Was I wrong to say it’s inappropriate for her to ask for my number?

[Ishoulddomore]

I was at a wedding today and the drink flowed a little.

The daughter of along time friend asked me for my number. I’ve known her for years and she hasn’t asked me before. She’s 23 and I’m 49. I said no and told her it’s inappropriate as she can ask her dad how I’m doing or to arrange a group meet up. Not sure why else she would want my number.

The thing is I think I’ve upset her by suggesting something that I don’t think she meant. She’s had issues in the past and I didn’t mean her any upset.

Did I do the right thing or was I unreasonable?

You did the right thing. Of course it would be inappropriate for you to start up a private messaging conversation with your mate's daughter. She could have asked for your wife's number instead (or you could have offered it).

You can bet if your wife posted on here saying her husband had given his number to a 23 year old woman, everyone would be saying how inappropriate that was! So you did the right thing.

No I actually think you did the right thing.
If your reputation matters, then I can understand your response.
Why would a man of almost 50 want to be in contact with a young woman of 23?
It would give people reason to pause and think what YOUR intentions were.
Why at your big age did you not have better boundaries?
For example, a friend of mine, has known DD since she was 11 months old or so- he wouldn't message her, but send a message through me- because boundaries.

DDs BFs Dad, she's part of their family as much as he is ours, his Dad doesn't message DD. His messages would go through his wife to me, to her, or through BF to her.

These sort of boundaries make me know I have safe men around us.

Her Dad likely wouldn't have been impressed, and I think your wife mightve had your guts for garters!

Actually, OP, I don't think you did the wrong thing at all.

I can tell you now that if you'd been the one to ask for her number and she'd posted on here saying I'm 23 and my dad's 49 year old mate, who I've known forever, asked for my number at a recent wedding you can guarantee that the responses would have been along the lines of, "Eew, what a creep."

Despite the faux confusion on here, you recognised that and it's why it felt inappropriate.

As a man of a similar age to you, I think you did entirely the correct thing. It is very easy for people to get overly familiar when booze is flowing and if you had given her your number it could easily have ended up way more awkward than it is now. As it is, she has probably already forgotten that she asked. I wouldn’t worry.

This place is absolutely nuts.

If OP wrote “I took the number of my friend’s daughter at a wedding recently. She’s an attractive young woman, half my age and has no reason to message me so my wife thinks it’s inappropriate but I think it’s fine. AIBU?” he would be absolutely ripped apart, accused of being a predator and hopefully his DW gets her ducks in a row and leaves..

He behaved correctly. If he felt the young lady was inappropriate (drunk, clinging to him and trying to get his number) then of course he was correct to refuse to hand it over!

I'm sorry but I think you did the right thing. Im not entirely sure her dad/mum would be happy - I would find it weird if my DC dads friends was messaging my daughter. It seems creepy and inappropriate.

If it was for a surprise party, the surely her mum could message you or give her your number. And surely she would have said, I'm arranging a party anyway.

Exactly this.

Why would I be considering cheating? Wtf, I’d have just taken her number!

It’s a man who has made quite possibly an innocuous interaction, sexual. It’s not inappropriate just because you are an older male and she is a female. There could be any reason she wanted your number.

This.

YANBU - you were sensible to refuse.

When you talk about "group chats" are you on one with her as well as other people?

I see you’re a man. I assumed you were female so in that case you done the right thing by refusing

He hasn't made it sexual, it can be an inappropriate transaction without being sexual.

I’m one of those people that considers others feelings and thinks others might think this way. I’d love to go out clubbing with this young lady even at my age. Not sure others would think it’s ok!

Thanks

There are some posters on here who really struggle with the idea that men can be decent people.

Their brains literally won't allow it.

I’m not saying it’s wrong to set boundaries or to choose not to share your number, that’s perfectly fine. But what I’m pointing out is that by saying he turned her down because it would be inappropriate, he’s already implying that her interest in having his number was sexual or romantic in nature.

That’s an assumption and it’s not a neutral one. It frames the young woman’s intentions as potentially inappropriate, even though she might have had completely platonic or practical reasons for wanting to get in touch. She could be networking, asking for advice or just trying to be friendly. But instead, her request was interpreted through a sexualised lens. That’s icky to me.

I think people have responded thinking you were a woman. I think you’re probably right, but handled it a bit clumsily. I’d probably say something like “oh you don’t need my number, I’m rubbish at checking messages anyway. You can just get in touch via your dad” and change the subject. I wouldn’t explicitly say it’s inappropriate.

So a ‘very attractive’ lady, much younger than you, asked for your number for unspecified reasons.

It would have been, as you correctly identified, completely wrong to comply. The correct response would have been to give her my number instead. (I’m also an older man.)

😀

Given you don't know why she wanted it, you don't know she doesn't need it for anything.

Telling her it was inappropriate wasn't nice.

He’s clearly flattered that a drunk, pretty woman gave him even a second of attention. He’s reliving it on here for us all to help eke out the encounter.

Not necessarily.

I'd feel it was inappropriate too if one of my friend's 23 year old sons asked for my number and I wouldn't give it to them. I'm 51.

I wouldn't assume it was sexual though.

He probably is. Maybe that's why it felt inappropriate. He still did the right thing by not giving it to her.

I think it would be very inappropriate for one of DH's friends to give DD his number, even if she asked, especially if she was drunk when she asked.
I'd be interested in her reasons for suddenly needing her Father's, married friends mobile number.

FFS!