I’m so angry at DH

[bottletop26]

A bit of backstory. Dh and I married and had children young. We have been together over 30 years and our children are now adults. Throughout the years we have struggled financially. Young children, mortgage and at the start of our careers. We just about managed but I didn’t find it fun. Dh on the other hand looks back on it through rose tinted glasses. He wasn’t the one adding things up as we went through the supermarket though!

We are now late 40s. Mortgage has 10 years left and we are comfortable. It’s been such a weight lifted off my shoulders to be able to afford a good life. I’m a simple soul so a holiday in the UK once a year and a city mini break is enough. DH doesn’t like travelling at all. We go for dinner once or twice a month and I’m not counting the pennies in the supermarket anymore. I’m even in the position to be able to help out our children sometimes.

DH quit his job. No warning or anything just quit. He didn’t like the way he was spoken to by another manager when they were stressed so he walked out. I am furious.

He said he has been thinking about leaving for a while and he had just had enough. Work has allowed him to take his holiday as his notice and 2 weeks unpaid. I am so so angry.

He has been off 3 weeks now. He finally got around to doing his CV today - it’s not finished though.

Today I got home and he had baked a cake, the housework was done and dinner prepared. He made a comment about being a house husband. I snapped. I told him that I didn’t want to go back to how it was where we had to watch every penny. I don’t want to work and have no money to play with. We can afford to live on my wage and it would leave us with £75 left over. That’s it, no money for saving, no fun. I don’t want to. He’s called me selfish for feeling this way!

just to add he’s not depressed, having an affair or anything he just doesn’t want to work at 49 anymore.

I think telling him there’ll be £75 left will hit hard. We’ve worked out finances and worked out how much we’ll have too if one of us quits work, but we’re some years ahead of you and have other sources of income.

I’m appalled he’s done this: is he genuinely thinking he can be a ‘house husband’ when the kids are up and gone? He’s unbelievably naive/stupid/selfish. Start up a new bank account, he doesn’t have access, all your wage goes into it, plus half of any savings. He’s quite mad. If he is thinking of your mat leave, I’d remind him that you did that so he could build his career/not have the responsibility of raising the dc. Now, somebody being at home is not necessary.

My DH had been in the same job for 35 years and was made redundant (voluntary). We moved house after a few months to a completely new area. He found lots of temporary positions as he is a skilled manual worker, and had lots of varied work. So if he wants a different life maybe he could do fill in jobs for a while so money keeps coming into the home.

Well he can’t have as much as 6 months off in that case!

He needs to take any job he can in the meantime whilst he actively searches for another that pays a similar wage to the one he was on before.

Honestly, we’d all like to just quit and stay at home with no responsibilities, once there’s no kids to look after and it’s become an easy gig (esp having never stayed at home when the kids were little and it was the more difficult gig!).

Who’s he kidding? His idea of househusband is unemployed scrounged - from you! He needs to realise that he still has to meet his half of the bills, non negotiable.

I'd be beyond fuming and demand he find work or divorce. What an absolute git.

No, he doesn't get to have six months off! That's absolute outrageous. He's behaved like a teenager knowing that you will pick up the pieces. I would tell him in no uncertain terms that I would not be picking up the pieces and I would sooner divorce him than do that. It's absolutely selfish behaviour.

I’d be clear he pays half the bills but how he does it is up to him. I’d give him a dead line to get a job and cancel any ‘luxury outgoings’ so literally pay mortgage, utilities and shop at Lidl basic food until he is contributing again.

WOW. You're one of these people who think maternity leave is a holiday aren't you?! I'm cringing for you! 😖 Also women/mums who work part time, do more hours of graft and labour in a week than any man does. WAY more. How DARE any man think he is owed some 'years off?!'

This would be a dealbreaker for me @bottletop26 I would give him a month to find a job, and then I'd be getting my ducks in a row. No way could I be with a shirker, a workshy slacker, a cocklodger, no way. All the men in my family going back generations, have been hard working industrious men who proudly provided for the family they had created.

WTAF has happened to some men? The OP's husband is wanting to retire at 49? And with no plan of how he's going to fund it? Fuck that shit!!! I wouldn't be staying with him. The men in my family have always worked 45-55 years, and some fought for their country ... I cringe at how inadequate and embarrassingly weak some men are these days. 😬

You can bet your bottom dollar that the OP's husband - who wants to be a house husband - will barely lift a finger in the house too. Probably run the vacuum cleaner around once a fortnight, and wash the odd cup, but no WAY will he do anywhere near the amount of domestic chores and wifework that the OP has done all over the years!

Nah, give him an ultimatum @bottletop26 Shape up or ship out. If you do leave the marriage/divorce him, you may not be too well off financially, but at least you won't be supporting his lazy narrow ass!

He cant run through all of your savings so he needs to have a much shorter deadline than 6 months. I have some sympathy for wanting to tell your job to shove it, but in that case he needs to find another job. Maybe not what he was doing before, but he needs to bring in some money. I would be really angry too if I were you OP.

Oh, this is difficult.
I am a single parent so my advice may be tinted a bit by that. But I would quite like to come home and all my housework be done and the meals cooked. It would make a difference from me doing everything on top of my job as well 🤷🏻‍♀️
However, in a marriage you are supposed to be a partnership and he has acted recklessly in just walking out of a job without discussing it. But you still want to be together so your question is really how to salvage this.
I think I would sit down with him and ask what his plans are, how he will bring money into the house, and how all the financial load will be shared going forward. I would explain that I did not wish to be the sole breadwinner and I do not want to start resenting him or being angry because I want our marriage to work. I think communicate about how you feel. He has done his CV, it needs to start going out to people and he needs to apply for jobs.
Basically he has made a mistake chucking in his job without already having one to go to, he’s done it because he knows you are working, but you did not agree to that pressure.

Yanbu. In a partnership you don't unilaterally make a decision that affects the other person's quality of life without agreeing it with them. You don't decide what their half of the savings go on. And you don't call someone selfish when they raise reasonable objections. Why should one of you work full time while the other doesn't work at all. Surely dropping a day (each) would have been more sensible if he was genuinely at risk of burn out

The poster wasn’t saying she thought he should get a maternity leave 🙈 read it again!

@BatchCookBabe I am sure that is not what @YourFairCyanReader was saying at all.

They were saying that OP's H seems the kind to think Mat Leave is a holiday and now he wants his turn

He can't retire at 49 - that's obvious.

I wouldn't spend any energy on this nonsense. He's got to get another job - end of discussion.

The only reason I can think of that he would do this is that he feels he desperately needs a break. After all, he must know that you can't afford for him not to work.

Yeah, he can't just do this. You're meant to be a team. If he won't take a compromise, such as another three weeks off and then he takes whatever job he can get, even temp stuff while finding something more permanent, then you will just have to come down on him hard. He can't just not work anymore. Apart from any other issues, it sounds like you can't afford for him not to work.

He can’t afford to be a house husband- the end. The mortgage isn’t paid off for a start- he has another ten years left of working/contributing.

Is he bad with money? Is there a reason he’s made this huge decision off his own back? Is he just trying it on hoping you agree?
Is there a compromise where he could work part time and still cover his share?

I did misunderstand @YourFairCyanReader 's post. Many apologies to you.

The rest of my post I stick by though!

Don't let him use up the savings. Why should he have all your saved up money? It was for both of you.

Not sure why people are saying kick him out or divorce him. I'd be annoyed that my husband did this but I'd like to know why? Is he OK is he depressed. I understand none of us want to work and would all love to just quit but we can't.
You need a good talk and a heart to heart, arguing and fighting will not solve anything and being angry eventually will just make you bitter as understandable as it is.
Hopefully he eventually understand that this is a serious matter and needs resolving ASAP, work together on it but be strong and hold your ground that he needs to find a job.

Even if divorce isnt in the cards I'd do financial separation immediately ie. split savings and bills in half. Your income goes to your account for you to pay your half of the shared expenses, rest is for you to use as you please. He already unilaterally made the decision to massively cut your family income for no mature reason, it is not unreasonable for you to protect yourself.

You can't make a grown man do anything but he needs to realise that actions have consequences. He quit his job with zero plans to contribute to the family financially, it is up to him to decide how he wants to fund his share of your strapped. Whether it is draining his savings or pension or driving uber. You shouldn't sacrifice your financial security for this and you certainly should mot drain your emergency fund because of his idiocy.

75 pounds left over in the UK at the end of the month means a desperate situation

we just spent thousands on needed repairs and replacing things ....if I did not have much more than 75 at the end of the month, we would just live in a broken home with buckets, leaks and all sorts

Given the suddenness and apparent levity of the reason for him leaving, I suspect he's probably struggling mentally; burnt out or having a small breakdown for example. Normal healthy people don't walk out of a career suddenly because they didn't like the way someone spoke to them. He may be reluctant to admit this.

That said, he can't just put all the financial responsibility on you.

Now you say you can survive on your wage, so him having a particularly high paying job may not be necessary. Could he get a low-stress role in e.g. a supermarket for example, or could he go part time in his old career?

I think you need to sit him down and have a real come-to-jesus conversation where you both work out what's going on, what your financial and lifestyle expectations are going into retirement, and how you can make it work.

That’s so irresponsible of him! How on earth does he expect you to support you both and save for retirement.

What a fool.

@BatchCookBabe I'm cringing for you!

What’s been going on in your marriage that means you’ve not been able to discuss this together?
There must be quite a disconnect if this came as a surprise, and that’s sad for both of you.
I hope you can get over your anger and actually find out what your husband wants and how he’s going to get there. It doesn’t sound like he’s checked out if he’s working up a CV and managing the home.
But Hey, what do any of us know on here? And if you’re asking Mumsnet, you’re asking the wrong people.

You need to say that. That you valued the teamwork in your marriage and this wasnt that. Its OK if he hated his job so much he wanted to leave but that was too big a decision to make without consulting you.

Hes acting silly, thinking he can just not work. How does he envision paying for things, being a house spouse is joint 2 yes decision.. I think you need to say if the job was so intolerable you had to leave... ok. But you need to both recognise the need to have 2 incomes.