I’m so angry at DH

[bottletop26]

A bit of backstory. Dh and I married and had children young. We have been together over 30 years and our children are now adults. Throughout the years we have struggled financially. Young children, mortgage and at the start of our careers. We just about managed but I didn’t find it fun. Dh on the other hand looks back on it through rose tinted glasses. He wasn’t the one adding things up as we went through the supermarket though!

We are now late 40s. Mortgage has 10 years left and we are comfortable. It’s been such a weight lifted off my shoulders to be able to afford a good life. I’m a simple soul so a holiday in the UK once a year and a city mini break is enough. DH doesn’t like travelling at all. We go for dinner once or twice a month and I’m not counting the pennies in the supermarket anymore. I’m even in the position to be able to help out our children sometimes.

DH quit his job. No warning or anything just quit. He didn’t like the way he was spoken to by another manager when they were stressed so he walked out. I am furious.

He said he has been thinking about leaving for a while and he had just had enough. Work has allowed him to take his holiday as his notice and 2 weeks unpaid. I am so so angry.

He has been off 3 weeks now. He finally got around to doing his CV today - it’s not finished though.

Today I got home and he had baked a cake, the housework was done and dinner prepared. He made a comment about being a house husband. I snapped. I told him that I didn’t want to go back to how it was where we had to watch every penny. I don’t want to work and have no money to play with. We can afford to live on my wage and it would leave us with £75 left over. That’s it, no money for saving, no fun. I don’t want to. He’s called me selfish for feeling this way!

just to add he’s not depressed, having an affair or anything he just doesn’t want to work at 49 anymore.

Tell him you’re packing in your job as you don’t like it. What’s his view on that? He’s an irresponsible idiot.

As he's doing his CV he clearly intends to look for work

He reluctantly got around to his CV after 3 weeks..does not sound like someone keen to proceed with actuve job hunt.

This.

Lots of places are taking on Christmas staff - he needs to get a job

Well you're certainly not a team now by him doing this!

Supermarket work isn't low stress.

He is being utterly unreasonable. When in a couple, one cannot make a decision like this without your partner even knowing about it.
I would like to "retire" at 49, we all would, but it isn't reality.
From what you say you cannot afford for him to be a stay at home husband, it will decimate your savings and having 75 quid leftover at the end of the month isn't sustainable (it will only take a couple of emergencies like car breaking down, appliance needing replacing or increase in energy costs to wipe that out and put you in the red).
He needs to put all his energy into finding a job.

I hope you haven't mentioned the 'you have enough savings for him to have six months off' to him or that he's already realised that as he will be planning on taking every single one of those days off and then at the end of it he'll find it quite tricky to get a job and will hope you'll have got used to the situation as is. I have a friend who was made redundant, didn't fancy getting another job straight away (worryingly also took forever to do their CV), worked out how long they could live on the payout but has never worked since ... and that was 4 years ago.

So he finds another job like most of us have had to do at some point. Adults with mortgages and bills to pay don't get to unilaterally decide that they're going to retire at 49. While waving their spouse off to work every morning.

OP, it'd be ultimatum time for me - he has x weeks to find a job or divorce. In the meantime, I'd move my half of the joint savings into an account in my name.

Ok. I wouldn't behave like that towards my partner but we have a more mutually compassionate relationship than you seem to have so it just wouldn't turn into this. If my partner suddenly left his job, I'd know he had to.

This feels like a reverse written by a bloke.

If it was, there would be far more talk of the OP needing to understand and step up while his wife resets.

I would be putting the house on the market. You need to downsize to remove the remaining mortgage to free up some money - you will need to do that anyway if you end up resenting him so much your do split. See how he reacts to that.

I"d also be protecting 50% of the savings so you have some fun money left and he doesn't think that it is his to spend, stop buying his treats in the food shop etc. He needs to feel the pinch fast not in 3-6 mo ths when money is already tight and he has deskilled by being out of the workplace habit!

YANBU OP

That’s very selfish of him.

I see the Mumsnet Divorce Force is all over this thread.

If anyone actually listened to these nutters, no one would remain married more than a week.

I hope he comes to his senses OP. It must be very worrying for you.

This is true; move half the savings immediately to an account in your name. Say ‘that’s my half, you didn’t ask me if I want to use it to support your not working, and I don’t. It’s not available, if you need more money than your half you will have to get a job.

OP do you mean 5-8k per month gross? Thats still very big ! Halving it will definitely impact your life ... I agree with you and would be furious too

Maybe you should start with telling her dh that.

Instead of just leaving his job wo having a word with the OP about it.
Instead of assuming he could just be a ‘househusband’ wo checking with her

Im pretty sure the OP wouldn’t be so angry if he had done that. If he is bearing the brunt of it, that’s on him.

Oh my. I would lose the plot. Is he unwell? You are definitely not being unreasonable.

OP, is there something more to this?

My DH was made redundant at around 50. He decided he wanted a break; I’d had two years off when the children were born and he’d worked solidly since 21. I, of course, thought he’d never find another job and was so worried (kids at uni). My salary could cover the mortgage and bills but he got a good pay out - he wanted to use that to live on whilst I saw it as an opportunity to bank it.

I decided I had to trust him and understand he needed a break. He took three months, then started looking and was back in work within another month.

It’s hard not to worry but you have savings, can live on your salary and maybe he just needs to take a moment. It probably needs a time limit on it and an agreement that he will work again. But maybe he needs a MH break? Time for a full and frank conversation and maybe listen to what he is saying?

Oh dear. Sounds like a midlife crisis.
Could you support him in having say another couple of weeks as free time while he works out what he wants to do next? Emphasising that he must get a job unless he can suggest an acceptable way for you both to retire and enjoy free time. He may need, and be able to arrange, a change of career.

You need a serious talk where you explain clearly that you don't want to keep two people on your salary. So either he pays his way towards your joint lifestyle, or you would need to plan to go your seperate ways so you only need to keep yourself. Assuming this is how you feel of course, and that you'd be prepared to follow it through.
It's helpful to have an idea of how much you need him to earn to cover his share, because it may be an option for him to take a low stress low pay job as a compromise, or to work part time, provided he brings in the necessary amount.
You may also need to think through your financial past and consider whether there have been times when he's contributed more than you (leaving aside child care commitments) because if he's been the higher or only earner for some periods, then he will no doubt point that out, so you may be expected to allow a compromise that makes that fair.

I would find this totally intolerable too! My DH is giving up work at 59 at the end of the year (and we have 3 secondary school aged children) which is annoying enough but he has savings and investments and mortgage paid off last year so it is actually not going to affect us too much once the outgoings of train fares and dog walkers and child benefit tax are taken away. If he had tried to pull this stunt 10 years ago I would not have accepted it at all.
He can destress for a few weeks then find another job, hope he is able to see your POV about this.

To add, I am a few years younger but have no intention of giving up work until the children have left education.

He just needs to get another job asap and understand you can’t just flounce out of a job without having another one lined up. Tell him in no uncertain terms you will not be carrying him or burning through savings while he slacks about at home.
make sure he is speaking to recruiters and applying for jobs, like it is a full time job.
I know someone whose husband has done this a couple of times, clearly doesn’t want to work much now and it has left them in a real mess financially. Don’t let that happen to you.