I’m so angry at DH

[bottletop26]

A bit of backstory. Dh and I married and had children young. We have been together over 30 years and our children are now adults. Throughout the years we have struggled financially. Young children, mortgage and at the start of our careers. We just about managed but I didn’t find it fun. Dh on the other hand looks back on it through rose tinted glasses. He wasn’t the one adding things up as we went through the supermarket though!

We are now late 40s. Mortgage has 10 years left and we are comfortable. It’s been such a weight lifted off my shoulders to be able to afford a good life. I’m a simple soul so a holiday in the UK once a year and a city mini break is enough. DH doesn’t like travelling at all. We go for dinner once or twice a month and I’m not counting the pennies in the supermarket anymore. I’m even in the position to be able to help out our children sometimes.

DH quit his job. No warning or anything just quit. He didn’t like the way he was spoken to by another manager when they were stressed so he walked out. I am furious.

He said he has been thinking about leaving for a while and he had just had enough. Work has allowed him to take his holiday as his notice and 2 weeks unpaid. I am so so angry.

He has been off 3 weeks now. He finally got around to doing his CV today - it’s not finished though.

Today I got home and he had baked a cake, the housework was done and dinner prepared. He made a comment about being a house husband. I snapped. I told him that I didn’t want to go back to how it was where we had to watch every penny. I don’t want to work and have no money to play with. We can afford to live on my wage and it would leave us with £75 left over. That’s it, no money for saving, no fun. I don’t want to. He’s called me selfish for feeling this way!

just to add he’s not depressed, having an affair or anything he just doesn’t want to work at 49 anymore.

Tell him you are happy to live together but you want a divorce as you are not subsidising him or his lack of pension in the future.

There is no point telling him you’ll divorce him or you’ll divorce him in a month or that you’re quitting too.

unless you actually are going to divorce him that’s just a nonsense.

and OP, I would seriously consider divorcing him. Not threatening to get control, just doing it. You could have it sorted in 6 months. He will barely be working by then even if he job hunts now.

Are you absolutely certain he just quit and didn’t get the sack? It all seems a bit sudden and secret.

I think it is only fair that both partners contribute equally. It is hard to be the only or main bread winner. I am constantly amazed on here by the number of women who have never gone back to work or only work part time. There was a thread on here recently where a wife was so indignant about her husband asking her to get a job. Only independent teens at home too.
The number of women deciding to give up work in their fifties or earlier has risen sharply in the last few years.
https://www.gov.uk/government/statistics/economic-labour-market-status-of-individuals-aged-50-and-over-trends-over-time-september-2025/economic-labour-market-status-of-individuals-aged-50-and-over-trends-over-time-september-2025
One of the key findings being

• the economic inactivity rate for women aged 50 to 64 remains statistically significantly higher, at 30.0% in 2025, when compared to men of the same age (22.0%)

There needs to be an expectation that both men and women are both economically active. In any partnership both need to share financial responsibility. The 'I don't fancy working', 'I would rather stay home' has to be dealt with by the Government. At the moment there is an upward trend as many decide working is a choice not a requirement.

10 years mortgage and will still be paying into the pension pot, he needs to go back to work as soon as possible. Sadly now though at 49, it's going to be harder and there's not many jobs out there.
Am so sorry, he needed to be part of a team with you, including chatting to you before giving up his job.

All this talk of divorce seems a bit severe. He needs to be able to make good of his mistake?

Haven’t RTFT so may not be the only person to say this, but interesting how he wants to be a house husband when the kids are adults 🙄

I like this! Amusing way to get a serious point over.

I’m not sure how realistic this idea that you can just talk him into getting a job is though.

who just quits and doesn’t consult their partner? Avoidant people, selfish people, stubborn people, or people with a secret (ie they were sacked or similar) emotionally healthy people who you can just sit down and have a good chat with don’t tend to behave like this

The neverending work-home-work routine is so bleak that I can definitely understand the temptation of just stopping altogether, but it baffles me that people (especially women!) are okay with putting themselves in such a vulnerable position financially.

Op, you have every right to be furious, I would be the same.
How incredibly selfish for him to just make this monumental decision alone, and then quip he can be a house husband.
I would be asking how he is going to support himself. What his plans are to be able to contribute to bills. I’d be making it very clear that you are not bank rolling this mid life crisis of his.
I think I’d be saying he can either grow up, get a job and contribute, or leave.

Come home tomorrow, say you didn’t like the way someone spoke to you so you’ve quit. Say he inspired you. See what he says.

To call for a divorce over this without him being given a chance to rectify his massive error is a bit.. fast. Give him a chance, they've been married a long time. If she is happy enough with the rest then surely they both should try? If he refuses point blank, for sure, it's time to think their marriage but he has (finally) done his CV. Only time will tell if he is serious about another job.

So he’s decided to retired and become a cock lodger?

The two options here is he finds another job or he finds himself single.

The whole idea quitting his job with zero discussion or clue it was about to happen and then telling you he'll be a house husband from now on and see how you like being the sole breadwinner, sounds very off.

Almost like resentment for the times he was at work whilst you were probably bringing up the children and perhaps SAHM at times or part time.. like he saw himself as carrying "the load" - if that's the case then he didn't see your two roles as equal.

He's behaving as if his decision doesn't affect anyone else and it does.

Are you SURE he quit?

This is so selfish and I'd not tolerate it. I'd not be supporting him a penny, he'd have to leave.

My friend's ex did this. Note, he is an ex, who 20 years on is now living in a one-bed rented flat whilst she remains in the family home she bought him out of.

FUCK THAT.

Also suspicious about his quitting story.

Did he get fired and is worried he won't be able to get a new job? Finding it easier to say he'll give up work than admit the truth?

He is far too young to stop working. Given how stretched you were financially in your younger years, I doubt you were both putting away much in your pension back then so both should be putting minimum 20pc of your salary in pension now until retirement age.

• being sick, injured or disabled continues to be the main reason why people aged 50 to 64 years are economically inactive in the labour market, with 44.7% of inactive individuals giving this as the main reason
• of economically inactive people aged 50 to 64 years, women (18.1%) were twice as likely as men (7.7%) to report ‘looking after home or family’ as the main reason for not looking for work, a statistically significant difference. Meanwhile, the proportion of men giving the main reason as ‘retired’ (32.5%%) was statistically significantly higher than women (26.9%)

The quote you pulled out implies that women can’t be arsed over the age of 50 (and that seems to be your interpretation of their “economic inactivity).

Common sense would suggest that the statistic in question actually hides a multitude of nuance, which is borne out by the above two paras in the same link. Ill health is most prevalent reason for economic inactivity in 50-64 age bracket (could working full time and raising children, while carrying mental load and much of the day to day of family life, having minimal time to take care of yourself and deprioritizing your own health and needs be connected with poorer health in your 50’s?). Women are having children later so do not necessarily have grown adult children in this age bracket, but may be finding that they are economically disadvantaged through taking time off during what may otherwise have been career peak years, unlike their spouses, so the benefit of working is reduced. Plus it is a typical age range in which caring for elderly parents might kick in.

I find it interesting that so many more men than women are “retired” in this age bracket - lots in interesting implications there, not just in terms of earning up to that point but also the way men and women may perceive not working (something they choose or something they are forced into).

The stat alone does not tell us that women do not wish to be economically active in this age bracket, especially on further reading.

OP - your husband is utterly thoughtless and selfish. I would get some financial advice to try and figure out what his lack of pension could mean to you over the long term if he doesn’t get straight back into work, and whether it’s a better choice for you financially to get out now. Hopefully his field is one in which there is plenty of work available, but in general it is a very tough market right now, so he has been an absolute idiot (or he’s a liar and there’s another reason he lost his job). Either way, consider your options.

If you took maternity leave and worked part-time when your DC were young, I don't suppose he's someone who thinks that was a nice break for you and he's owed 'his turn'?

I'd be telling him that I didn't need a house husband, I need a decent husband who contributes his fair share financially.

Your children are adults. His being a house husband is timed perfectly with there not being that much to do.

Unfortunately you're stuck with keeping the mortgage and bills covered for now to avoid credit problem. Make sure that's all you cover for him.

No spending money at all for him. No funding his car (if he has one), subscriptions, memberships, take aways or meals out etc.

After the basic bills and a very basic food shop the rest is yours. Use all of that £75 for yourself.

Another person who think he may have been sacked rather than quit…

what are you going to do OP?

Baked a cake ....no way tell him this is not on and he goes back to work or it's over.
Putting stress onto you baking cakes at home and being a house husband 75 pound left over.
Tell him it's not the life your prepared to live end of.

Thank you for all of the replies.

to answer a few questions.

I was never the SAHM. We have always worked. I’m a teacher so holidays with the children when they were small. Dh has never been a high earner. It’s always only been 5-8k between us.

Divorce seems a bit wtf at the moment. I cant even think about not being with him. We have always been so solid.

We have always been a team. I have never asked him to do anything as he’s always just got on with things.

I have seen the paperwork from work and the emails. It is exactly as he told me it happened.

I made a list of things I want to say without getting angry. We share all finances. We have enough savings for him to have up to 6 months off. That would wipe them all out though.

Are you sure he hasn’t been sacked?

Edit, sorry, I scanned but did not read.