Was I wrong to say it’s inappropriate for her to ask for my number?

[Ishoulddomore]

I was at a wedding today and the drink flowed a little.

The daughter of along time friend asked me for my number. I’ve known her for years and she hasn’t asked me before. She’s 23 and I’m 49. I said no and told her it’s inappropriate as she can ask her dad how I’m doing or to arrange a group meet up. Not sure why else she would want my number.

The thing is I think I’ve upset her by suggesting something that I don’t think she meant. She’s had issues in the past and I didn’t mean her any upset.

Did I do the right thing or was I unreasonable?

She is also a grown up at 23.

On WhatsApp yes, on Messenger, no. Other apps exist, some use numbers, some don't.

I think you should have taken her number but then just never used it. I would not have been impressed by the hugging if I was your wife.

Seems rude of you. Why didn't you just ask her why, after all these years?

Why do you imagine it would be "inappropriate" to ask a family friend for her number?

It shows that this is made up so you could get some interaction with women on here. These types of men on mumsnet. 🤮

"I was also told when I was young that drunk people become who they actually are when they drink". Really? Why have you posted this? You are a middle-aged man. Why does it matter what nonsense you were told about drinking when you were young? Get real. When you are drunk you do not become who you actually are. And if you did, who she 'really was' in that moment was a vulnerable young person feeling insecure in their relationship with their boyfriend or dad or whatever.. it's got nothing to do with you. There is no big deal here. Young drunk person suggests something that you think could be interpreted as inappropriate. You quite rightly point that out... you could have just left it there, taken the win... and you still can! She likely won't even remember it. You are the one now creating the drama, as if you were the 23 year-old drunk person. Stop it. Move on.

The fact that so many posters have no level of discernment at all is very disturbing

Ok, I’ll engage. Well done. I’m an idiot, that makes things up and I’m a saddo, I’m also so stupid to quote this post so more people see it. I’m also in a knot that I can’t get out of…. Help. I care about this minuscule thing that has affected not only me but someone else I care about. What’s wrong with you?

I'm.assuming you are a man... You said drink flowed so the suggestion is she was coming on to you??? I thinkmtoubdid the right think. I t id awkward and not approoriate. It will blow iver. Don't worry sbout it.

Rubbish

Got about halfway through the thread and its killed me!

The reactions are hilarious.

Imagine the reactions if it was "My husbands mate (49) asked for my DD's (23) number" or "We went to a wedding and now my husband and his best mates DD are texting" or "DH's Best Friends DD asked my husband for his number and he happily handed it over"

In every single one of the above there would have been all sorts of accusations....creep, predator, dirty old man and cheat being the least of them!

@Ishoulddomore You did the right thing. Sometimes to-the-point is the way to go.

a man that’s want a woman’s opinion is all all I am. Sorry, I didn’t mean anything else.

Or maybe your level is extreme.

I think you handled this badly. Shes only young and was probably genuinely being friendly. You did not need to tell her it was 'inappropriate' as that's quite hurtful. You could have just said 'oh I don't really give out my number sorry, but I'm on the group chats' kept it casual and non judgemental.
You've essentially called her wierd or acted like she was flirting with you.. and that's sad. Often people in their early 20s are just very friendly. They haven't learnt to be cautious and stand offish yet. They think anyone they've been enjoying the company of could be a friend.
I think you could have handled this more diplomatically.

Agree

It’s nothing to do with me to a certain degree apart from the fact she asked me for my number! I just feel bad for having to say it and perhaps making her feel bad. This question is not about me, it’s about if I have made her feel shit for me saying something that after reading the the replies I now regret somewhat

Really bizarre to post this as gender neutral on a women’s site where most posters are women. This scenario is quite different when the parents friend is a man vs a woman. I voted yabu but now I see the op is a man I understand their reservations, it’s not like a natural friendship has grown up and best to fob a request like this off when they are tipsy. You should have said ask your dad/mum for my number when you’re sober fi there’s something you want to talk about, I don’t give my number to women who are tipsy. It’s a hard rule sorry.

Also, I think you are quite right to assume that her dad would find it creepy if you were to dialogue with her in any way other than socially with him. I can’t believe that people are saying you were wrong. The likelihood is that you would be labeled a creepy old predator if you did give her your number.

IMHO no big deal.

“Pissed woman clings to old family friend (for drunken support) and asks for their number.

Family friend says it wouldn’t be appropriate. Bit patronising and perhaps introduces imagined sexual frisson. But fine, because that’s how he felt.”

The End.

Originally voted that YABU but having read the thread, I think you did the right thing.

Perhaps it could have been handled differently as you identified yourself but I can see why it would feel uncomfortable exchanging numbers given that the circumstances. I definitely think if a wife came on here saying her husband had exchanged numbers with their friends much younger daughter the majority would be suggesting it was for nefarious reasons.

It is nice you are concerned about it but I think you are over thinking it at this point. The drink was flowing, possibly she's forgotten about it or if not she may feel as embarrassed as you and best off nothing being said!

Look, a lot of 23 year olds (certainly not all, of course) are a bit socially immature (remember how old they were and what life positions they were in when the multiple lockdowns kicked in). The worst case scenario is your friend's daughter thinks you were a bit of a creep for misinterpreting her. Either way, you did the right thing as you said drinks flowed and she was being strange and clingy. You are the middle-aged adult who knows not to make a fuss out of nothing. Just move on. The only reason to make a fuss out of this is because actually you quite enjoying the idea that a young person that you've known for years, and have described as very attractive, got drunk and overly clingy after one too many glasses of fizz at a wedding.

Ok, I am going to assume that this is a genuine post, Op, and if it is then I can see how you might have been somewhat disconcerted by her request, realise now that you overreactedand want to save the situation.

It seems like your reaction was based on the assumption that if you did give her your number then friends and family might take it as an indication of some emotional or physical infidelity on your part.

Also, it seems like you considered that this might even have been her intention and now you feel embarrassed and concerned that you might have been wrong/unkind.

Yes, I think you might be a bit lacking in imagination here. She might not need your practical help but she might have been seeking your (specifically male?) opinion/advice about something that she doesn't want to discuss with family.. Maybe something to do with her boboyfriend Or maybe she has a work dilemma.

In any case, I think that the best thing you can do is to ask your wife to invite her over for dinner/out for coffee with the two of you so that you can apologise for your unhelpful knee jerk reaction the other night and ask sincerely if there is anything that you and/or your wife can help her with.

You sound like a kind and thoughtful man. I hope that you and your wife can resolve this. All the best.

So, during the evening, you and her boyfriend had discussions about her clinging to you?

I have the phone numbers of several of my friends' kids, but we're close enough that we sometimes meet up for coffee -they live nearer to me than their parents do, and in one case the parents are dead. They feel more like nieces and nephews. I would never ask for numbers of other friends' kids, but I give it if they ask.

Well I suppose that's fair enough if your DH has dodgy friends or a DD that's likely to want to shag one of her Dads mates. Not the kind of people in my life 🤷🏻‍♀️

You say you’re in a group chat with her, what platform is this on? She could easily just contact you privately via that (WhatsApp for example you can see all group members contact details and message then separately, messenger you can click in individual participants and contact them privately, Instagram the same. Which platform are you already on a chat with her and family? If she were hoping to do something like plan a party for her dad she could have already messaged you privately if she wanted to.