Upset with long time friends - long

[momtoboys]

I have three very close, long time friends. All married but one. Each person has one of the group they are the closest to but we have all tried really hard to stay in touch as a group. We get together for theatre, dinner, drinks to catch up; sometimes with spouses, sometimes not. We text occasionally as a group. I consider them all my best friends even though I have friends in my life that I see more regularly.

A few weeks ago we all met up with some other friends to watch an event at a local pub and one friend (the one I am closest to) said to the others "when is our first play?" They responded with a date. I said to my friend, "did you get season tickets to the theatre?" She replied "yes! I assumed the tickets were purchased as a group, but was not certain. A few days later I called my closest friend and said "did you get tickets with the girls or with your husband?" She responded that she had gotten them with our other friends and one of their daughters. I said "I wish I had known, I would have loved to have gotten a ticket with you". She responded "Oh, I'm so sorry - I guess we got talking about it and it didn't even occur to us". She seemed as though she was truly sorry. We talked for a few minutes and I told her I was disappointed but understood that those things happen. She texted me shortly after and said that the friend who had been in charge of purchasing the tickets was calling the theater to see if there was another ticket near where they were seated. There was not. I thanked her for trying and that was that.

I have not reached out to them since. This is unusual. My closest friend has reached out and I have responded but not with the normal enthusiasm. She called me a couple of weeks ago and I let it go to voice mail. I then texted her and said "thanks so much for calling. I have to admit my feelings are hurt about this theatre thing and I don't really feel like talking about it yet. Mostly I think I am upset because you said it didn't even occur to you to ask me. Maybe I need to rethink my expectations of this friendship. I said this is not he end of the friendship and over the years you have all been wonderful parts of my life but I need some time to adjust my expectations and all will be fine". She responded "I'll give you some time but please don't take too long, I miss you".

It's been a long time since I have had my feeling hurt like this (I am an old lady!) and perhaps I am being childish. AIBU to think I need to realize that this friendship is not as important to them as it has been for me? Sorry this is so long. Please don't be outright mean if you respond. I'm a little fragile at this point.

Thanks.

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I agree. I No would be fine with them all without proper apologies and them fixing the situation. If they were not proactive about resolving the situation and making damn sure it didn’t happen again I would completely walk away because they clearly do not share the same values as me. I’m one of the most disorganised people around and I would never and have never left someone out like this.
I would be wanting an apology and them to organise getting a solution to the season ticket - either by one person switching their ticket so that you could get a season ticket with them and sit as two pairs, or I would be expecting them to organise a single seat and swap who sits there each time.

Don’t be silly. People get ‘upset’ for all kinds of ridiculous reasons. On Mn, this can include a family member getting engaged on your birthday, people talking to their own friends on the school run etc. Just because someone is ‘upset’ does not automatically make it your fault.

I am surprised they haven’t already offered to di this, just to take it in turns. I know people are keen to tell op not to worry, bur without the others making a serious effort to repair their mistake I can’t see how things will go back to the way they were before.

OP’s ‘status’ in the group has been damaged. There has been a rupture, and unless they fix it (not op) it will continue to cause problems. In OP’s place I would be evaluating the character of each friend involved in this and deciding if I can trust them..

And if I were any of the friends, I would be thinking she was a teenage drama queen if she behaved in any such manner about a season ticket theatre plan she wasn’t around for. There’s no need to ‘take it in turns’. There are other tickets available, just not adjacent. The other friends don’t need to miss plays they’ve booked.

Honestly, given what counts for friend ‘advice’ on here at times, it’s no wonder so many Mners are friendless.

Being upset because your friend group have excluded you from something like this is not a ridiculous reason to be upset.

It’s completely ridiculous. It’s not some immutable foursome. The others clearly see it as one of a series of overlapping friendship groups in which the OP is not always involved, as she says herself. The OP wasn’t there when this was discussed so they didn’t think to see if she wanted in. It’s not just the other three friends, either — someone else is going too. If the OP really wants to go, there are tickets available, just not adjacent.

I’d also be hurt, it’s not like it’s one outing that they were remiss in not inviting you. It’s a year of outings you don’t get to be a part of. I think it ok to say your hurt. But as it’s a one off try not to lose the friendship over it, try to find a way to get past it. But if it continues I’d question wether these people are your friends

I’d be upset too as it’s a season ticket so they will be going to see a play every week or 2 for rest if the year? I have no idea how that actually works.

i assume they then won’t also want to do 4 somethings as often as they are meeting regularly anyway.

sharing the season pass seems more logical just as I can’t imagine every person being able to attend every single play? At least offered as a compromise to make the op a bit happier.

I still can’t work out the logistics of a theatre season pass with set seats!

Causing drama for the sake of it.

I think you're completely justified in feeling upset. No-one else has the right to tell you what you should/shouldn't be feeling - your feelings are yours, and they are what they are. It does sound like it was a thoughtless mistake but if you always do these things together, I find it very strange and hurtful that they would 'forget' to include you. They have clearly tried to make amends, so they must care about you. That being said, your reaction shows it has affected you deeply. All my life I've been told I'm 'oversensitive' and 'too emotional'. I feel things like this deeply too. Just a suggestion, but perhaps Google 'RSD' - rejection sensitive dysphoria and see if it makes sense to you. Sending hugs.

No such word as 'gotten' and theatre is not spelled 'theater'.

Yes, as a one-off thing like you're talking about this would be ok, but OP says they've purchased season tickets so they plan on going regularly without her.

If it is typically the 4 of them as a core group then three deciding on theatre season tickets without inviting OP is telling. They seemed to think to invite the daighter of one yet no one piped up, "I'll message momtoboys to see if she's interested." Cliques don't just happen with teens. 🙄
I hate the whole bit about the "drinkers" excluding the non-drinkers/lightweights from pub get togethers "assuming" they won't want to join. Riiiight. Adults can decide for themselves to join, or not, drink, or not, stay or leave. Send a group invite fgs.
It's all snobbishness.
True friends message the group,
"Mary, Rose and I are planning a pub lunch at 2pm on Saturday if anyone wants to join or just pop by. 🩷"
If two want to get together, ok, but 3 of the usual 4 planning something is mean girl behaviour.

OP, I think it is likely the others see themselves as more of a core grouo and you as an occasional player. The woman you are closest to isn't the group's Alpha, or you would have received an invite or she would have insisted it be extended to you if she had any backbone. She wants to be part of the group.
I wouldn't lay it all on her, though. You've said enough to her. I'd definitely back off and cultivate a nicer friendship group. The ladies aren't it.

Good for you voicing your feelings. I'd be hurt, too.
I'd likely say to the other three in a group text: I thought we were a foursome, especially for things like theatre tickets. I guess I was wrong about my perception of my friendship with you ladies and I quite enjoyed feeling part of a "girl group" and it's stinging that I was off base.

It sounds as though it was an oversight on their part not to have invited you. They did try to get you a ticket and sounded apologetic. I would try and put it behind you. Not worth losing a friendship over.

I had this with a friend of mine a long time ago. It was a special anniversary and I was left out so I booked to do something with my daughter. A few days before the event I was hand delivered an invitation quoting reply asap. I was told all invites were posted in the post box and mine fell out. How would you even know that unless you saw it in which case you’d pick it up and post it. How would they know I hadn’t received it and just hadn’t yet replied - makes zero sense. I waited til 4 days before the event then my girl said let’s do something as you’re obviously left out so we booked. I wasn’t then going to let her down. My take on life now is, friends are exactly that - friends, they come and they go, they move on with other friends and that’s ok. Have endured lots of spiteful snide comments over many years re age, money (lack of in my case lol) things i would never say but………that’s life. Take it while it’s good, if it isn’t then put yourself first and get a bit of distance . You have the knowledge that you did nothing wrong and that’s all that matters. Take care xx

I wonder if the theatre might be able to move the entire booking. So there’s no single seats nearby but perhaps five season tickets for alternative seats are available, or two together and three elsewhere?

you could ring and enquire and then raise it with the group?

Why would she want to do that, they’ve clearly left her out. If you’re a group of 4 you’re not going to forget one . Move on imo as they intended to do it and carried it out. What people do or say has to be in their minds in the first place. I wouldn’t want “friends” like that. I think she deserves better.

What I dislike is that someone does something that's wrong or thoughtless and when the victim reacts people say 'oh you shouldn't have done that' or 'that wasn't called for' If it had been me saying or doing the offending thing then i would most certainly have been castigated for it and rightly so. Stop making out the victim is the villain, Think about the feelings they are experiencing