DH has fallen out with my DD, because of how she spent her money

[Gianam]

So first of all, I know my DD is in an extremely privileged position, she knows this too.
DD is 25, she was just able to buy a flat with inheritance from her paternal grandparents, no mortgage so she’s set up really well, she didn’t have much left from the inheritance after this and all the associated costs but she felt like it was worth it to have a place that was really hers.

My DH isn’t DDs dad, but when his mum passed away she left DD £20,000, obviously DD didn’t expect anything at all in this situation. His mum had also left her a lovely letter telling her to use the money for something fun, and telling her how much respect she had for her.

DD used the money for a few things but notable £4500 on a piece of art for her new flat, some jewellery, paying a friend to paint her old snowboard to hang in her new flat and then some has gone towards her snowboarding trip in February.

I think this is exactly how his mother wanted the money to be spent, these aren’t clothes that will be out of fashion in a year but legacy pieces she can hold onto forever. DH thinks it was frivolous, spoiled and privileged spending and putting £4500 on art and similar amounts on jewellery is ridiculous. He has now said he won’t talk to DD as his mother would feel the money had been wasted.

I think he’s been utterly ridiculous, she hasn’t pissed it all on drink or random clothes. I think she’s been quite sensible and was told to use it for fun!

AIBU to think DH is being a bit of a prick with his reaction!

She told her to use it for something fun your husband is jealous and bitter that he's got 20k less inheritance . I would tell him she spent it exactly as intended and to stop being a petulant child !

Sounds like DH is resentful she got inheritance.

Art is a good investment often (depending on the artist) and gold is at an all time high. The sapphire is rare, even if melted down it will retain high value.

My god, everyone with their opinions on what a grown woman should or should not spend an inheritance on are insane. It’s her money and she can spend it however she likes.

It is none of your husbands business. Yes it was his mother, but she knew your daughter well and willed the money freely so there is nothing else to it.

I would tread carefully when discussing with him, as grief may be tainting his view and I do think he deserves a little grace if that is the cause for such a strong reaction. But ultimately he has no right to a say in how that money was spent.

Is he planning on never speaking to her again? Has he considered how that will work in the long term if so? Or how he would feel if you treated his son this way? I hope for your families sake that he comes to his senses and apologises for his unfair reaction toward your daughter

The money was a gift to her, she is an adult, she can spend it as she wishes. It's really none of DH's business. I hope he snaps out of it before he causes any lasting damage to the family relationships here - I doubt very much his DM would have wanted that.

If she likes the artwork and the jewelry, it is definitely worth buying but I'm really struggling to get behind calling them an investment for the future like some of the commenters said.

Him giving her silent treatment is a dumb reaction. Maybe it was an initial reaction and he will come around without any damage being done.

Sounds like your DD has made some very sound investments.
I paid £5000 for a piece of art in 2004 that is not worth several hundred thousand. I also enjoy looking at all my art on our walls. My only advice would be to always have providence of her purchases. Jewellery is also a very good investment at the mo especially if gold.
I think his mum would be very proud of her for having her head screwed on.

For those unaware of Magic Circle pay grades:

Thanks. Is that graduate entry and newly qualified after the two years, so the £100k+ is achievable before 25 or something else?

Those salaries could well have increased a little as data is 2 years old. So they definitely indicate that the DD can save £2k pm despite the protestations of a PP.

Also why other sectors struggle so much because even the relatively well paid experienced professionsls earn half what newly qualified magic circle lawyers do.

It very much depends what you buy though.

If she bought a well known artist with a good reputation it may well increase. If it’s just a painting she liked in a gallery it may not even be worth what she paid for it now.

@Gianam your daughter sounds brilliant. If my granddaughter is so considered with her inheritance in the future I would be thrilled. Security plus some fun sounds just right to me. So yes, your DH is out of order and clearly didn't understand his lovely mum very well!

He sounds a bit jealous to me.

Is he a bit embarrassed about having to use some of his inheritance to pay off debt ?

He quietly believes all of the inheritance should have been given to him to decide and distribute in time. He does not agree with his mother’s decision or instructions and sees it as frivolous, and it is leaking into the relationship with disapproval. Call it out and discuss op.

Art IS an investment though! It will be worth more money in the future and she will be able to leave it as an inheritance to her children/ grandchildren

His mum has died. He's grieving, and watching his mum's hard work / savings being spent on belly rings is probably just a bit hard to swallow, that's all.
Give things time.

Maybe his grief is clouding things? People can fixate on something trivial in those situations. He is being unreasonable but maybe he needs to go to gross counselling

Ooooh you sound very jealous and definitely bitter.
So what she spent her inheritance from the "Death" of a loved one.

I think this is super significant. It actually shows what your MIL meant to her because all those things she has spent money on are things she had in common with your MIL and so I think she has purchased them as a lasting reminder of the lady. It’s a shame your OH can’t see that. I’m glad however that your daughter isn’t bothered about his attitude. Take a leaf out of her book and don’t let it bother you either.

This is a DH problem (likely jealousy at some level, combined with grief) not a DD problem and your DD didn’t do anything wrong. She sounds like an amazing young woman and her hard work and strategic thinking will likely ensure she is very successful in her future.
Her choices honored the relationship she had with DHs mother beautifully.

For your DH, does he need support talking through his grief? Perhaps he didn’t have the relationship with his mum that he wished, or that your DD did and maybe this has made him realise that? Maybe he wishes he had things easier financially as a young adult? Maybe he is stuck in some limiting thinking and is having difficulty being grateful for the memories and relationship he did have with his mum.
Regardless of the above, not speaking to a child in your life is absolutely ridiculous. Using money, or approval, to try to control others is despicable behavior.
I hope he snaps out of it, and in the meantime I’d be quietly putting your own financial affairs in order in case you need to split.

Your daughter sounds lovely and sensible - she's spent it on things her step-grandmother would have agreed with and tbh, that's between them. Once the money is hers, it's her choice what it goes on - as long as she isn't going to expect more to replace it, it doesn't actually matter if she 'blew it' (sounds like she isn't expecting that anyway and is well set-up for her future - good for her!).

Belly button jewellery may not hold its value but she can always repurpose it into a necklace in the future - with lots of fun memories attached! Jewellery and art hold their value well.

I think hubby sounds a bit jealous/disapproving of her lifestyle in general, and this is possibly the first time he could say something as he feels a sense of ownership over his mum's money. The money is gone though, and he'll get over it (be prepared to deal with future comments about her finances if that's how he actually feels though).

Reality is that she's not a child, it's nothing to do with him in the first place and your daughter is doing exactly what his mum wanted. She also has a very supportive mum, from the tone of your posts ❤️