DH has fallen out with my DD, because of how she spent her money

[Gianam]

So first of all, I know my DD is in an extremely privileged position, she knows this too.
DD is 25, she was just able to buy a flat with inheritance from her paternal grandparents, no mortgage so she’s set up really well, she didn’t have much left from the inheritance after this and all the associated costs but she felt like it was worth it to have a place that was really hers.

My DH isn’t DDs dad, but when his mum passed away she left DD £20,000, obviously DD didn’t expect anything at all in this situation. His mum had also left her a lovely letter telling her to use the money for something fun, and telling her how much respect she had for her.

DD used the money for a few things but notable £4500 on a piece of art for her new flat, some jewellery, paying a friend to paint her old snowboard to hang in her new flat and then some has gone towards her snowboarding trip in February.

I think this is exactly how his mother wanted the money to be spent, these aren’t clothes that will be out of fashion in a year but legacy pieces she can hold onto forever. DH thinks it was frivolous, spoiled and privileged spending and putting £4500 on art and similar amounts on jewellery is ridiculous. He has now said he won’t talk to DD as his mother would feel the money had been wasted.

I think he’s been utterly ridiculous, she hasn’t pissed it all on drink or random clothes. I think she’s been quite sensible and was told to use it for fun!

AIBU to think DH is being a bit of a prick with his reaction!

I mean, a peach sapphire, custom made belly button ring doesn’t exactly sound like jewellery that’s going to hold its value.
It does sound like she’s pissed it up the wall a bit…..that’s a very high life she lives for a 25 year old, - like a real housewife or something!
Your husbands just lost his mum, he’s maybe thinking about how long it took her to save the money? He’ll still be grieving.

How very insensitive, are you failing to understand that the inheritance comes about as a result of an adored person dying.

My children all received very significant inheritances before any of them had reached adulthood however they would forego all of it without even blinking to have the testator back.

Oh come on, she’s 25 she’s allowed to have some fun with the money too, she also bought some lovely 24 carat gold necklaces which will hold their value and I’d argue in contrast to many 25 year olds didn’t get any of the TikTok trending pieces which are neither personal nor likely to hold value.

Have you said to your husband that his mum specifically said she was to spend it on fun and, if so, what was his response?

This daughter has done nothing wrong. But also, she's 25 - why does her father even know how she spent the money? Why is she discussing this with anyone? It's her money - if she wanted to put it on a horse in the 4.30 at Ascot, it's her right to do exactly that. Her parents need to shut up and keep out of her business.

She is 25 and the money is legally hers to spend however she wants to. No one has to approve!

My dear late dad used to do this too. Everytime I use or look at one of his gifts is like having a piece of him with me, there is a pair of earrings in particular that are a good luck charm for me. Trust me, @Middlemarch123 I am sure your kids appreciate it too, now and in the future

OP, your husband is a twat, sorry. You have the most sensible 25-year-old ever, you should be very proud of her, and it seems that your MIL was too.

I’m not a frivolous spender at all (I would have saved it all and had no fun 😂), but I think that sounds like a fantastic use of the money, especially when your dd has already proven how financially sensible she is.

Your DD sounds great. Your DH sounds like a knob

More’s the point, she was specifically told to have fun with it.

You sound like you’ve raised a pretty solid young woman who yes has had immense privilege but has also made fully solid decisions around that privilege.

What have you actually said to your husband? I hope youve told him straight that he’s completely out of order to be this way with your daughter.
It smells of resentment and jealousy. She has had good breaks, yes. But because she’s spent the inheritance exactly how his mother suggested, on fun, I’m betting he’s seething she didn’t really need it (and therefore deserve it) whereas he had to spend his on debt.
The silent treatment is a form of manipulation - what’s he trying to guilt her into doing? Handing back the equivalent from her savings..?
I hope youve brought him up sharp.

It's likely he's grieving ad angry, and might have been taught/expected to hide his feelings, so heartbreak comes out as anger instead of tears.
I don't think it's wrong for your daughter to spend money she's told to use for fun on anything that she deems fun-whether that's investment art, jewellery, or holidays and partying. But for many of us, £20 000 is an unimaginable amount (don't think I'd ever got £200 to spend on non-essentials/bills etc when I was a teenager) that we would use for housing/education etc, and so it seems frivolous just to spend it-he might feel like this. That comes down to our own experiences and backgrounds (even though you say his mum was rich, I can't assume I know he's always had an easy life), but it does not mean she's gone against the giver's wishes in this particular case.

No, it's not ok for people to take it out on others like this, but nor does it make them evil-many of us react badly when we're hurting. Yes, we should learn to deal with things better.

He's being a complete twat about this.
Is it misplaced grief perhaps?
It doesn't justify it though. He will ruin his relationship with his stepdaughter.
She sounds like a perfectly sensible girl. I've no idea what his concerns are based in. She owns a home at 25. She has loads of savings. Honestly what's his problem? He just sounds controlling at this point.

Won't talk to her - dear me, how very silly.

Good for her she's taken the intention and wish of the person leaving the legacy. Also for people being sniffy about the belly bar she could well wear it forever, or she might not and she will still have the stone which can be fashioned into a ring. She sounds sensible over all and not at all lacking in assets

Don’t listen to the people saying she wasted it OP. The same people would (and some did) say spending 20k on a wedding would have been more appropriate. She can’t own jewellery or art, but she can spend it all entertaining friends for a single day and maybe still get divorced.

People’s priorities are fucked. It was fun money. She had fun. End of story.

He's not even her father. Not her fault that she's doing better in her career than his kid. Perhaps he should have been more ambitious. Bet she worked hard for the scholarship she received.

I think your DD sounds fab op. She’s been very sensible with her money and used this money she was gifted to carry out the wishes of the person gifting it to her.
Your DH on the other hand sounds awful, I do not think I could be with someone who has stated they are going to ignore my DD. How does he expect family events to pan out now?

Yes, he’s being a prick. No one gets to dictate to anyone else what they spend an inheritance on. Do you think he resents the fact that his mother left her the money?

I agree with him that she’s wasted it - unless it’s a print by a famous artist.
But ultimately it’s not his money so there’s no point stropping about it.

Have you asked him how his mum would feel if she knew that he wasn't speaking to DD, who she clearly loved? And is she knew that the reason for his sulking is that the daughter followed her request?

So a kid inherits 20k and spends it on upper middle clsss frivolities, art and jewellery and skiing, That is OK? But another kid same age spends it on a boob job and tattoos, is that OK too?
And how many of you spent 4.5k on art work when you were in your mid 20s? And belly button jewellery.
OK, but this really is the domain of the upper middle class trust fund babies and even then, those that are not nouveau riche probably would not go there. Other than maybe a gold necklace.

OP the fully funded scholarship was it to an elite uni in eg the US because maybe she mixed with the rich crowd and hence the choices. I think it is fine if she really is going to be rich, but other than that, I personally think it is a waste. And if she lives in a large City in the UK like London she will also be paying hefty service charges on a typical flat.

I’ve pointed out to him that his mum wanted her to have fun with it, he has argued that there is having fun with it then spending it all on fun and he thinks knowing his mum she would have meant the latter.
His mum absolutely adored DD, she was a very fashionable woman and loved going into London with DD to go to little boutiques or galleries together. Her other grandchildren didn’t care for this sort of stuff so it was their thing. She also used to love it when DD sent her snow boarding videos, she show every one for weeks thinking it was extremely fun that DD had snowboarded (my MIL was terrified of this type of activity but loved living vicariously through others to experience them), so I think she would see all the choices as good ones. He disagrees but he’s not really the type of man to enjoy art or trips so maybe doesn’t appreciated it, his son is similar really.

What kid? The OP is about a 25 year old woman.

Who are you talking about in your nonsensical post?

”His mum absolutely adored DD, she was a very fashionable woman and loved going into London with DD to go to little boutiques or galleries together.”

@Gianam - and that sounds like a nice tribute to her but you can get art in London in an upcoming place and support a new artist for much less than 4.5k! And artisan jewellery too. Hence the suggestion that cheaper jewellery and art and some in savings creating passive income would have been more appropriate. But she is young, and they do make mistakes, especially if they come into money suddenly and especially if they had a rich peer group at uni.

But how would she feel if she knew he was punishing DD by not speaking to her? As a grandmother myself I'd come back and haunt him for that, if I could.