Was I wrong to say it’s inappropriate for her to ask for my number?

[Ishoulddomore]

I was at a wedding today and the drink flowed a little.

The daughter of along time friend asked me for my number. I’ve known her for years and she hasn’t asked me before. She’s 23 and I’m 49. I said no and told her it’s inappropriate as she can ask her dad how I’m doing or to arrange a group meet up. Not sure why else she would want my number.

The thing is I think I’ve upset her by suggesting something that I don’t think she meant. She’s had issues in the past and I didn’t mean her any upset.

Did I do the right thing or was I unreasonable?

Why would you open this can of worms with a young woman you admit has been “clingy/huggy” all night with you?? Surely you leave it where it is and think nothing more of it. You seem fixated on the issue of how she could never be into you - but plenty of young women do reach after older male figures. If I was your wife I wouldn’t be too happy about you changing your mind on this.

You said she had no reason to message you beyond just to talk to you. You squashed it. Leave it there. You actually have no reason to message her and the fact you’re thinking so deeply on it is troubling.

My post wasn't aggressive. Nor ridiculous.

Your post to my initial post was unnecessary and your implication that the girl wanted his phone number for nefarious reasons was uncalled for. It's ok for you to imply she is a tramp??

be as irritated as you like, but maybe look at your own posts first.

And your personal attack I am surprised you've anyone special in your life was totally uncalled for.

I think you could have phrased it better OP, but as you said, the drink was flowing.

Very very normal. 😊

I did not. I suggested she was vulnerable.
Good, I'm glad you felt my comments was uncalled for, now you know how I felt.
Don't ever make a comment about my DD again.

I think you could have worded it better, but you were right. It wasn’t appropriate.

You could tell her you think it might look odd to give her your number but she’s welcome to contact you through social media (if you want her to be able to).

not unreasonable. You’re drawing a social boundary, which sounds sensible

Yes, it does actually. I thought you were a woman whose female friend’s daughter asked for your number. I’d see nothing wrong with this, in fact would find it quite charming/heartwarming.

A man whose male friend’s adult daughter asked for their number is very different. You were wise not to give it, but just hashed up the way you refused the request. Lesson learned, I hope!

I’m really shocked at the number of people who have no faith that OP is capable of reading the vibes.
I would be mortified if any of my DH’s or my mates (of similar age) were to give any of my young adult kids their number without a) a bloody good reason or b) going through me. (That way I can check with my kids if it’s okay.) This is how my closest friends have my DS’s number. He occasionally babysits for them. (When they are out with each other…)

Why is there so many men here.this is mumsnet!!!! Go to Reddit and ask your question there.they can all tell you how great you are for not taking a young ladies number!

Jesus these replies are ridiculous.

You're married. A drunk woman was being clingy, touchy and asking for your number. You said no.

Of course it's not a good idea for her to be messaging you. Her father, mother, your wife, her boyfriend would be livid and could well think you had nefarious intentions.

You did exactly the right thing.

Yet somehow you're the bad guy here.

You say you're not a catch but it's in the eye of the beholder really.

I've had a hefty surgical procedure and have been getting ferried about in NHS transport. One of the blokes that does this for me would look at himself in the mirror and see a fat alcoholic Scotsman and not a catch at all but I fancy the arse of him and I can't really square with myself why.

I think you did the right thing. Stop worrying about it. A lot of the weirdness on here is because you didn't make it clear from the outset you were a bloke. Most posters on here are women so we sort of assume that until we know different but welcome all the same.

Read all your updates and, initially, assumed you were a female poster so didn’t understand the ‘inappropriate’ comment. However, yes, given you are male, she is young and it made you feel uncomfortable, there was nothing wrong with stating that you felt her asking for your number crossed a boundary for you. It’s not your problem that she got upset (isn’t that DARVO? She made you feel uncomfortable, you asserted a boundary, but suddenly that makes her the victim of some perceived slight?)

You, like anyone else, like women, are allowed to have boundaries. We’re also not under any obligation to be ‘kind’ in asserting those boundaries - but you hardly told her to eff off, did you?

Honestly, I’d put it behind you.

If this is real, then I think you need to be honest with yourself about why this has taken up so much headspace.

I also think you’re being disingenuous about it all or are genuinely naive.

No, you did not say the right thing. This is the adult daughter of a long time friend, so presumably she sees you as a friend too and has grown up knowing you too. How is it inappropriate, do you not see that you have a friendship with this girl too? If you felt if was inappropriate then why not check in with your friend first?

You did NOT suggest she was vulnerable.

I'd be interested in her reasons for suddenly needing her Father's, married friends mobile number

it's there for everyone to read.

I'll post what I like thanks. You're the one posting against the talk guidelines & implying the DD in the OP had dodgy reasons for wanting his phone number.

Why wouldn't you ask her why she needed it at the time, tell her to get it off your friend or talk to your friend about it?

I can't believe a grown man would come on here to ask such.

Agree with those saying it's weird how much headspace you've given the interaction.

You did the right thing to be honest. If there was any birthday party to be planned etc, she would have sought you out earlier when she wasn't drunk. Was there anything amiss between her and her boyfriend as she could have seen you as a 'safe' flirt to get him jealous. If anything like this occurs again, give her your wife's phone number and tell your wife its because she was tipsy and maybe would be better having a female to speak to. The poster who said if a wife was posting about her husband swapping numbers with a 23 year old, they would be on it like a shot is correct. Don't beat yourself up. She has probably forgotten about it while you are still worrying.

No Don't do that! It will appear Pervy, and that's exactly what you wanted to avoid in the first place!
Say nothing.
You were right to say to her that it was inappropriate to give her your number. Now just forget it.

I think if you had put in your original post you are a man then you would have got a different response in the vote! I think you were right that it would have been inappropriate to give this person your number.

You dont actually think she's attracted to you do you?

Why are you implying incredulity about this? It’s definitely possible.

Why wouldnt she be?

How many times do we hear of middle aged men leaving their wives for women half their age? Of course they are attracted to these men and its disengenuous of you to suggest otherwise in a pitiful attempt to put the OP down.

Well he did say no initially, but whether you like it or not, lots of women in their 20s are attracted to middle aged men. I definitely was at that age but thank fuck I didn’t act on it.

@Ishoulddomore "Does it matter?"

Yes, it very much does matter that you're a man. You should've put that in your original post. Most of us wondered why (as a woman) you thought it so inappropriate to give your number to a close friend's daughter, as that would usually be no big deal. The only assumption was that she was possibly a lesbian/ bisexual and was hitting on you. Now we know you are a middle aged man the whole context has changed. Yes, it would be inappropriate but I do think you could've phrased it better to her!