I’m so angry at DH

[bottletop26]

A bit of backstory. Dh and I married and had children young. We have been together over 30 years and our children are now adults. Throughout the years we have struggled financially. Young children, mortgage and at the start of our careers. We just about managed but I didn’t find it fun. Dh on the other hand looks back on it through rose tinted glasses. He wasn’t the one adding things up as we went through the supermarket though!

We are now late 40s. Mortgage has 10 years left and we are comfortable. It’s been such a weight lifted off my shoulders to be able to afford a good life. I’m a simple soul so a holiday in the UK once a year and a city mini break is enough. DH doesn’t like travelling at all. We go for dinner once or twice a month and I’m not counting the pennies in the supermarket anymore. I’m even in the position to be able to help out our children sometimes.

DH quit his job. No warning or anything just quit. He didn’t like the way he was spoken to by another manager when they were stressed so he walked out. I am furious.

He said he has been thinking about leaving for a while and he had just had enough. Work has allowed him to take his holiday as his notice and 2 weeks unpaid. I am so so angry.

He has been off 3 weeks now. He finally got around to doing his CV today - it’s not finished though.

Today I got home and he had baked a cake, the housework was done and dinner prepared. He made a comment about being a house husband. I snapped. I told him that I didn’t want to go back to how it was where we had to watch every penny. I don’t want to work and have no money to play with. We can afford to live on my wage and it would leave us with £75 left over. That’s it, no money for saving, no fun. I don’t want to. He’s called me selfish for feeling this way!

just to add he’s not depressed, having an affair or anything he just doesn’t want to work at 49 anymore.

I also wonder what happened in his job. These things don't just come out of a clear, blue sky. It's his responsibility to say what happened though.

@Harriet9955 What does the GF think about her mum? I'm a bit worried for your DS!

My husband planned and trained (in his annual leave) for a career change to a less stressful job when he was 50. He was then let down by the company that had encouraged him to train on the understanding that they would employ him.
Instead of sitting on his backside or joking about being a househusband (despite us having actually paid off our mortgage) he got a delivery job and combined it with fruit picking which led to him being in the right place at the right time to actually get a job in the new field he had trained for.
Your husband is far too young to give up work and if he doesn't have the savings to enable him to contribute his half to the household expenses for however long he envisages taking this " break", then he needs to take any entry level job he can get.
You need to have a serious talk about money with him, but try to stay factual with out recriminations. Lay out the figures so he can see his "plan" just won't wash and set time frames for action: applying for jobs in his field, making an appointment at the job centre (or whatever it is called these days) applying for Christmas seasonal jobs....etc.
Good luck.

mine did similar- took voluntary redundancy without discussing it with me and then spent a year loafing about the house using the redundancy payment to pay his share of the bills. When that ran out he spent three months trying to get a job with me covering all the bills. He only looked at part-time roles and now has a low paid job paying just enough to keep up his contribution to the bills. Our marriage has never recovered and after another breach of trust incident by him i am divorcing him.

I can't believe anyone would do this without having a long discussion and agreeing on it first. Dropping this on you, hinting he doesn't intend to work again, then calling you selfish on top of it...Is he mad?

This was always his plan, you can either stay with him or split up.

OP, would he be open to the idea of applying to a supermarket such as Tesco as a delivery driver at this point? They are always so busy and needing drivers at this time of year. It will keep some money coming in while he thinks about the way forward and perhaps returning to his original line of work in the spring. I think that their shift patterns would still give him time to bake and so on.

Fair enough you don't want to to work any more either you've also quit your job and taken up a hobby and meeting friends if he doesn't need to work neither do you right

But you’re no longer a team. Because he made a unilateral decision and is coercing you into accommodating it. That’s not teamwork.

And he’s been really rash. If he was so unhappy in his job, he should’ve discussed with you, looked to maybe reduce his hours at work while looking for another job, including maybe a change of direction (or reduced hours in the new job) as long as he can pay his fair share of household expenses. Or even approached his employer about voluntary redundancy, which would’ve given him money to live on while he has a good chunk of time off.

You shouldn’t be using up all your joint savings to cover his share of the household expenses. He can use his share to do that if he wants. But not yours. I’d tell him that and show you mean business by taking your half out now and putting in your own savings account.

Make it clear, he has to pay his half of all household essential expenses going forward. How he chooses to do that is up to him. If he wants to live like a church mouse for a year rather than work, he can if he can pay his share. But suggest you book a holiday with friends or family, maybe even abroad.

Suggest you have a think about what you’d like your life to be like over the next 10-20 years. Your DH sounds like he’s disinclined to adventure or treats. If that’s want you’d like, I wouldn’t let him limit you. You don’t have to get divorced, but you could (and should) live the life you want to live, especially given you were a younger mother, so have taken responsibility for others for a long time. Put yourself first now.

This is so important. To make sure he can’t checkmate you financially.

Get you into a position where you have to pay if you stay together and pay if you divorce. Don’t give your tacit approval to being the sole earner. Strict time limit, then you must consider protecting your financial future.

Could he be unwell and not telling you? Is he able to speak openly and honestly about his mental health?

@bottletop26 I think its fair to be angry.

But people don't just snap for no reason, something around work has been building up in him for a while.
Did he talk to you about his job? what do you know about it?
You need to find out what is really going on with him

Yeah, this bullshit. He's 49! If he wants to retire then he needs a nest egg. Incredibly selfish of him to think you will be the breadwinner and he can stay at home and bake cakes.

You sound very similar to us. We married young (1994) and in effect I took over from MIL with the mental load. He earned more, but I was the one who penny-pinched to make sure everything was paid.
It's only recently I realised (naively or stupidly) DH had no idea how difficult this was. Whilst I thought he appreciated how difficult it was, it appears he thought the mental load/wife-work hardly existed because he'd never done it. I thought we were in it together... I was wrong. I've put my foot down in the last few years, although it is easier now DC are adults (our youngest has just left for university).
DH is diagnosed with ADHD so for my peace of mind I do still have the mental load, but I would leave if he quit his job and thought he could be a SAHD. It''s far more than cleaning, cooking and baking a cake. Our incomes give us a life I've waited thirty years for, was promised. Of course I'm projecting, but if DH quit his job I'd be angry in your position. He doesn't get to make unilateral decisions that affect your whole life. That's not fair, especially after thirty years.

Are you for real?

Of couirse she's fucking furious - and she can keep up being furious for as long as she bloody well wants.

Such a patronising post - it must be so lovely in your world. I bet there are no money struggles there at all.

My husband did the same 3 months after we got married in 2023. Said his employer/manager was useless so decided to stick it to them and walk out, without discussing with me first (which is not the first time he’s done that). He has not bothered to get a new job since then. Wondering now if that was his plan all along! From other responses here, I realise I never considered that he might be entitled to maintenance payments from me if we got divorced.

My ex husband did this. He had been having lots of issues with his boss and saying he wanted to start his own business for months. He asked me how I would feel bankrolling him for 3-4 months while he got set up. I said absolutely not as we had a two year old. He had a row with his boss and did it unilaterally anyway.

It was the trigger (there were other reasons) for the end of our marriage. I couldn’t get past the fact he had done it after I expressly said it was a terrible idea and knowing I had a tiny child. The lack of consideration and selfishness was the final nail in the coffin.

I couldn’t live with and pretend to love someone who was so childish and manipulative. I would find the cake baking business a huge insult yo your intelligence too: its like he knows he’s been a shit and it trying to butter you up. Like buying flowers after cheating. It would be the end for me, sorry.

Has he been sacked OP? His behaviour sounds very odd.

Some men find it very hard feeling rejected at work (I know he quit, but he was finding work tricky so therefor a kind of rejection). I think you have to tackle this and encourage / how good he is.

Realistically him being a house husband isn’t financially really viable or fair on you, he might respond more to carrot than stick on some conversations. Maybe even a different career path. Good luck.

Separate your finances op. Get your wages paid into a bank account that he doesn't have access too. Put half of the savings into an account in your name. Unfortunately you're going to be stuck with the bills and mortgage but once he's spent his half of the savings he won't have access to more.

He called YOU selfish? WTF?

His action was hugely selfish.

My father did this, his work situation was bad and affecting his mental health, but he hadn’t applied for other jobs before quitting. He was then out of work for a long time. Mum was angry and upset but stayed married. Money was tight again.

I don’t think in a similar situation I would stay married, unless he found another job quickly and acknowledged that what he’d done was the problem.

Why should she be pandering to this? Its a massive betrayal of trust.

Given the update i am taking it at face value he resigned

We have always been a team.

When a member of the team unilaterally makes huge financial decisions you are no longer a team.

My marriage just couldn't work like this.

separately....
I last looked for a job in 2020... looking for one this year was eye opening in a very very bad way. The market and hiring conditions are exceptionally challenging.

He is likely in for an unpleasant surprise if he thinks he will walk into a new role.
his industry maybe be different but in mine he would do very well to land something within 6 months. Ave time is 6m - 12m
He needs to do his cv today and start looking asap.
I found something in 6 months but I got lucky and I'm 40. Ageism is real and 50 somethings are struggling badly in the job market right now... as are people not currently in work (ie its harder for them)

I wouldn't divorce him! Can't believe that's some people's advice to you. You've been married for years, a good marriage, so don't chuck it away. You need to talk and talk and talk. Yes he should have spoken to you before doing anything, of course he should, but maybe there's more going on than you realise. Get talking and see where you end up. Be honest about how you feel. Hope it all works out OK x

A “good marriage” relies on trust and open communication. Neither are here in this scenario. One party has chosen to do something highly destabilising to the whole relationship without the permission or awareness of the other. Its a giant “fuck you”, up there with cheating in my view. It’s basically saying: “you can take care of us now because I can’t be arsed and your views, thoughts and feelings don’t matter.”

I’m not saying its a default divorce situation and maybe could be salvaged with genuine remorse but its currently a long long way from being a “good marriage”.

Tell him being a house husband is just not an option. He needs to get off his arse and find a job.

Dear @bottletop26
I agree with the person who said talk and talk and talk some more.

He has been really stupid here by not talking with you before he left.

This doesn’t mean it can’t be resolved or your relationship is at an end!!! He’s having some kind of midlife crisis potentially and maybe wants to shake things up in his life. I felt like this at 50.

Is there a way he can do something different? Can you both do something different?
can you chat with a life coach? You’re in a great situation - with grown up kids and your health and youth intact.
I get you’re angry he has taken this big step without talking with you but I hope it leads to some conversations about how you want to spend the next 10 / 20 years x