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Original poster

I’m so angry at DH

243 replies

bottletop26 · 13/10/2025 19:02

A bit of backstory. Dh and I married and had children young. We have been together over 30 years and our children are now adults. Throughout the years we have struggled financially. Young children, mortgage and at the start of our careers. We just about managed but I didn’t find it fun. Dh on the other hand looks back on it through rose tinted glasses. He wasn’t the one adding things up as we went through the supermarket though!

We are now late 40s. Mortgage has 10 years left and we are comfortable. It’s been such a weight lifted off my shoulders to be able to afford a good life. I’m a simple soul so a holiday in the UK once a year and a city mini break is enough. DH doesn’t like travelling at all. We go for dinner once or twice a month and I’m not counting the pennies in the supermarket anymore. I’m even in the position to be able to help out our children sometimes.

DH quit his job. No warning or anything just quit. He didn’t like the way he was spoken to by another manager when they were stressed so he walked out. I am furious.

He said he has been thinking about leaving for a while and he had just had enough. Work has allowed him to take his holiday as his notice and 2 weeks unpaid. I am so so angry.

He has been off 3 weeks now. He finally got around to doing his CV today - it’s not finished though.

Today I got home and he had baked a cake, the housework was done and dinner prepared. He made a comment about being a house husband. I snapped. I told him that I didn’t want to go back to how it was where we had to watch every penny. I don’t want to work and have no money to play with. We can afford to live on my wage and it would leave us with £75 left over. That’s it, no money for saving, no fun. I don’t want to. He’s called me selfish for feeling this way!

just to add he’s not depressed, having an affair or anything he just doesn’t want to work at 49 anymore.

OP posts:
Lollipop2025 · 13/10/2025 21:32

I would expect him to get some counselling or something. If my husband did this i would think he was having a massive burn out.
Honestly my husband had a similar situation and was sacked even though we talking and I could see the signs, I wish he had just taken the 6 months sick pay but he refused - male pride i think in his case.
Obviously you need to be furious and set some boundaries but I would go gentle also. Maybe set a time line 3 months? And he then he needs to take any job
I think mens metal health shows different to women.
It is absolutely awful for you and it was awful for me too, we were finally financially comfortable and it was such a blow.

PaddlingSwan · 13/10/2025 21:32

Just tell him to leave and make his own way in life.

Gowlett · 13/10/2025 21:38

I’m 49 & pissed off with work too. Sigh…

ShodAndShadySenators · 13/10/2025 21:43

That nest-egg of savings isn't intended for either of you to have a six month holiday, is it? It's your safety net for any big impact repairs and the like. With ten years still to run on the mortgage, it would be insane to decide that only one income is needed and you can both get by on that, while himself lolls about at home earning nothing. He needs more pension payments for a start and to cover his share of the mortgage and bills. Where's that going to come from?

He needs a wake up call. It's all very well throwing in the towel when you've got something else in the pipeline, but he clearly doesn't. He needs to be earning too, so what's he going to do? Does he have plans other than "sit at home while @bottletop26 works her fingers to the bone trying to make ends meet"?

illsendansostotheworld · 13/10/2025 21:44

DysmalRadius · 13/10/2025 19:49

Lucky for him that his decision to be a house husband coincides with there being no small children that need organising and chivvying and picking up and cleaning up after!

He's got a flipping nerve, unilaterally deciding that he's not going to work any more and just leaving you to 'keep' him just when the rest of the household needs his contribution the least!

Very good point

Mafsisback · 13/10/2025 21:46

He has definitely been planning this for a while and didn’t discuss with you as he didn’t want to listen to your objections. Massively reckless and selfish of him. I’d tell him he needs to get a Christmas part time /casual job by next month and then keeping applying for more permanent positions.

YesImaman1100 · 13/10/2025 21:47

To be fair, I am 50, and I don't want to work anymore either.

Unfortunately, I realise that my lifestyle will change drastically and I'll have no money. So I get up and do what I need too. Like a fucking adult with responsibilities. (2 French Bulldogs that need vets, food and balls)

He is a complete tool for doing this and to be honest, like the posters above, I would suggest you have a hard time limit for him being in work, or off he fucks.

TeamGeriatric · 13/10/2025 21:48

I'm a similar age, and also would quite happily stop working, I say this even having had a year break between jobs not so long ago. I can however see exactly what my earnings pay for, and how much more comfortable we are with me working and how my earnings benefit the whole family and I can't just walk away. Our kids are also much younger and we are still in the depths of juggling school holidays. I think it's possible the appeal of being at home will wear off for your husband, hopefully he just needs some time to recharge and then will have some energy to look for something else.

Orpheya · 13/10/2025 21:55

Bagsintheboot · 13/10/2025 21:23

Given the suddenness and apparent levity of the reason for him leaving, I suspect he's probably struggling mentally; burnt out or having a small breakdown for example. Normal healthy people don't walk out of a career suddenly because they didn't like the way someone spoke to them. He may be reluctant to admit this.

That said, he can't just put all the financial responsibility on you.

Now you say you can survive on your wage, so him having a particularly high paying job may not be necessary. Could he get a low-stress role in e.g. a supermarket for example, or could he go part time in his old career?

I think you need to sit him down and have a real come-to-jesus conversation where you both work out what's going on, what your financial and lifestyle expectations are going into retirement, and how you can make it work.

well no, because if my husband came to me with such a grin and said something stupid like that, I would be giving him a shit storm of choice words

Orpheya · 13/10/2025 21:59

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400rider · 13/10/2025 22:01

Well, does he really understand the concept of being a househusband?
He possibly thinks it’s going to be cushy particularly if the children have fled the nest.
My husband walked out of jobs more than once while our kids were young. As much as I disliked his decision, he always seemed to have a career change up his sleeve. When there was a gap between starting though he realised I wasn’t going to lift a finger at home until he returned to work because my own career was carrying the family and picking up extra hours were tiring.

Being a teacher must be exhausting…no time for washing clothes, dishes or making pack lunches…..didn’t the garden need a look at too?
And, others are quite right about state pension payments, that ‘gap’ will make a huge impact on later life of unpaid contributions.

He’s not in a position to play house sadly, by the sounds of things, so sit him down and give him the application form to stack shelves at the supermarket as a start back into the real world.

DiscoBob · 13/10/2025 22:09

House husband or wife isn't a thing unless you've got kids under 18 or even 16. Especially If you can't afford it. Tell him you'll take your half of the joint account and go fully sperate finances.

Bambamhoohoo · 13/10/2025 22:10

Well it’s not much comfort, but he has almost certainly paid enough NI to qualify for state pension, being 49 and assuming he’s been in work most of his adult like

2025VibeandThrive · 13/10/2025 22:11

Was the comment about being a house husband just a joke though?

I agree it was a risky thing to do, I recently moved jobs and I applied for lots, never heard back, interviewed for many and only got offered 1. It is a tough market.

Hopefully if you make it clear it’s completely unaffordable he’ll get his act together.

TheSuperfluousWoman · 13/10/2025 22:13

ToKittyornottoKitty · 13/10/2025 19:20

Sounds like the communication between the two of you is poor. He was unhappy in his job, and he’s right to change that, but you didn’t agree to support him financially so he needs to find something else. The pair of you need to sit down together and work out how much time any savings you have buys you, and make it clear it needs a job. Being really angry is pointless though, it won’t achieve anything good but it may just make things worse. Time to work together

No it seems like the husband cannot communicate.

TheSuperfluousWoman · 13/10/2025 22:14

bottletop26 · 13/10/2025 19:02

A bit of backstory. Dh and I married and had children young. We have been together over 30 years and our children are now adults. Throughout the years we have struggled financially. Young children, mortgage and at the start of our careers. We just about managed but I didn’t find it fun. Dh on the other hand looks back on it through rose tinted glasses. He wasn’t the one adding things up as we went through the supermarket though!

We are now late 40s. Mortgage has 10 years left and we are comfortable. It’s been such a weight lifted off my shoulders to be able to afford a good life. I’m a simple soul so a holiday in the UK once a year and a city mini break is enough. DH doesn’t like travelling at all. We go for dinner once or twice a month and I’m not counting the pennies in the supermarket anymore. I’m even in the position to be able to help out our children sometimes.

DH quit his job. No warning or anything just quit. He didn’t like the way he was spoken to by another manager when they were stressed so he walked out. I am furious.

He said he has been thinking about leaving for a while and he had just had enough. Work has allowed him to take his holiday as his notice and 2 weeks unpaid. I am so so angry.

He has been off 3 weeks now. He finally got around to doing his CV today - it’s not finished though.

Today I got home and he had baked a cake, the housework was done and dinner prepared. He made a comment about being a house husband. I snapped. I told him that I didn’t want to go back to how it was where we had to watch every penny. I don’t want to work and have no money to play with. We can afford to live on my wage and it would leave us with £75 left over. That’s it, no money for saving, no fun. I don’t want to. He’s called me selfish for feeling this way!

just to add he’s not depressed, having an affair or anything he just doesn’t want to work at 49 anymore.

Do not under any condition him being a house husband.
It means that if it comes to a divorce you would have to pay for him.
He's got to get back to work ASAP, if not it's divorce time.

Cornishclio · 13/10/2025 22:15

bottletop26 · 13/10/2025 19:02

A bit of backstory. Dh and I married and had children young. We have been together over 30 years and our children are now adults. Throughout the years we have struggled financially. Young children, mortgage and at the start of our careers. We just about managed but I didn’t find it fun. Dh on the other hand looks back on it through rose tinted glasses. He wasn’t the one adding things up as we went through the supermarket though!

We are now late 40s. Mortgage has 10 years left and we are comfortable. It’s been such a weight lifted off my shoulders to be able to afford a good life. I’m a simple soul so a holiday in the UK once a year and a city mini break is enough. DH doesn’t like travelling at all. We go for dinner once or twice a month and I’m not counting the pennies in the supermarket anymore. I’m even in the position to be able to help out our children sometimes.

DH quit his job. No warning or anything just quit. He didn’t like the way he was spoken to by another manager when they were stressed so he walked out. I am furious.

He said he has been thinking about leaving for a while and he had just had enough. Work has allowed him to take his holiday as his notice and 2 weeks unpaid. I am so so angry.

He has been off 3 weeks now. He finally got around to doing his CV today - it’s not finished though.

Today I got home and he had baked a cake, the housework was done and dinner prepared. He made a comment about being a house husband. I snapped. I told him that I didn’t want to go back to how it was where we had to watch every penny. I don’t want to work and have no money to play with. We can afford to live on my wage and it would leave us with £75 left over. That’s it, no money for saving, no fun. I don’t want to. He’s called me selfish for feeling this way!

just to add he’s not depressed, having an affair or anything he just doesn’t want to work at 49 anymore.

He is selfish and quitting without discussing with you is not something I would agree with. Tell him 49 is too young to retire so he needs to find another job and quickly. I would not support him financially and point out his pension will be tiny unless he finds something else. On what grounds can he call you selfish? Simply for not letting him lie around the house while you go out to work every day? If you worked part time in the past presumably you were doing childcare. As your children are now adults what does he propose he do during the day? Cleaning the house and cooking dinner won't be enough.

I would do holidays on your own as he won't be able to afford to go.

BeLilacSloth · 13/10/2025 22:16

I reckon he had this planned all along and he didn’t even walk out, probably handed his notice in long a go. He can’t be arsed anymore and wants you to be the breadwinner 🥴

Tiswa · 13/10/2025 22:28

I don’t think being a house husband with adult kids matters he is qualified and capable of working and they would expect him to work

there are no dependents he wasn’t penalised by taking time off

mathanxiety · 13/10/2025 22:38

He will find being a 'house husband' fun for one week.

Give him £25 to buy food, kitchen, and bathroom supplies for a week and let him produce nice meals and enough loo roll for that.

Or just waste no time seeing a solicitor and find out where you stand.

Looking back, were you counting pennies because he was always something of a chaos maker?

Is he punishing you for taking maternity leave many years ago?

Was he fired, and does he think a story about flouncing off in a fit of pique about disrespect would garner him.more sympathy? My exH did this.

Spendysis · 13/10/2025 23:08

I am similar age to you dh and i don’t want to work anymore either but like you I like to live a comfortable life. I have a few more years left to pay so I get full state pension and need to keep up my private pension contributions.
when i have annual leave without dh I joke about being a housewife are you sure dh wasn’t joking

Lavender14 · 13/10/2025 23:12

Indicateyourintentions · 13/10/2025 19:15

I think he has been planning this for a while.

My exact thought too.

I think he's been daydreaming about it and just used this as the excuse to actually do it, handing all responsibility over to you as he went.

It would be different if his mh was being compromised in the role, or if he was recognising the impact it would have on you both and family finances and was actively seeking new work but this laisse faire attitude would send me.

Lotsofsnacks · 13/10/2025 23:32

Are you sure he 1. hadn’t got into trouble at work, maybe he quit before being pushed, and thinks he won’t get a reference for a new job, so pretending he likes being a house husband? Or 2. Is having a lazy mid life crisis and quit his job on a whim and now likes pottering round home all day? Thinking he can put his feet up and you’ll pick up the slack? Id be furious in your shoes too. As you’ve finally got financially comfortable and he does this. So what would he have done if you were the one giving up
work? ?

Harriet9955 · 13/10/2025 23:41

Rosesfornoses · 13/10/2025 19:59

I think it is only fair that both partners contribute equally. It is hard to be the only or main bread winner. I am constantly amazed on here by the number of women who have never gone back to work or only work part time. There was a thread on here recently where a wife was so indignant about her husband asking her to get a job. Only independent teens at home too.
The number of women deciding to give up work in their fifties or earlier has risen sharply in the last few years.
https://www.gov.uk/government/statistics/economic-labour-market-status-of-individuals-aged-50-and-over-trends-over-time-september-2025/economic-labour-market-status-of-individuals-aged-50-and-over-trends-over-time-september-2025
One of the key findings being

  • the economic inactivity rate for women aged 50 to 64 remains statistically significantly higher, at 30.0% in 2025, when compared to men of the same age (22.0%)
There needs to be an expectation that both men and women are both economically active. In any partnership both need to share financial responsibility. The 'I don't fancy working', 'I would rather stay home' has to be dealt with by the Government. At the moment there is an upward trend as many decide working is a choice not a requirement.

Totally agree. I work in benefits and the number of households where one of a couple just isn't bothering to work anymore ( not because they can't due to illness or caring) is actually quite shocking ! I will be out of a job next year due to a fixed term contract ending and am worried to death already about it. Others don't seem to bat an eyelid about not working for years. My ds's gf's mum has never had proper job ever, just lived off various men.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 14/10/2025 00:04

I personally wouldn't be angry about him quitting if something at work was the final straw moment for him.

What I would be pissed off at is the lack of job hunting, and the suggestion of being a househusband.

My DH has been made redundant, and literally the day after he spent full days every day job hunting and applying for new jobs. He didn't give up and within a fortnight he had his next job lined up.

So I absolutely understand why you're angry at his lack of job hunting and desire to not work. But I would be supportive of his need to leave the job he was in. Now you need to work together as a team, you shouldn't need to talk him round to getting another job, but frustratingly in your situation it seems you need do.