached so I will check in with her later. We will put this behind us and try hard not to have something like this happen again for any of us. Thank you.

Glad you’ve reached out to them. Hope you can put this behind you.

Tapsthemic · 14/10/2025 19:55

OP, I’m sorry that happened, and I think you were really brave to share your feelings honestly. I can highly recommend reading The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins. It gives a really interesting perspective on adult friendships and times when we find ourselves being left out etc xx

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 14/10/2025 20:05

StewkeyBlue · 14/10/2025 16:50

Sometimes things arise out of a conversation that’s kind of there and then. It doesn’t start with ‘let’s have a get together or organise as our group to get tickets’

It was remiss that they didn’t then think ‘let’s ask momtoboys’ but she did apologise and did try and put it right. They obviously didn’t plot to deliberately leave you out or they wouldn’t have mentioned it in the pub.

Understandable that you were a bit put out but these things happen.

You say you are generally fragile atm, the passive aggressive non-response to your friend wasn’t great, and, IMO, neither was your text.

Your friend was making contact. She cared enough to follow up. Be careful you do not cut off your nose to spite your face.

I hope things get better for you.

Message her and say ‘I miss you too’ and arrange a drink or coffee with her.

This.. don’t wait too long, OP. The chasm of disconnect will only grow larger, if you do.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 14/10/2025 20:06

Ah, should have read the update. I’m glad you reached out. Good luck!

SparklyCardigan · 14/10/2025 20:13

If it's anything like the situation in my friend group, they think you're a massive drama llama and they've got a group chat which doesn't include you.

lessglittermoremud · 14/10/2025 20:13

We’ve recently come across something similar in our ‘group’. We have a group chat where ideas and meet ups are planned.
We also chat about random stuff or if one of us is having a crappy day etc.
Sometimes there can be 20 messages on there, sometimes none at all but a couple of people have left the main group chat because they felt totally overwhelmed by the volume of messages if we were planning something, which to be fair, is totally understandable.
They now have to rely on being informed by other friends that are on the chat…. Our recent get together was arranged and once we were there we realised that a person was missing and we had all forgotten to let them know individually about the trip. They were really upset and felt let down, and we felt awful…. By not attending some of the meet-ups it does mean you miss out on any plans that are made at that time, it was thoughtless of them and you’re right to feel upset, but I can see how it easily happens with no malicious intent.

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