DH has fallen out with my DD, because of how she spent her money

[Gianam]

So first of all, I know my DD is in an extremely privileged position, she knows this too.
DD is 25, she was just able to buy a flat with inheritance from her paternal grandparents, no mortgage so she’s set up really well, she didn’t have much left from the inheritance after this and all the associated costs but she felt like it was worth it to have a place that was really hers.

My DH isn’t DDs dad, but when his mum passed away she left DD £20,000, obviously DD didn’t expect anything at all in this situation. His mum had also left her a lovely letter telling her to use the money for something fun, and telling her how much respect she had for her.

DD used the money for a few things but notable £4500 on a piece of art for her new flat, some jewellery, paying a friend to paint her old snowboard to hang in her new flat and then some has gone towards her snowboarding trip in February.

I think this is exactly how his mother wanted the money to be spent, these aren’t clothes that will be out of fashion in a year but legacy pieces she can hold onto forever. DH thinks it was frivolous, spoiled and privileged spending and putting £4500 on art and similar amounts on jewellery is ridiculous. He has now said he won’t talk to DD as his mother would feel the money had been wasted.

I think he’s been utterly ridiculous, she hasn’t pissed it all on drink or random clothes. I think she’s been quite sensible and was told to use it for fun!

AIBU to think DH is being a bit of a prick with his reaction!

I think investing in art is a wonderful idea. That does however leave £15,500 to account for..😬 If the letter told her to do something fun with it then she has carried out her wishes. Is your husband privy to the contents of the letter?

Has your DH seen the letter that his mum left your DD? Maybe a photograph sent to his phone as a reminder of her intentions is worthwhile. Frankly your DD sounds incredibly sensible, most 25 year olds given £20k for something fun would go travelling. Artwork and jewellery are sensible investment pieces.

I don't think it matters what she spent it on he was probably jealous she got any money at all.

Your husband is a twat.

Money is always well spent on art and beauty. This won’t be a popular opinion though.

It was her choice . He cant dictate what it was used for. It was never his.
Does he know his mother said to use it for fun ?
Although I think art/jewellery is quite sensible.

He’s definitely being a bit of a prick!! Travel and experiences are absolutely what inheritance should be spent on, would he have wanted her to pay bills with it? Also, the art (and jewellery) will be a lovely piece that will likely remind her of DH mum and I think that’s lovely. When someone dies it puts your whole life in perspective, it shows you how fragile life can be and inheritance can help make memories with those still around you, your daughter has done the right thing and sounds very sensible xx

Well you do have a point but since your DH has been bereaved I guess his thought processes might be working differently. Have you asked him what he hoped she would spend the money on? Perhaps he feels she blew through it too quickly?

Did he receive an inheritance and if so what is he using the money for.

Remind him what a lovely mum he had and that fun is subjective.

What an idiot , it was money left to her and therefore none of his business , has he asked your daughters opinion on everything that he spends money on so that she can be equally scathing ?

A thing of beauty is a joy forever! Both art and jewellery fall into this category! Well done to your DD, and your DH is indeed being ridiculous. First of all it is for your DD to determine how it should be spent, and secondly, she has spent it well. I suspect he is peeved about something else/deeper.

‘He has now said he won’t talk to DD ‘

I think this is the problem. What a dickhead. Sorry. He’s never grown up has he. Child abuse btw, the silent treatment.

Is his bereavement colouring his view? Has he seen and intepreted the content of the letter? Is he put out because he sees it as having come from ‘his’ inheritance? Whatever the reason for his behaviour, it’s illogical, irrational and not remotely fair. Also the silent treatment used in this way is fairly abusive.

Yes he did, he used it to pay off debt and the rest he’s put into savings.

I think he wanted her to save it, keep it for a rainy day or at least in his mind “get more for her money” he feels the amount she spent on art and jewellery was excessive and she should have spent less of these things and therefore got more.

Is there a backstory? Is he always a complete twat?

I would have told my YP to buy one piece of nice far cheaper art to remember her by and then put the rest in an ISA, paying 4.5% annual interest, tax free. Giving £900 for annual snowboard trips. That would have been much smarter.

DD has already maxed her ISA allowance for this year so she’s not lacking savings.

I agree with you. The DD has shown great judgement here: she’s bought fun things that actually she can hold on to, will potentially go up in value as investment and she can also point at when people come round and say “stepdads mum left me money to buy this: I’m so grateful and I think of her every time I see it”.

Some people’s idea of spending it on fun would involve experiences like gigs, clothes, nights out and holidays: also fine if the money was for fun, but less tangible.

Show DH the letter again, and tell him to stop taking his grief out on your daughter.

He’s salty because he’s jealous maybe? To be honest spending money on art semms a small price to pay to realise step-dh is a twat 😂

I hope your dd isn’t too upset by his attitude.

almost no art or jewellry holds it's value. Less than 1%....

I’ve found over the years when people lose someone close that they love, the grief is hard to cope with. So they often become unreasonable focused on something else that is ‘wrong’. I think it’s displaced feelings, so they don’t have to think about their loss.
Just be gentle with your husband and talk about his mum and he will get over it.

It’s not his money so it’s none of his business. He needs to be told to grow up and keep his nose out of her business. He’s not even her father.

Does he want her to remember his mum fondly every time she looks at the art, and wears the jewellery, or just remember her stepfather being a colossal twat about it?

He's on the verge of ruining his mother's gift, which would be many times worse than if DD had blown the whole with nothing to show for it.

Art and jewellery are always a good buy.

Art and jewellery are “forever” things, though - and whenever she looks at the picture or wears the jewellery, she will remember his mum. I think that’s absolutely lovely and, by the sound of it, something that his mum would have liked too (given she said to get something “for her”). Your DH is being rather unkind about this. I could understand his sentiments (notwithstanding the fact that it’s not his money!) if she’d spent it all on makeup and clothes, but I think she’s been really sensible and thoughtful about it.

But if it's still worth it to her in 10,15 50 years, that's what matters. She's bought things she loves, that's an excellent use of money.

It’s not child abuse if the “child” is 25.

We did 3 things with DH inheritance

1. paid off mortgage and did a couple of bits to the house she has done this
2. put money into Isas and savings she has that
3. spent money on more frivolous things

so yes what she did was fine

but actually it doesn’t matter it was her money her choice and he needs to back down