Was I wrong to say it’s inappropriate for her to ask for my number?

[Ishoulddomore]

I was at a wedding today and the drink flowed a little.

The daughter of along time friend asked me for my number. I’ve known her for years and she hasn’t asked me before. She’s 23 and I’m 49. I said no and told her it’s inappropriate as she can ask her dad how I’m doing or to arrange a group meet up. Not sure why else she would want my number.

The thing is I think I’ve upset her by suggesting something that I don’t think she meant. She’s had issues in the past and I didn’t mean her any upset.

Did I do the right thing or was I unreasonable?

I actually don't think it was wrong for you to say she was being inappropriate, you could apologise for embarrassing her next time you see her, but I think you put up a firm and natural boundary. If my daughter asked my male friend for his number I'd hope that he would say the same.

It was a bit odd of her to ask as it is a bit inappropriate. You are married and she doesn’t sound like she quite understands social nuances. I think you have saved yourself a lot of potential hassle. It is better to slightly upset her than upset your friend and your wife.

I think you're getting a hard time in here and actually have behaved really well. We often see on here tales of men lusting after young women, but you in this case see that this is innapropriate and rather odd. You say she was clingy with you, had issues before and youre not that close. I think you picked on something that isn't right and actually she put you in an awkward position. I wouldn't be apologising profusely or asking permission from her parents speak her. Go with your gut. Speak to the dad but just explain you are sorry she is upset but you felt uncomfortable. It's a bit odd for her to ask.

If you had asked for her number you would have been shredded here. If you had given her your number and the potential problems you are concerned about happened you would have been shredded and told you were stupiid.

It might have been more diplomatic to say she doesn’t need your number, to contact you via her father but it boils down to the same thing you just haven’t used the actual word inappropriate. People’s reluctance to say what they mean causes way more problems than honesty spoken gently. And if she really is so naive she doesn’t see how wanting your phone number might look she really does need it spelled out to her

23 isn’t a grown up now?

Eh? I can't see that you've done anything wrong.

It is inappropriate for you to message your friend's attractive young daughter separately. I'd not want one of my husband's middle aged friends messaging my daughter.

She probably didn't mean anything by it, but 23 year olds often don't realise the vast potential for middle aged men to get the wrong end of the stick. Now she gets it, but not through the unpleasant experience of realising someone is getting off on her messaging with them.

You've dealt with it fine, I'd just act perfectly normally next time you see her. Get things back on track.

What a shame. She is an adult, you know, and maybe she had some strange idea you could be friends. I have friends of all ages, some half my age, some twenty years older.

If she enjoyed chatting to you, she would have liked to continue WhatsApping or something. People in their twenties and thirties make connections this way; it is normal. You sound uptight and need to get with the times. :)

I am sixty (female) and have friends who are late twenties and thirties, and some who are 80-90. Those in their twenties and thirties are often the most proactive to ask for my details and turn out to be very sincere. We support one another. You know, like friends do.

PS, I had not read that you are married when I posted the above. But I still would not make her feel awkward or discuss it with her dad as she is a grown woman! I do not think it is appropriate for discussions with parents when someone is a woman, not a child.

As a married man, I'd just chuckle and say, 'I'd love to but my wife wouldn't like it!' and make a joke of it.

are you female ? Sorry I can’t keep up with this ?

I thought I was in a parallel universe!

how patronising that people are telling the OP "you're the grown up". This woman has been a legal adult for 5 years not 5 minutes!

but anyway, this thread is all about the OP coming on here wanting a medal because he's "done the right thing" and told the woman off for being inappropriate when he could have given his number. Well whooped-do to you.

The poor Women is probably mortified by your reaction.

I do find it very odd a grown woman is being seen as needing to be communicated with via her parents, because at the age of 23 she cant possibly be receiving direct messages and you need her father's permission. What is this, 1850?

Tbh the woman will prpbably not want to message him about anything anymore anyways after this Victorian fiasco.

Yeah his reaction is the mortifying bit here, not getting drunk, hugging your dads mate repeatedly and then asking him for his number, just to be politely rebuffed.
Edited to add, his married mate.

How many women on here would be fine with your husbands giving their number to their friends’ 23 year old daughter after she got drunk and clingy? I’m guessing very few indeed and you’d be expecting him to act exactly like the OP did by telling her it was inappropriate.

OP You did nothing wrong. I cannot believe some of the comments in this thread. It was inappropriate and if the husbands of the posters on here were taking the numbers of young girls it would be a very different story, especially as there was no reason to text.

Sadly it’s also a risk in this day and age and anyone should be allowed to say no in this situation.

Be nice - this thread screams of man haters! 🫣

This 100 times over op you did exactly the right thing I cant understand some of these replies at all

now you have explained further you were not wrong to refuse to give her your number
you should have given the full details in the opening thread.
if she wanted your number for her dad's 50th, she could have explained that at the time.

You phrased it badly as it does sound like you thought she was coming onto you. But you weren’t wrong in not giving your number. I’d be disappointed / worse if my husband started messaging a woman 26 years younger than him.

But if you’re on group chats, surely she already has access to your number?

I think you’re obsessing over it a bit now though, why is that?

I wouldn’t overthink this or apologise. I think your instincts were probably right and it was inappropriate. I also think it’s ok for you to have been honest about that. You were the grown up and your behaviour was consistent with that. It’s not rude to be clear and honest if someone has overstepped a boundary.

Why are you in a group chat with her in the first place?

Why are you, a middle aged male, posting on Mumsnet? Surely you’d just ask one of your mates? It’s all a little suspicious to me.

There was nothing wrong with your response. It's inappropriate and she's old enough to know this.

I don't think you did anything wrong either @Ishoulddomore. She gave no context to wanting your number so I wouldn't have wanted to give it out either. I know some posters were suggesting it's innocent or maybe she wanted to arrange a 50th party for her dad, or make work connections but surely she would have said that at the time of asking (hey, I am trying to find numbers for all of dad's friends to arrange him a party next year. Please can I have yours. Also do you know Bob and Fred's numbers too).
I think you did the right thing in not giving it and I wouldn't mention it again.

I think you may have got different responses if you’d stated you were male in your first post.
I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. As you say, if she wanted your number she could always ask her dad.
I think if I was your wife I’d be suspicious of some young woman asking for your number for no reason at all. It sounds like she likes male attention maybe.

Your ridiculous agreesive response to my post was uncalled for.
Nice, low blow, no my DH is a good man, my DD is not a tramp, the fact you insinuated it based on my response has irritated me.
I am surprised you've anyone special in your life.

That's how I read it, and going against the grain I don't think it's terrible for OP to point out that would be a bit inappropriate - it would be and I imagine might well cause issues with her dad. Perhaps they could have said it a little more tactfully, but we're not always perfect when put on the spot, and IMO there's a difference between saying something would be a bit inappropriate, as OP said, and saying YOU are being inappropriate.