I’m so angry at DH

[bottletop26]

A bit of backstory. Dh and I married and had children young. We have been together over 30 years and our children are now adults. Throughout the years we have struggled financially. Young children, mortgage and at the start of our careers. We just about managed but I didn’t find it fun. Dh on the other hand looks back on it through rose tinted glasses. He wasn’t the one adding things up as we went through the supermarket though!

We are now late 40s. Mortgage has 10 years left and we are comfortable. It’s been such a weight lifted off my shoulders to be able to afford a good life. I’m a simple soul so a holiday in the UK once a year and a city mini break is enough. DH doesn’t like travelling at all. We go for dinner once or twice a month and I’m not counting the pennies in the supermarket anymore. I’m even in the position to be able to help out our children sometimes.

DH quit his job. No warning or anything just quit. He didn’t like the way he was spoken to by another manager when they were stressed so he walked out. I am furious.

He said he has been thinking about leaving for a while and he had just had enough. Work has allowed him to take his holiday as his notice and 2 weeks unpaid. I am so so angry.

He has been off 3 weeks now. He finally got around to doing his CV today - it’s not finished though.

Today I got home and he had baked a cake, the housework was done and dinner prepared. He made a comment about being a house husband. I snapped. I told him that I didn’t want to go back to how it was where we had to watch every penny. I don’t want to work and have no money to play with. We can afford to live on my wage and it would leave us with £75 left over. That’s it, no money for saving, no fun. I don’t want to. He’s called me selfish for feeling this way!

just to add he’s not depressed, having an affair or anything he just doesn’t want to work at 49 anymore.

I'm wondering this too. Or perhaps his leaving wasn't entirely voluntary. I think there's a lot more going on than he's told you.

No, even if we accepted your version of whats going on in their relationship as the truth it still comes back to the idea of him saying he doesn’t trust her as his partner, but then in the next breath putting himself into a position to be reliant on her financially and forcing her to be sole provider against her will with no discussion or warning.

It’s completely unacceptable.

He is finished tinkering with his CV now, but he should have at the very least had that in order before he quit the job.

I mean really he should have found a new job before quitting but at the bare minimum updating his cv and starting the job search would’ve been better than whats he done now which is to start looking for jobs AFTER he has left.

Again, where is his compassion for her?

That's what happens when you have a relationship where someone can't come to you. Surprises like this.

My first thought would be why couldn't he come to me sooner. I'd be reflecting on myself and why I am not that source of comfort and understanding that I aim to be.

Yeah I fear I may be encouraging this strangeness so I should probably stop engaging too.

Because it really is a weird take to justify this man’s behaviour and pin the blame on OP who is the one left holding the fort.

It isnt about justifying anything. It is about saying that if A and B are in the pot, C is likely to follow. So if there is a relationship where someone cannot show weakness or vulnerability without derision, they will not be transparent about things that they associate with those traits. Not until they have to.

I'd be worried if it is a personality change. Time for GP visit.

I would. Its one thing to have robust debate but its just madness when the other person is making absolute nonsense up.

Tell him you also don’t want to work and are going to quit at half term.

Urgh no you don’t wanna go back to scrimping and saving and not being able to afford holidays, OP! Tell him in no uncertain terms that he can either get another job or he can leave.

I’m not sure I’d be quitting any job in the current climate. We recently got 200 applicants for a vacancy with my team. We failed to interview dozens of candidates who would have been recruitable.

What the hell is he playing at ? He's way off retirement. You're way off timing care of a grown up almost who refuses to pay his way. Not good enough. Put a timer on it. Job by X date ...

So he wants early retirement? Has he saved for retirement? No? Back to work!

If money was not a concern, would you still have the same reaction to his quoting job and being a 'house husband' ?

So DH had fallen out of love with his job and now fancies life at home instead, with only half-hearted moves towards getting a new job. This would be fine if it had been a joint decision and you were happy to be the sole bread winner. My cousin and her DH have lived like this for years and it has worked fine. But, and it's a big but, he didn't consult you and it's affecting your quality of life. It's time to have some serious discussions as to what you both want your life together to look like, how much money needs to come in and the best way to cover it. There are many ways out of this and I wouldn't think the first or best way to resolve it is to split up. Calm discussion is essential and both of you taking on board the other one's perspective.

Make it clear that he MUST get a job, no questions asked. For goodness sake he’s only 49!

His explanation sucks and doesn’t justify his behaviour. He had many better options. Also quite self-serving ‘poor me’, ‘I couldn’t talk to you’ - not good

It’s not at all ‘fine’ for him only to apply for ‘lower responsibility’ jobs now. Why are you accepting that? He should apply for everything he has prospects of getting.

lots of us have had bad situations at work and/or mental health challenges affected by work or a specific job situation and manage to stay in work and maintain earnings.

Lower paid/level jobs aren’t necessarily lower stress. The unilateral decision to only apply for lower paid work could have a huge impact on household finances, short and long term. Also putting more pressure on you.

He hasn’t shown much regard for your health and wellbeing here.

I think she has a right to be angry and DH has to take that on the chin

Money being a concern is a very key element to the issue here, so this is an irrelevant question.