I’m so angry at DH

[bottletop26]

A bit of backstory. Dh and I married and had children young. We have been together over 30 years and our children are now adults. Throughout the years we have struggled financially. Young children, mortgage and at the start of our careers. We just about managed but I didn’t find it fun. Dh on the other hand looks back on it through rose tinted glasses. He wasn’t the one adding things up as we went through the supermarket though!

We are now late 40s. Mortgage has 10 years left and we are comfortable. It’s been such a weight lifted off my shoulders to be able to afford a good life. I’m a simple soul so a holiday in the UK once a year and a city mini break is enough. DH doesn’t like travelling at all. We go for dinner once or twice a month and I’m not counting the pennies in the supermarket anymore. I’m even in the position to be able to help out our children sometimes.

DH quit his job. No warning or anything just quit. He didn’t like the way he was spoken to by another manager when they were stressed so he walked out. I am furious.

He said he has been thinking about leaving for a while and he had just had enough. Work has allowed him to take his holiday as his notice and 2 weeks unpaid. I am so so angry.

He has been off 3 weeks now. He finally got around to doing his CV today - it’s not finished though.

Today I got home and he had baked a cake, the housework was done and dinner prepared. He made a comment about being a house husband. I snapped. I told him that I didn’t want to go back to how it was where we had to watch every penny. I don’t want to work and have no money to play with. We can afford to live on my wage and it would leave us with £75 left over. That’s it, no money for saving, no fun. I don’t want to. He’s called me selfish for feeling this way!

just to add he’s not depressed, having an affair or anything he just doesn’t want to work at 49 anymore.

ODFOD with your assumptions about my relationship with my DH! I've left a job suddenly, but I discussed my plans with my DH and got my skates on and secured another almost immediately. I didn't just unilaterally decide to retire to stay at home baking cakes and watching daytime telly, which seems to be what the OP's DH has done.

Maybe because he had to leave his job suddenly and so he needs to reset. You know like humans might need to...

Ahhh diddums, he doesn't like harsh words being said to him so his job is unbearable 🙄

Tough titties. You cant just walk out of a job when you have joint responsibilities for finances.

Op id find it hard to respect him after this.

You sound like a right catch. What age were you when you lost the last of your humanity?

So he wants his wife and kids to take care of him the rest of his life?

You're not on the solid ground you thought you were. He made a huge unilateral decision that will upend your lives.

I absolutely would end a marriage over an able bodied person refusing to work when they were able and there's no childcare responsibilities or disabilities involved with no discussion. I'd be seeing a lawyer ASAP to find out my options.

Yes, ive lost all humanity because I think its a dick move just walking out of a job over a few words 🤣

"Humanity".....lolz.

Hopefully he doesn't put the heating on during the day? If so, that has to stop.

Where have i issued ultimatums or communicated in threats? Are you ok?

You dont even know me, wind your neck in.

It is okay for his wife to be a slave though!

She said with no consultation with her.
That to me is arrogant.

I can see what you've written. "Diddums" etc.

Maybe she likes her job enough to stay. He couldn't.

So where is what I wrote indication of a threat or ultimatum?

Honestly, I'd leave him 😆
He has shown you no respect by talking to you about his decision or given any thought of the consequences. I'd sell your house to get yourself a little apartment and as you work, you can support yourself. Let him fend for himself.

That seems a very long winded way of saying "you didnt, I made it up"

Take half the money out of the savings, into an account of your own. That only you can access. He doesn’t get to spend all your savings and have 6 months off. And you’ll have a fuck off fund for when you inevitably have to leave him.

He isn’t acting as a team member, you don’t have to either.

I'd want to be absolutely sure he has no mental health problems if I were you. I walked out of a job in a similar way due to complete burnout, and went on to attempt suicide. I seemed fine before I tried to kill myself, and in fact better than I had been in weeks - because I'd decided on a way out. If you were 'solid' before this, why jump to assuming he's a scrounger?

I think there does need to be a conversation, but coming from a place of how it isn't fair for him to unilaterally decide he doesn't want to work, because that puts a strain on you, and would mean your life was all work and no fun.

There may be other ways to deal with this - maybe downsize and/or both go part time and/or him return to a different work with no stress.

I also do not feel anyone should be unhappy in their job, particularly nowadays when workers are paid an absolute pittance.

Your children are adults now, so you have a lot more freedom than you've had before. Life doesn't have to continue in the same way as before, and this could be a catalyst to a better life for both of you.

Or you discover he's an arse and you get divorced and he can piss his own money up the wall, without it affecting you.

This! Why the angry approach OP?

Clearly he is going through a tough time, perhaps midlife crisis or similar, and has made a rather quick decision. Obviously he must be going through alot. As a partner it is your duty to acknowledge his feelings and have a conversation with him and find a way forward together.

I understand your reasons for not wanting this situation but shouting and demanding doesn’t get you anywhere.

hope things get better for both of you

Goodness me, @bottletop26 you are so NOT unreasonable! He's a knob. So selfish.

Does he want to put his whole marriage & family in
jeopardy?

Stop doing any housework/cooking etc immediately. If he wants to be a "househusband" let him. And hand over ALL the budgeting to him, so he can see how tight the money is. But do keep spending as you wish - let him sort out the paradox of one partner doing all the worrying.

It sounds as though his "rose coloured glasses" were worn on the back of your worry & anxiety, and mental load.

A stay at home spouse situation needs to be mutually agreed upon. It sounds like financially it's not feasible. You both need to sock away as much as you can for retirement.

What the hell?? Poor you OP! I’d be fuming too! Who retires at 49??? Is he too young to even start drawing his pension? When you’ve calmed down you need to have a serious chat with him. He needs to be paying half of everything and how is he going to do that now? And no he is not allowed to use your precious family shared savings, well, maybe he could use half of them, but he needs to wake up and smell the coffee! He might be burnt out and need a sabbatical but you have to decide stuff like that between you. I hope you are now having some good chats and explaining to him that you aren’t going to just fund his time off. What about coming home and telling him you quit your job too and now you can both stay home and bake cakes together? That would be an excellent prank and might make him understand what he is doing? Hope he does take a new job soon and this is just him blowing of steam and recharging. Good luck!

I agree. ^

How are things going @bottletop26 ?