Upset with long time friends - long

[momtoboys]

I have three very close, long time friends. All married but one. Each person has one of the group they are the closest to but we have all tried really hard to stay in touch as a group. We get together for theatre, dinner, drinks to catch up; sometimes with spouses, sometimes not. We text occasionally as a group. I consider them all my best friends even though I have friends in my life that I see more regularly.

A few weeks ago we all met up with some other friends to watch an event at a local pub and one friend (the one I am closest to) said to the others "when is our first play?" They responded with a date. I said to my friend, "did you get season tickets to the theatre?" She replied "yes! I assumed the tickets were purchased as a group, but was not certain. A few days later I called my closest friend and said "did you get tickets with the girls or with your husband?" She responded that she had gotten them with our other friends and one of their daughters. I said "I wish I had known, I would have loved to have gotten a ticket with you". She responded "Oh, I'm so sorry - I guess we got talking about it and it didn't even occur to us". She seemed as though she was truly sorry. We talked for a few minutes and I told her I was disappointed but understood that those things happen. She texted me shortly after and said that the friend who had been in charge of purchasing the tickets was calling the theater to see if there was another ticket near where they were seated. There was not. I thanked her for trying and that was that.

I have not reached out to them since. This is unusual. My closest friend has reached out and I have responded but not with the normal enthusiasm. She called me a couple of weeks ago and I let it go to voice mail. I then texted her and said "thanks so much for calling. I have to admit my feelings are hurt about this theatre thing and I don't really feel like talking about it yet. Mostly I think I am upset because you said it didn't even occur to you to ask me. Maybe I need to rethink my expectations of this friendship. I said this is not he end of the friendship and over the years you have all been wonderful parts of my life but I need some time to adjust my expectations and all will be fine". She responded "I'll give you some time but please don't take too long, I miss you".

It's been a long time since I have had my feeling hurt like this (I am an old lady!) and perhaps I am being childish. AIBU to think I need to realize that this friendship is not as important to them as it has been for me? Sorry this is so long. Please don't be outright mean if you respond. I'm a little fragile at this point.

Thanks.

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Texts in these situations make things worse in my experience. These are old friends and they are valuable. Yes they have hurt your feelings but beware of throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

In your shoes I would suggest meeting your closest friend for a coffee and a chat and have an honest conversation. Listen to her and try to understand her position which must also be uncomfortable.

As we age we can lose friends quite suddenly to illness, I don’t want to scaremonger but can you imagine your long friendship ending over some theatre tickets and not being able to put things right?

If you like them and are suffering from hurt feelings then say so and find a way forward.

That is my point though, if she has different values / needs that are non-negotiable to her in friendship than to the friend that’s apologising to her, then ultimately they’re just incompatible as friends.

Can you not just buy a season ticket for yourself and then you can go to the theatre with them?

I can understand why you feel upset to have been left out but I wouldn't let it spoil the friendship.

That sounds a lot like emotional blackmail. It’s not OP’s role to fix and repair, just in case someone gets ill or dies! Are they considering the lost evenings they now won’t see op? No. They are not. People pleasing is not the way to go. Honesty, candid conversations and striking a mutual understanding and agreement for the future will see genuinely repair this rupture.

That's also known as sulking!

Not saying I haven't used it myself, but it is a sulk.

I don't think the op did anything wrong by articulating what she was feeling.

I agree with your post but would absolutely dread that as the other friend. Feeling as though I had to apologise again in person for my crapness and being ‘in trouble.’ I know that’s absolutely me being pathetic and your version is the mature approach, but I bet anything that the friend in question has multiple other shit things going on, as most of us do and has already apologised unreservedly.

Completely agree that bigger life things happen and how sad it would be that it was over theatre ticket disorganisation.

I bet they know though…

How many times do you think the other person should apologise and try to put it right? She hasn’t committed a crime or slept with her husband 😊 If the OP still isn’t happy with that, then I think the friendship is just incompatible. It happens.

That’s exactly why I’m suggesting that OP meets her friend to talk to her rather than send texts ( emotional and designed to make her friend feel bad). Speaking honestly and remembering all the good times is productive. And it’s genuinely true that as you get older your friends will start to get illnesses and even die.

Ask me how I know this. Fortunately I haven’t been left with any regrets or misunderstandings.

The trouble is that generally you won't get told even if there was one or a few group members who didn't want you there. So by making a statement about it, you've not achieved anything, and I would say, maybe changed their view of you.

I'd would have been upset in a similar situation but I would have let time pass until my initial feelings had abated a bit, and not sent a message laying them out. It was possibly an oversight and I think you need to treat it as such.

Friends are valuable, to me anyway. Maintaining them is important I think, and making new ones not always easy. We should forgive our friends their oversights and quirks so long as we still enjoy their company.

This is a really difficult situation and I understand why you are so upset. I would be really hurt in your position too. I actually think the message you sent was the perfect response - you let the friend know why you are upset, asked for space, and made it clear you want the friendship to continue.

It can happen that in the moment, tickets are purchased on a whim without thinking of anyone who isn’t in the room at the time. I can see how this would happen for one event, but I struggle to think I would have bought a season ticket without thinking of who else might want to join though. The difficulty is that for however long the season ticket lasts, this group of friends will regularly be doing an activity without you that would previously have included you.

I would hope that they will give you first refusal of their ticket each time they go if one of them cannot go. I would also hope each time they go that they tell you and include you in the event so that you have the possibility of buying an individual ticket and joining in.

But I have to say, right now if I were your best friend or even one of the others, I’d feel so awful for hurting your feelings I would be searching for a season ticket to another activity, to find something we could do together, to let you know how much the friendship means. I hope your friend does something like this for you.

Meanwhile, it’s a classic saying but time does heal. The season tickets will eventually run out and they can include you in the next round.

I’d feel very sad, but if I was the other friend in this scenario, I’d probably feel more relieved to just let the friendship go than be on ‘good friend’ probation for ever more.

Then, long live sulking, but it does recalibrate the situation without you having to do anything and perhaps they may say 'Ooh, where is OP? We must contact her.' Hey presto! She is back in the picture. If they don't bother, then she knows the friendship were valueless.

I’m afraid I think that you have over-reacted.
Life is too short to sulk with friends. Put it behind you and move on!

And I see where you’re coming from but if they don’t meet for a chat and a clearing of the air how do they move forward.

coffee, five minutes of discussion, listening and acceptance that we all fuck up sometimes. Then onto have you seen x tv show, how’s your new grandchild etc.

OP won’t suddenly feel perfectly ok about it but she has still got her friends and these feelings do fade.

I can understand why you’re upset - and I would be too in your shoes, I know. But from an outside perspective, you have been very dramatic and I’d say you’ve made a bit of a mountain out a molehill. Not including you really isn’t the same as deliberately setting out to exclude you. If it helps, I’ve had exactly the same thing happen (albeit in the context of a larger group) - was arranging a theatre trip with one friend when another friend came into the coffee shop. She saw the brochure and said she’d like to go and would we get a ticket for her and her DD. Cue several post on Facebook from her and a lot of upset at the school gates from other people asking why they hadn’t been invited. When, in reality, it wasn’t an “inviting” thing; more of a spur of the moment “let’s go”. And it does sound to me like that’s what might have happened here. Plus - genuine question - are you a regular theatregoer or someone who’s expressed an interest in being one? If not, that might also explain why they didn’t immediately think of you in that sort of situation.

If you’d like to go, get a ticket and meet up with them in the bar beforehand and at the interval. If not, I wouldn’t let it sour what sounds like a really positive set of friendships - these are rare and worth nurturing, even through a rough patch.

Yanbu at all. Yes, they forgot but they should at least have made a proper attempt at making sure you were ok. They could have all called to your house with apology flowers or arranged a special surprise for you. Calling the theatre and a couple of texts doesn't seem like enough of an effort in my opinion to show regret for their mistake and for hurting a good friend. It was a pretty big oversight. Season tickets, not just one ticket.

Or that your values are just different. I’d let a friendship like this fizzle out as when you’re on the receiving end of it it’s obvious as you can tell everything you’re doing is being weighed up as ‘good enough’ or ‘not good enough.’

I always think it’s interesting that these types of ‘testing’ friends don’t tend to be friends with each other, I think in some ways the dynamic is codependent for the types of people on both sides.

It often doesn't work like that though. It’s an emotionally immature way of dealing with things. The friends will just as likely think: ‘Where is OP? She hasn’t spoken to her since I apologised about X. If my apology wasn’t enough, I guess she checked out of the friendship. Let’s carry on without her then, she’s made her feelings clear.’

Are you the single one?

Three people showing up at the OP’s house with ‘apology flowers’ might be appropriate for accidentally running over the OP’s dog, or a bereavement. It would be a ludicrous over-reaction to her being mildly hurt that they bought theatre season tickets without asking if she wanted to join.

I see why you are hurt as well. At this point it's not even about the ticket , so belatedly trying to get you one is neither here nor there. Had they gotten one , in your shoes I would have been churlish enough to tell them to stick it. Who wants to be an after thought. No matter what they do do, the can't unforget you.

It's not the ticket, it's the unintentional reveal of their attitude towards you and your status in the group which is hurtful.
I have no advice but I get how you feel. It's a bit humiliating. Whether you want to continue with them or phase them out is up to you and how you feel about it after some time has passed and the initial sting has faded .

I think it was poor of your friends, but ‘sulking’ over it with your ‘withdrawing’ and follow up text message was a bit much.

If I wanted to go to every play in the block, or just one or some, I would find out the dates they’re going and buy my ticket sitting elsewhere and arrange to meet them before and at the interval.

But OP has told her friends she wants time to think about the friendship (implying that she doesn’t want to be contacted) which puts her friends in an awkward position. Contact her and you risk her getting upset that her boundaries haven’t been respected, don’t contact her and she assumes that they don’t care about her.

The one friend that has offered an apology is fine of course, and the other/others?